too much reliance on the other half

Former Member

What should I do when my happiness is totally reliant on my boyfriend?

A bit of background info so this all makes sense- im from norwich, met my boyfriend at uni in lincoln and am now living in bucks for my job and my boyfriend lives in northampton where his family is. I love my job (only been here 7 weeks) and the people are all fine but none of them are people that could become actual friends to me. They will always just be work friends, i can tell, but thats fine as I have lots of great proper friends scattered over the country, just none nearby. My boyfriend lives an hour away, and all my family are in the norwich area.

Its really isolating here, but most of the time i dont realise because im so busy with work and as its a physical job i always go to bed early, so dont really have time to get bored. Every weekend since ive moved here ive seen my boyfriend by him visiting me or vice verser. I work really hard throughout the week, but the only motivation I have to actually get through the week is knowing i'll see my boyfriend at the weekend. If i didnt have this at the back of my mind I really dont think i'd bother. He was even my motivation to get the job in the first place.

I realise theres something wrong with this, but i dont know what to do about it. Im just not interested in anything else. Well I am, but if i dont see my boyfriend then im on a constant downer and dont want to do anything.

Its become a reality because this weekend we cant see eachother due to the localised flooding. Throughout last week while working i just kept saying to myself in my head that i'd see him at the weekend and it would all be worth the hard work.

My boyfriend doesnt know any of this, and i think thats for the best. I dont want him to feel the weight on his shoulders that what he does will determine if im happy or not. I dont want to be so reliant on him because technically (although we're happy together) we could split up at any time.

I just dont know what i would do if we did split up. I dont think i would be able to work, i would have nothing to look forward to. I wouldnt want to see my friends and just eugh.

I realise im my own person, and my life is what i make of it. I have lots of oppurtunities to do things with people from work, to visit my friends and home, and to do things by myself. But i feel like i am nothing without him.

Im just so happy when im with him, and so unhappy when im not. I find myself getting really upset when the weekend comes to an end and one of us has to go home. Maybe its because we lived together for a year at uni? I dont feel like I can adjust to not seeing him every day. The only real solution to that is to find a place together, and its not dealing with the underlying issue that im so crazy about him that im a nothing when he's not with me!

I realise ive not asked an actual question, any input would be appreciated

Former Member

Hi Blah! I wouldn't worry too much - I reckon a lot of your feelings here are more due to the fact you're in a strange place, needing to meeting new people and have just started a new and exhausting job, and it's manifesting itself as missing your boyfriend like hell. I'm sure it'll start getting easier as you get used to your new town and work and start finding energy to build yourself a social life. Don't dispair yet!

That said...

Maybe its because we lived together for a year at uni?

That has almost certainly a part to play in it too. When me and my boyfriend were long distance for three years, I think I coped with absences a lot better, not seeing him for 3 weeks at a time was the norm, so we just learned to accept the situation and make the most of the time we had together. I think I was also a lot more independent. Now, having lived with him for 3 years, so much of my life revolves round him and even the friends I see regularly are actually his friends. I'm in Germany right now doing archive research for 7 weeks, a week's gone by and it's been fine but I know I'm going to start really missing him much sooner than I would have done in our LDR phase. So I know where you're coming from completely. But on the positive side, you can use this distance to rediscover the independence you feel you've lost.

Is there any prospect of you moving back together in the not too distant future?

Former Member

Meryn wrote: »

Is there any prospect of you moving back together in the not too distant future?

Unfortunatly not, i need to live on site at work, and only people that work for my company are allowed to live here.

I think the problem is that I realise I need to learn to live without him at my side all the time, but I dont want to because its what i like most. Im completely independant in every aspect but im just not happy when he's not around.

Which makes me wonder if I should be in this job

Former Member

i wouldn't say you sound overdependent tbh.

just in love.

chin up, it will probably get better as you get used to it and if not then you will have to change something.

Former Member

long lost lady wrote: »

i wouldn't say you sound overdependent tbh.

just in love.
.

