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Rebuilding the trust...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Long Story.
I recently fucked up my relationship by talking to my ex.
Might not sound like much, but basically he'd call up to see how things were, be nice for a while and then try it on. I'd say 'no, I'm with someone, stop trying it on with me' and then (stupidly) suggest we should be friends. He'd go 'okay', stop callin for a while, and then start up again a month/2months down the line.
I guess I'm just a naive person, wanting to see the best in everyone. Truthfully, I came close to feeling for him again. I pushed it right to the edge as he was fucking with my mind a lot, but then I'd spend time with Justin (my boyfriend) and realise that all those "what-if's" were pointless as they would never mean as much to me as the present times with him do.
It was wrong on my part to ignore the signs he was showing me, the remaining attraction on his part and for me to slip into the sentimental nostalgic mode of trying to recapture those younger days. It was wrong for me to allow it to continue past a certain point.
Now, last night, me and Justin had little disagreement because I told him to stop telling me what to do as he was bugging me, and he said I was ungrateful and made him feel insecure- even more so when my ex texts and calls.
At 1:30am, my ex texted, and my boyfriend was livid. This lead to another argument, saying this was exactly what he's talking about. Him telling me that I was taking the piss, me wanting to leave him and completely disrespecting him and the relationship, and that i've wasted his time.
This morning, he let me know that he has no trust whatsoever in me anymore, especially due to another incident*. I'm gonna have to fight tooth and nail for this relationship to progress and prove to him that I do love him and all that.While I maintain that I had good intentions behind everything, his feelings are still paramount.
So right now, there's that weird tension and it's all on my shoulders to make it better. I've been so miserable all day, thinking of how I've fucked this all up.
Not completely sure of how I'm supposed to go about any of this. How do you rebuild the trust in these situations. I know its all about time and patience and stuff, but this just seems so much more....
hmmmm
* I was speaking to a guy as a mate and gave him my number. Boyfriend found out -dunno how- but was very disappointed in me
I recently fucked up my relationship by talking to my ex.
Might not sound like much, but basically he'd call up to see how things were, be nice for a while and then try it on. I'd say 'no, I'm with someone, stop trying it on with me' and then (stupidly) suggest we should be friends. He'd go 'okay', stop callin for a while, and then start up again a month/2months down the line.
I guess I'm just a naive person, wanting to see the best in everyone. Truthfully, I came close to feeling for him again. I pushed it right to the edge as he was fucking with my mind a lot, but then I'd spend time with Justin (my boyfriend) and realise that all those "what-if's" were pointless as they would never mean as much to me as the present times with him do.
It was wrong on my part to ignore the signs he was showing me, the remaining attraction on his part and for me to slip into the sentimental nostalgic mode of trying to recapture those younger days. It was wrong for me to allow it to continue past a certain point.
Now, last night, me and Justin had little disagreement because I told him to stop telling me what to do as he was bugging me, and he said I was ungrateful and made him feel insecure- even more so when my ex texts and calls.
At 1:30am, my ex texted, and my boyfriend was livid. This lead to another argument, saying this was exactly what he's talking about. Him telling me that I was taking the piss, me wanting to leave him and completely disrespecting him and the relationship, and that i've wasted his time.
This morning, he let me know that he has no trust whatsoever in me anymore, especially due to another incident*. I'm gonna have to fight tooth and nail for this relationship to progress and prove to him that I do love him and all that.While I maintain that I had good intentions behind everything, his feelings are still paramount.
So right now, there's that weird tension and it's all on my shoulders to make it better. I've been so miserable all day, thinking of how I've fucked this all up.
Not completely sure of how I'm supposed to go about any of this. How do you rebuild the trust in these situations. I know its all about time and patience and stuff, but this just seems so much more....
hmmmm
* I was speaking to a guy as a mate and gave him my number. Boyfriend found out -dunno how- but was very disappointed in me
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Comments
but i dont think you're doing anything wrong. Giving someone who is a mate your number isn't a crime, whether it is a male or female. and when your ex rang you, you sounded like you were civil to him but told him that you're with someone else so you'll just be mates.
I dont see how you've done anything to break his trust personally.
Ifyou want to work it out, i think you both need to sit down and work out boundaries together, for the both of you, as from what i can see, its not you thats in the wrong here.
