First Time Failure

Former Member

Haven't been to these forums for years but hoping to find some advice here.

I'm 22 and I've finally met her, the anticipation when my phone beeps, the tingles when she cuddles me, the electric kisses, heart soaring when she opens the door... and I couldn't make love to her.

For a few days I've had trouble getting hard... kinda get halfway and lose it again after a while. Last night was gonna be the first time for us and I could see how hurt she was when she had to just give up on me.

We talked about it into the small hours and she isn't giving up on me, but I'm now worried I'm not gonna be any good for her.

I've only had a couple of other sexual encounters and they weren't what I'd call enjoyable but this woman is unlike any I've ever met and I couldn't even get halfway there. For years I've believed I'm poorly-equipped and lack the skills to please a woman so I had nerves about it, but according to my much more experienced girlfriend I'm pretty big and very, very good with my foreplay, so I really can't think what's gone wrong here.

I really did feel like crying when I saw her face once she realised I couldn't get it up, and I'm still not sure if I've convinced her that I truly do want her.

I've done a bit of searching online but this really does make me more paranoid (as anyone whose googled the bump on their balls will know lol). I have been a bit tired lately and have a bit of a hectic job but it's never stopped me getting hard before. I'm really hard when I first wake up but I have to admit I'm not getting them as much as I used to throughout the day. Weirdest thing is though, even when I'm alone I cant manage it and I've always been rather horny.

now I've typed it all out I really don't know what I'm after... perhaps a bloke on here will have had similar troubles, or even if some of the women here have had to help their boyfriends through it I'd really appreciate a bit of advice.

I'm lucky she's so understanding but she's never had this happen with anyone before and we're both just lost. We were going to see how things went and take it as it came but after our long talk we decided to start a proper relationship, and as I said she's not giving up on me.

Former Member

It could just be nerves because you like her so much. Also, it could be lack of fluid. Do you feel dry and sore at the end? This might affect it.

Have you considered talking to a dr?

Also if you're willing to try something to help you, I bought my bf 'Satibo' herbal enhancer for valentines once as a little gift! (http://www.britishcondoms.com/sexual-enhancers/satibo-herbal-sexual-enhancer.html)
Kept him hard for at least a good hour and didn't do any harm.

Former Member

If I were you I'd forget about it as thinking of it will increase the likelihood of it happening again!!!

Instead come up with a plan of action for 2nd time you plan to have sex with gf

The plan idea would enable you to get over the 1st time failure (your words not mine) it'll give you a positive buzz about future tries!!

Now think of the things you can do to increase your chance of getting and keeping hard on. What I find helpful is:

Lay off wanking for 2/3 days (means you might end up 2min man for your gf but least you'll know your more then capable of keeping wood)

Have rest period - Foreplay, get wood. Back off let your cock go down. This has helped me before when I lost wood with girls. (Think its to with letting fresh blood into your cock when it goes hard again) what ever the reason I find it helpful and I tend to last longer!

Laugh about it - Don't let it stress you out mate. If you and her can laugh about it then you've already half way to curing it!

Are you using condoms? If so, is putting it on taking time/making you lose wood. This happen for me many times and is very embarrassing I got over it tho!

Former Member

Stress and tension makes it go, and if you worry about it the more likely it is to go.

If you are finding it difficult to stay hard consider not drinking alcohol or taking drugs, consider not masturbating for a few days, and concentrate on the foreplay. If putting on condoms is making you soft (there's a knack to putting them on) get her to put it on for you.

It's fairly common to lose erections at first, especially if you're using condoms and haven't got the knack of putting them on.

If you still find it difficult to stay hard just give her loads of oral sex, and I'm sure she'll be more than happy...

Former Member

Aww, I feel for you, really, I know how bad it feels when you really love someone but it jsut doesn't happen.
If it helps, I had a very similar experience the first time my boyfriend and I had sex. I think we'd planned it too much and he got a little freaked out because he couldn't get it above half mast He was really upset and insecure about it but from a woman's POV, I thought it was kind of sweet that he worried that much about it. And in a way reassuring, cos I was pretty damn nervous too. Anyway, the point is, since then we've had lots of sex, the problem has never reoccured and it never bothered me or made me love him any less.
I shouldn't worry. Or if you find yourself doing so, tell this woman how much she means to you and that she really arouses you but you're nervous cos you want it to be good. She'll probably find that sweet.
Hope the next time's a lot better, good luck!

Former Member

I have a feeling I'd do the same thing, mainly because I don't have an immmature, instinct driven mindset, but I'm way too curious. I'd get way too excited and interested in everything. My mind wouldn't be basic enough to think penis + vagina.

I wouldn't blame you a bit.

Former Member

Neither my ex (who later would be hard as soon as I walked in the room) nor my current boyfriend (who isn't as sex orientated but loves me) were "successful" first time. It just wasn't happening, and from what I've read on here it's a fairly common thing.

Don't worry about it, the sex follows when it does happen will more than make up for the first time.