:yes:

I would be exactly the same probably

Former Member

I think you might be better off finding out how he feels, if he likes the situation as it is, well- fair enough; if he wants to spend more time with you, either one of you could look into changing job to be able to move in with the other. I don't think you sound overdependant on him personally. I am perpoousfully looking for a relationship where I feel lost without the other person. If the feeling is reciprocated, then it sounds like a strong bond in a loving relationship to me.

Former Member

i guess you could be right LLL+SCC+Katralla

But it worries me that my happiness depends on him. Ive been completely miserable this weekend. And im already counting the days till next weekend. Feels like im wishing my life away.

I dont particularly want to give up my job because ive wanted this my whole life, and it really is great, my life would be perfect if i could live with him and keep this job but its impossible. But at the end of the day he is more important to me than any job so i guess i'll have to see if it gets any easier and if not then i'll need to reconsider my career :chin:

Former Member

I think he brings you happiness and that's perfect. If you're worried about 'relying' on him then try and pursue other interests and make time for seeing friends and more importantly yourself. I wouldn't feel bad. I agree with everyone else. It's just love.

Former Member

I don't know. I think it would be bad if your happiness was dependent almost solely on one other person - I know I wouldn't want to be in that situation. But it doesn't sound like you've arrived at that yet. It seems more like the love speaking.

Former Member

I know what you mean.

I think you do need to keep plugging away at trying to make friends where you are, even though it's a slow process. I know you've got work friends and stuff, even silly things like arranging a night out around pay day time or something?

It was part of the reason I ended my last relationship, I wasn't ready to move hundreds and hundreds of miles where I only knew my g/f and nobody else. You're very possibly a stronger person than me though, you should try and cherish the fact that you're looking forward to spending time with him, instead of constantly worrying

Former Member

SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »

:yes:

I would be exactly the same probably

:yes:.

I AM exactly the same. Probably worse, tbh.

Former Member

Blah wrote: »

I think the problem is that I realise I need to learn to live without him at my side all the time, but I dont want to because its what i like most. Im completely independant in every aspect but im just not happy when he's not around.

If you can't function and enjoy yourself without him at the moment that's dependence and learning to be able to do so is thus regaining your independence and living life to the full while you're in your current job. It doesn't mean not looking forward to the weekend when you see him again, but it does mean trying not to see weekdays as 'wasted time'. Make an effort to do and eat things you enjoy but wouldn't do when he's around because he's not a big fan, for example! (I know Dunc's gonna be spending at least some of our 7 weeks apart watching the DVDs that bore me stupid!)

Sorry if this sounds all cold and logical, but having been long distance for 3 years, I'd have gone potty if I didn't find ways to distract myself from the fact that I wasn't going to see my boyfriend for ages. You just learn to cope and your time together becomes that much more special.

Which makes me wonder if I should be in this job

Only you will know this for sure, but I'd give it a bit more time for you to settle in both into your job and new location.

Good luck xx

Former Member

but having been long distance for 3 years, I'd have gone potty if I didn't find ways to distract myself from the fact that I wasn't going to see my boyfriend for ages. You just learn to cope and your time together becomes that much more special.

off topic but thank you, that gives me so much hope that it is possible

cause I'm exactly like the OP and I'm still down here, God knows how I'll be at university, but got to get used to it somehow.

Former Member

long lost lady wrote: »

off topic but thank you, that gives me so much hope that it is possible

Yep, it sure is. I met him at uni just before he graduated and buggered off to London, we spent the next 3 years doing long distance between Bristol/Bath/Germany and London, when we'd be apart for anything between 2-3 weeks and 2 and a half months. Then I graduated and moved in with him back in 2004. Now I'm doing a PhD in German history I've gone away for research a few times (was away for most of April, am away now until early September) - it's funny to think just a few years back it was like this all the time!

Former Member

I'm in Bucks, whereabouts are you?