I am obsessed with my fellas ex girlfriend

Former Member

Ive been with my fella for a year and a half.

I met him nearly a year after he split up with an ex of his. He never talks about her and doesnt like it when i mention her. Pretty sure he is over her! However when we first met he told me she was the best and worst thing that ever happened to him and that never really left me. It was early days but i had hoped I was the best thing, i do think he would say i was now. When i saw pictures of her i nearly died as she looked so attractive.I have no doubts he is over her but:

I am obsessed with her. I want to look like her and have her life. Her parents have more money than mine did, she is a dancer, she moved away to uni and is always 'doing stuff'. She is graduating soon and she has a lot going for her.

I am so jealous of her i hate her yet i want to be her or be her friend. I always check her online profiles for any new pictures or comments to or from her friends.

I have seen her once in real life(without my fella) and convinced myself she took a good photo but the truth is she has a fantastic figure and is the typical male fantasy - but she is classy too. I try to act more like her, i have become stuck up because she is, ive modelled what it is to be a young woman on her and i constantly compare.

Its been a year now and noone knows how much i look at her profiles. My fella hasnt a clue about computers to ever know.

When she made her online profiles private i made fake profiles and spent time adding lots of people to make myself look legit before i added her. I know enough about her and her boyfriend(all via online profiles) to stir some trouble between them but have reasoned with myself that she hasnt really done anything to me and what goes around comes around so i would never want to risk my own lifestyle.

I feel beneath her, i have the impression from what my fella did tell me about her, that if she ever saw me she would verbally rip me to pieces, not to my face but behind my back.

Yet i have her on such a pedestal now that if i ever saw her i would feel really hot and want to hide. It would be ten times worse if i saw her while i was with my fella.

I cant seem to get past this and i worry myself as i know this isnt normal.

Former Member

Just gonna move this on over to our relationships section for you

Former Member

I dont have much advice but didnt want to read and run.
It sounds like its almost an addiction. Maybe youre addicted to the extremes of emotion you feel when you find out about her, even though that emotion isnt a positive one. You need to conquer it. Maybe setting yourself targets of maybe not looking at her stuff on the internet for 2 days or a week. Try and make it longer and longer at a time, and try and put all that abundance of energy and passion into something less self destructive.

Former Member

ssssssssss wrote: »

as i know this isnt normal.

Got that straight.

Former Member

youve probably hit the nail on the head there suzy. I guess i do kind of enjoy feeling cack, gives me a kick up the bum to lose weight etc but has made me more vein yet less confident.

I just imagine she is perfect, nice nails, always groomed, waxed/shaved etc and always tanned head to toe etc.

Former Member

so in a way its almost like self harm. youre getting off on making yourself feel shit.
Do you have any ideas of how youll be able to start weaning yourself off it?

Former Member

Ive thought about 'cold turkey' then gave in and looked when i was bored. I did think your idea was a good one. My only worry is that it will be like dieting, when i diet i cant stop thinking about food!! Wont know til i find out, perhaps i should start by allowing myself a loomk twice a week for no more than 5 minutes? Gosh its a weird one i know!

Former Member

well maybe doing it gradually would be a good thing for you then, and give yourself rewards for reaching your targets as you do.
I think plenty of people do have self destructive behaviours that they find hard to stop, but you have said you already have such a good relationship now. Its just this one thing has totally got out of hand.

Former Member

ok the big stuff that might get more to the root of it

I have a little boy that is nearly 4. I am 22 and i feel my life is perfect when i have uni in the week and when my other half is home at weekends. I am kinda restricted by having my little boy of how much i can DO, fact is that on a night i am sat in alone and bored.

Could it be a form of PND even 4 years on? I think she represents everything i didnt have--moving away to uni, getting my drivers license young, being able to go out when i want, taking on any job(ie bar work which i cant do because of my son) etc.

ETAvwhat i need to add is that i was at uni 3 days a week so still spent a lot of time with my boy but its special time coz it was limited and precious. But now uni has broke for summer and i have no real routine anymore only to take him to nursery on an afternoon.

Former Member

sorry just saw your other post.

thanks for your help. if nothing else you have helped me see that this is a kind of pleasure-in-pain thing for me. I am going to have a long think about it all, id like to think 'seeing someone' would be my last option.

Former Member

EEeek, see this is when I think the internet is a bad thing. Because of all these networking sites around now its so easy to find people and kinda 'cyber stalk' them a little. I think everyone has had a snoop to a certain extent, but what you are experiencing is definately not healthy. You are suffering from a serious lack of self esteem. Your boyfriend is with YOU and wants YOU, not her! Ex's are an ex for a reason! You need to stop focusing so much on this girl and the throw away comment that your boyfriend said nearly 2 years ago! I'm sure this girl hasn't got a perfect life. Everyone makes their lives look more interesting on profiles! You have a gorgeous little boy and that should make you the proudest women alive, you have achieved far more than she has ever has in that respect! I think you need to COMPLETELY cut yourself off from this girl and her life. It's not your business and it is completely wrecking your mental health. Take this to extreme methods and don't EVER check her profile. I'm sure it'll be bloody hard at first but after a week or so it'll be easier. The only way to give up an obsession is to be in control of it, and not let it control you.
Hope this helps x

Former Member

This sort of jealousy is doing nobody any favours. Your boyfriend's ex may be slightly flattered by your "admiration" of her, or possibly very disturbed about it. You really shouldn't be comparing yourself to other people. It's a total waste of time.

Former Member

I think you should talk to someone about this properly.

I can relate an awful lot to what you are saying. I dont want to go into details but the short story is that i found myself feeling very similar to you.
Problem was that she was his ex-wife and they had 2 children together AND all 3 of us worked in the same place.
I doubt it was the sole reason but definately a contribution to how i got into a severe depression, started self-harming and tried to commit suicide. My head got so messed up,my diaries are full of how much i HATED myself. I felt so angry, so much rage and hate for her yet so envious,jealous and desperately wanted to be like her even though i hated her. i dyed my hair dark for the first time ever(she was brunette-hers was much nicer though of course)
Anyway I was with him 3 1/2yrs, we got engaged, we bought a house together,spent loads of time with the kids-id got it all. I only wanted all these things because of what he'd had with her.
I never moved into the house we bought though. i ended the relationship a year ago.
We've moved on(new relationships)but keep in touch, but i still think of being like his ex to this day.

Dont let it screw your head up.