Former Member

I remember the first time that I couldn't get it up. I felt humiliated. I even cried a bit in front of my girlfriend. I just didn't feel like a man at that point. My girlfriend just kept blaming herself for it, thinking she couldn't turn me on. Nonsense - it was me being far too nervous for my own good. Try to remember firstly that this affected both yourself and her. Next, reassure her that it had nothing to do with her, and that you still the fancy the arse off her - you were just nervous, as she was too, most likely.

When the next time comes, (and don't try to engineer it, let it happen naturally) take your time. Spend as much or as little time as you need kissing her, touching her, getting her aroused. If you're as good as oral sex as your girlfriend says, hearing her at the height of ecstasy will get you turned on pretty quickly! Don't rush into the penetrative sex - just take your time. If you communicate properly and avoid rushing things, there is no reason why the sex cannot be phenomenal.

I would suggest you ignore the fact your girlfriend has more sexual experience than you. Believe it or not, she won't be taking notes about your performance and comparing you to her previous boyfriends. I never compare partners. It just seems inappropriate.

Tiredness and work can certainly affect these things as well, so catch up on your sleep.

Former Member

thank you so much guys it really is reassuring to hear it's common (as cliche as it sounds lol). Harmless mate I remember years ago you tellin me not to worry too much about kissing lol.

well it didn't happen again today but I'm learning with this girl that it's all good whatever...
Stargalaxy - the first paragraph is almost step by step what happened with me, I just couldn't hack the feeling of her taking it as a rejection, and
Lyra- that's exactly what I did... Another thing this girls teaching me is to ignore the bullshit the lads preach about holding in the soppy stuff 'coz it scares em off' and speak my mind. I'm crazy about her, a lunchdate is like waitin for xmas and I've never felt so safe around anyone, I'm just taking a little time to get there.
She's not one bit bothered by what's happened, though I appreciate that it's not exactly her idea of brilliant.
It's all gonna be sweet soon enough

thanks again peeps

Former Member

bumble2007 wrote: »

Stargalaxy - the first paragraph is almost step by step what happened with me, I just couldn't hack the feeling of her taking it as a rejection...

And for any possible future reference, if you get the opposite problem, (i.e. being able to get an erection, but not being able to ejaculate) events will happen in much the same way. Don't worry - every bloke gets this now and again.

Former Member

Glad you've got a much improved view on things now! Its refreshing Honesty really is the best policy!

Former Member

what is your problem exactly?
you are not good in bed....i think you are hesistant a bit.....
come on man!!!!!

Former Member

bumble2007 wrote: »

Another thing this girls teaching me is to ignore the bullshit the lads preach about holding in the soppy stuff 'coz it scares em off' and speak my mind. I'm crazy about her, a lunchdate is like waitin for xmas and I've never felt so safe around anyone, I'm just taking a little time to get there.

Awww you really have got it bad! Totally know the feeling. :yippe:
*ahem* yes, back to what I was intending to say: She's right. Don't hold in the soppy stuff. I wouldn't be scared off if I was dating the guy! I love hearing my guy say soppy stuff to me, let it all out! :hyper:

Former Member

twinkle20 wrote: »

what is your problem exactly?
you are not good in bed....i think you are hesistant a bit.....
come on man!!!!!

What the hell are you on about? More specifically, what the hell are you on?

Former Member

I feel for you mate, glad to hear its better now, harmless speaks good sense (well, so does everyone else)

I had the same problem when i first spent the night with my g/f. i had fancied her for three months before i even spoke to her and thought she was the most beautiful girl. So when we started dating i felt/feel like the luckiest man in the world, because shes someone i really want to be with and cos of all that i think there was a lot of pressure on me not wanting to dissapoint her in bed, our first night we spent together was in my bed and after two months of dating, i was looking at her body and it was like all my dreams coming true.

Then i couldnt get a boner and i felt so depressed man, i was a virgin and so was she, but she didnt tell me at first :eek: and the next morning we didnt talk about it but i kept thinking what a failure i am and that she proberly wont wanna be with me no more. and the second time i had a problem too (its mainly psycological and being nervous) but she gave me so much reassurance and told me this doesnt bother her and all thats importand is that shes with me and mentally she took so much pressure of me thinking "i gotta get wood, i gotta get wood" and i enjoyed every thing from kissing, holding, e.t.c. that it came naturally and we been together for 7 months now and have the most amazing sex.

And the fact we were both virgins makes it easier but even more sweet because everythings for the first time as were going to sex shops and trying new positions e.t.c. so theres a lot more to your realationship so just try to be relaxed and as loong as you get boners in the morning, throught masturbation or whatever, you know theres no physical problem therefore dont think to much about it..

Infact we went to a sex shop last weekend and the was a lot of toys around and i asked her what one she wanted and she grabbed my and said "that one". and its little things like that that make you more confident and secure lovers


However, haha, when she says to me deeper, deeper, it does make me wish i had a bigger dick :banghead:

Former Member

seaweed wrote: »

However, haha, when she says to me deeper, deeper, it does make me wish i had a bigger dick

Every guy wishes that now and again. In an ideal world, my erection would measure about 10 inches and women everywhere would be queuing to sleep with me. Life isn't like that for me, though - thankfully. Learn to love what you got.