I need to figure out whats wrong.

Former Member

My Girlfriend is great, we have everything in commen. We have been dating for 5 years. Though she wont share a bed with me. In the first 2 i could see good reasons, but five?

She cant even really hug for that long, she doesnt open mouth kiss, and from what she says sex grooses her out. Now any one of these alone I would not see a problem but all togather? I need help in figuring out whats wrong. I can no longer denigh there is nothing wrong with her.


Any tips would be usefull.

Former Member

Well i don't know. Have you ever talked to her regarding this matter? What did she say?

Former Member

Well she says things such as its to hot to cudle or i cant sleep with some one next to me. It just annoys me to hug. open mouth kissing looks gross.
sex grosses me out. If it was just any one thing i could take it but all of this. I honestly think there is something wrong she wont tell me

Yes i have. She just wont go into it.

Former Member

Is it the whole sex before marriage thing or just a general dislike of all the things you listed?

Former Member

the general dislike of those things.

Former Member

Have you told her how confused you are or how its beginning to effect you?

How old are you both?

Former Member

Im 22 and she is 21.
I have tried to tell her how confused i am. I also kinda realized that it was affecting me. I'm starting to feel maybe im just not atractive enough to her.

There was a point about at the 2 year mark that she had said things would change. They have not. I really love her. The reasons i love her now are not the reasons i started liking her. She is one in a million in my case. I usta be a racist Indian that thought love could only exist among people of the same race. I was so wrong. I dont know what to do. I am at my last leangth, i fear that the only way for her to see is to break up with, so that the next guy can have a good chance.

So by Indain I mean Native American first nation.

Former Member

What has race got to do with this?

There is something wrong with her, maybe she had a troubled childhood or event that happened to her which doesn't let her open up to people. Try talking to her about why she is so shy.

**helen**

Hi Matty,
I'm really sorry to hear that intimacy has become a difficult issue for you and your girlfriend. It's clear that you want to do the right thing here, but after five years, it's no surprise that you are starting to lose confidence and have doubts about whether or not she really finds you attractive.

It's worth remembering that five years is a long time, so she must really care about you. There could be any number of reasons for her not liking sex, or not wanting to be intimate - a few possibilities that spring to mind are:

Sexual encounters in the past - whether witnessed or experienced
Feelings of sexual guilt
A fear of sex
Lack of sexual desire (low libido)

Obviously I have no way of telling you whether or not any of these apply to your girlfriend - and I'm no expert! However, the point is it her reasons may be far deeper that you could imagine.

Moving forward, communication is key but I guess if she isn't willing to open up to you, or rethink her views on sex then the relationship may never be what you'd really like.

I hope things work out for you.

Former Member

Yerascrote wrote: »

What has race got to do with this?

There is something wrong with her, maybe she had a troubled childhood or event that happened to her which doesn't let her open up to people. Try talking to her about why she is so shy.

I am saying that she is the reason the color of skin, somthing that i was so deeply rooted into, is no longer a factor. I do supose you would have to live in the area that i do to understand. I was just giving an example of how powerful our love is.

Former Member

**Helen** wrote: »

Hi Matty,
I'm really sorry to hear that intimacy has become a difficult issue for you and your girlfriend. It's clear that you want to do the right thing here, but after five years, it's no surprise that you are starting to lose confidence and have doubts about whether or not she really finds you attractive.

It's worth remembering that five years is a long time, so she must really care about you. There could be any number of reasons for her not liking sex, or not wanting to be intimate - a few possibilities that spring to mind are:

Sexual encounters in the past - whether witnessed or experienced
Feelings of sexual guilt
A fear of sex
Lack of sexual desire (low libido)

Obviously I have no way of telling you whether or not any of these apply to your girlfriend - and I'm no expert! However, the point is it her reasons may be far deeper that you could imagine.

Moving forward, communication is key but I guess if she isn't willing to open up to you, or rethink her views on sex then the relationship may never be what you'd really like.