I don't think you've done anything wrong either, personally. I think your boyfriend perhaps has some insecurity issues, so maybe you should talk to him about that?
If I were you I would be really firm with your ex and let him know that you don't want to hear from him AT ALL any more. Letting your boyfriend know that you've done that will be the first step to letting him know that you're dedicated to winning back his trust.
After that you can set down the guidelines clearly about what does and doesn't bother each of you - eg giving out your number. In my case for example it's no problem if either of us give our numbers to other people as long as we let each other know - that way there's no way that anything looks secretive or anything to get suspicious about.
It's just time and patience really. You can do it if you really want to, but make sure it's a two way thing and the rules which apply to you apply to him too. It is possible to restore his trust without losing your freedom, promise
while you havent done anything wrong per se, i think you've been a bit insensitive, i mean, is it really THAT important to stay in contact with your ex? if you split on good terms, fair enough, say hello if you bump into him, but do you honestly need to stay in touch with him?
when situations like this arise, i think you should put the shoe on the other foot and think about how YOU would feel if he was speaking and texting his ex....
good luck anyhoo
Point is, I wasn't really speaking or texting him. He would call me, we'd be amicable on the phone and then he'd try it on. I'd say No, he'd say Ok and that would be it for a while.
Yeah, I see how my man is seriously pissed and has no trust in me at all because there's no substantial evidence to prove what I've said is true, and to be honest I wouldnt be over the moon about him talking to his ex, but still it kinda sucks to feel like im under surviallance 24/7, when really- I havent done anything and to made to feel like I did the worst thing possible to him and that the relationship was on breaking point because right now, i'm a waste of his time (his words)
Anyways, I'm not even about blame as I just took the responsibility that me aiming for a civil friendship between me and my ex (as we were great friends before we ever hooked up) was messed up and hurt my man's feelings. It's just the whole thing where the bridge needs to be rebuilt and I don't know how to approach it properly because of my feelings of injustice.
Maybe im just being selfish..
Move on, tell your ex to fuck off and leave you to concentrate on the relationship that matters.
I don't think she has done anything wrong and none of my b/f's have ever had an issue with me being best mates with my exes let alone the odd phone call or text and telling him no. People go out together because they get on and have things in common. Just because that doesn't work in a relationship, there's usually friendship still there after the hurt goes away.
To the OP, I think your bf is being fairly unreasonable really. it sounds like you've done absolutely nothing to lose his trust and I'd think he has insecurity issues in himself that need dealing with.
Good point
:yes:
Personally, I would sit him down an explain to him that there's nothing going on between you two.
fair enough, if you;ve been lucky in that your bf's dont mind, go for it!
but when ya in a relationship where your partner has explained he isnt comfortable with chats from your ex, i think compromises need to be made, and you need to evaluate what and who is more important
i can understand the odd text or phone call, but as soon as he "tried it on" i think cutting contact would have been better as it suggests that he has ulterior motives and probably isnt happy being "just friends"
the OP has said that she came close to having feeling for him again, so cant really dismiss her fellas worries when there is an air of truth in this thoughts/insecurites
Completely agree with the cutting contact as soon as they attempted to try it on. Otherwise it does appear that you are not really that keen on your current partner! I do think if you end up having serious feelings for your ex again you should do your current partner a favour and finish with them. Its not fair on them otherwise! Its just the decent thing to do...
Tbf if I b/f told me I couldn't speak to a friend, no matter what past there was with that friend I'd have serious issues about it. Yes compromises are required, but making someone choose between a friend and them isn't a fair situation to put anyone in.
Possibly, but blokes get the message eventually anyways. I've got an ex who when I split up with my last fella asked me if there was a chance at all for him again. I said no and he respects that, but he will try it on if he's had too much to drink etc, but most the time he doesn't and I probably spend more time chatting to him than I do my current fella.
Only very vaguely and if she's given him no reason to know those feelings then he's being insecure over nothing at all.
Thanks everyone
He does sound a bit insecure, and hopefully you can work through his insecurities together, but it would be wrong of him to just blame you every time he does get a bit paranoid, but at the same time, if you want to be with him, then it sounds like you need to be understanding of the things hes sensitive about.