I hope things work out for you.

I know, its just how would i go about doing that. She is just realy good about changing the subject.

Darn am i the only yank on this site?? Wait how do i know that slang?

Former Member

Matty wrote: »

Darn am i the only yank on this site??

There are a few others, don't think any are Native Americans though.

Former Member

I have taken that into consideration. I know what must be done now, but i also must push the matter. Its time to go agianst her defences.

Former Member

Matty wrote: »

I'm starting to feel maybe im just not atractive enough to her.

that all i can think of sorry. Once I was with a guy and we got on really well, but i just didnt find him attractive and felt awkward to do anything with him. Sorry. There could be other reasons, all i can say is talk to her about really exphasise that its really effecting your relationship and you dont feel like you can carry on like it. And if it doesnt work out and that is the reason, im sure there are better people that do find you attractive.

good luck

Former Member

I'm finding some of the advice here incredibly questionable. The idea that she somehow isn't attracted to you holds no water. You have been together for five years. You must be doing something right. I suspect there are events from long ago in your girlfriend's life that she has not yet told you about. Most likely events that happened before you got together, maybe even before you met. I'm not going to speculate on what it could be, but I think you'll be finding out a lot more about your girlfriend as this issue gets resolved.

Former Member

I agree with SG, i think the problem is more deep rooted than she 'just isnt attracted to you'. If that was the case you most likely wouldnt be together 5 years on, she's 21 and if she was interested in sex and intimacy just not with you she'd have got it elsewhere i think.

It definitely doesn't sound like a normal situation and i think you're going to have to be very gentle with your girlfriends feelings. Make sure she knows that you love her and whilst sex isn't everything, it is obviously an important part of an adult relationship and the issue will have to be addressed if you 2 have a future together.

Former Member

Grrr. Lack of sex is nothing, I pointed that out as one of the problems. I know she finds me attractive, but still the lack of any real physical intamacy is what makes me feel unattractive. The only awnser i got so far is to confront her. This will be diffacult as i have done this once or twice or alot and have been give diffrent exscuses. This once lead to a break up with her becuase she wanted me to be happy. Thing is im not at all happy if i am not with her. I realy gotta get to the root of this. I fear i might find out its some sort of sexual abuse. then I need to learn how to help her not see me like that but as a lover (Once agian not the sex aspect but the physical aspect)

So the root question is how do i confront some one who is so good at dodging the question, and changing the subject. Then if i do found out somthing terrible as rape or sexaul abuse then how do i help her with that?

Former Member

Tbh, it sounds like something that you won't be able to sort out on your own. Would you be able to suggest counselling to her, or something like that? You could go with her if it made her feel more comfortable, or she could do it on her own if she preferred that. Are you close to her family? If so, would you be comfortable talking about it with them? Again, you could do that with your girlfriend, or talk about it with them by yourself. They might not know how uncomfortable with intimacy your girlfriend is, in which case it sounds like they should know, or they might be able to shed some light on the matter for you.

I think the most important thing you can do is reassure your girlfriend of your feelings for her, let her know you'll be there for her and that she won't be alone in this, but it's important it is to you that she gets some help, if she wants or needs it.

Former Member

Mila wrote: »

Tbh, it sounds like something that you won't be able to sort out on your own.

I agree. There is more to this than meets the eye, I am sure.

Mila wrote: »

I think the most important thing you can do is reassure your girlfriend of your feelings for her, let her know you'll be there for her and that she won't be alone in this, but it's important it is to you that she gets some help, if she wants or needs it.

:yes:

Former Member

tbh? whats that?

**helen**

tbh = to be honest

Former Member

You know what, she does find me attractive and every thing else does seem logical even though it sounds more like a cover up. If there is a problem she will tell me. I know how much she loves me, she moved to orgean a year ago and still we are with eachother. So yeah screw it I am happy and at peace. I love her and she loves me thats all that realy matters.