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Losing Love

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey. I posted a while back about my boyfriend of just over six months having cheated on me. He then broke up with me, but two days later phoned in tears and begged me to come back, said that he loved me so much and couldn't be without me.

That all sounds crazy to have happened in six months, but our relationship was very very intense because of circumstances around us getting together. We didn't have the chance to get to know each other while dating because of that, so it was almost love before we even got together. We were couply right from the beginning, staying in together, often with each other for days at a time.

I feel exactly the same for him as I have felt: I love him and I desire him. I believe that he loves me, but I don't think he desires me anymore. Either that or he is very scared (he definately is very scared of commitment and a relationship) and is convincing himself he doesn't desire me as a reason to end our relationship. But he still says he doesn't want to break up, that he loves me, but he doesn't know whether we can fix our relationship.

People in long-term relationships- what is it like? What kind of things do you do with each other? Do you get bored? Is the love you have for each other like a very deep friendship, only you also desire each other sexually? What about feeling like the spark has gone? That isn't a reason to end a relationship, is it?

If anyone would feel comfortable describing their relationship to me, I'd be very grateful.

Love Mila

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ive been with my other half for almost 3 years now which i supose isnt that long in the grand scheme of things, but its the longest ive ever stayed with anyone and so far things havent really changed all that much we spend alot of time together not doing alot jus sitting around watching tv, him playing on the computer me doing homework or jus generally talking or doing everyday ish sort of things like cooking.
    i wouldnt say i ever get bored, it just seems to me that it feels extremely natural having him around and not having to always go out or be doing something that just being together doing every day sort of things is ok. I definatly still love him in both a friendship sense and because i still find him incredibly sexy. I wouldnt say we have the same sort of relationship we had when we met but then id say thats probably ok because people are always changing so the relationship has to change too.
    anways i duno if thats at all helpful
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thought I'd post on this because I kinda went through a similar situation myself a couple of weeks ago. Without going into masses of detail my other half felt that some of the excitement had gone from the relationship. That said we have managed to sort out our problems. I think every long term relationship goes through this, one (or both) of you feels that some kind of 'spark' is gone. That doesn't mean the relationship can't be fixed though. For me and my boyfriend the way we got that spark back was talking about things we've done together, memories, reasons why we love each other etc. Sometimes its nice to talk about those things, it also makes you appreciate that person again as well. I think it's easy to forget how special that person is, and take them for granted a little. You've obvousily overcome many milestones in your relationship, so if both of you are willing to give it a try I don't think its neccessarily the end of your relationship. Hope everything works out for the best. x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sopycookie wrote: »
    ive been with my other half for almost 3 years now which i supose isnt that long in the grand scheme of things, but its the longest ive ever stayed with anyone and so far things havent really changed all that much we spend alot of time together not doing alot jus sitting around watching tv, him playing on the computer me doing homework or jus generally talking or doing everyday ish sort of things like cooking.
    i wouldnt say i ever get bored, it just seems to me that it feels extremely natural having him around and not having to always go out or be doing something that just being together doing every day sort of things is ok. I definatly still love him in both a friendship sense and because i still find him incredibly sexy. I wouldnt say we have the same sort of relationship we had when we met but then id say thats probably ok because people are always changing so the relationship has to change too.
    anways i duno if thats at all helpful
    Thats exactly how I feel about in my relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been with my boyfriend for three years and we do love eachother and we certainly desire eachother, and we have the deep friendship as well. Like you and your boyfriend, we fell in love extremely fast - so fast that no-one thought we'd last but we spent a lot of time together and eventually got to know eachother inside out and we proved everyone wrong, and I'm still as crazy about him as the day I met him, although we are a bit past the can't-keep-our-hands-off-eachother-24/7 stage, but we still have our moments (quite regularly) :p

    I'm really happy with him, but I do get bored sometimes. Not bored of him, just bored of staying in all the time because we don't tend to go out much. Sometimes I wish we could go out and do things more often, but it's a case of not being able to afford to I'm affraid, and although that annoys me sometimes I suppose it's not really a big deal. He still makes me happy, and I still love every moment I spend with him. I'd rather be at home with him not doing much than not be with him at all!
    That's exactly how I feel too!!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My relationship has an interesting history.

    1 - he cheated on me whilst we were seeing eachother (but it was really developing into something and I was building up to asking to make it official) with my "best mate", on a wednesday.
    2 - I could tell he was completely sincere and really regretted her, so everything became official on the friday.
    3 - six months later he goes "weird" on me, turns out to be scared of commitment and I end up forcing him to decide what he wants
    4 - almost six months later we have another commitment phobia, but this one is more serious, and I delivered an ultimatim which I had to stick to, so we split up.
    5 - one week later, he decides he was just being silly and we get back together, although he refused to say he loved me for a month or two.
    6 - over a year later, we're still together, and haven't had any hiccups for the last 12 months.

    The spark is still definately there for me at least, but not all the time, and we spend more time just sat around reading/watching tv than we used to. Still, there are plans to get a house and get married when I've finished Uni, so the commitment fear has obviously vanished.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks everyone for replying. That is how I feel about us and I think that is how he feels, only he is interpreting that as a bad thing. He has never had a relationship this long before, so for him, all his relationships have been about the spark and the unknown and this is different. I think he is just having trouble processing that and what that means. He says he can imagine being married to me and that terrifies him. I asked him why on earth he was thinking about stuff like that? If you do, you miss the now, everything that's right under your nose. If I thought the problem was different to this, something more about me or about his desire for me being gone, then I wouldn't be trying this hard, you know? Kate, does he sound something like your partner at the six month stage?

    The latest is that he doesn't want to kiss me because he is scared it will mean nothing. Sex and cock-sucking are apparently okay because they don't mean as much. I don't understand this at all. He spent two days kissing me without thinking about it before this. Then when I said 'kiss', this is what he said. I've never met anyone so terrified of commitment and being with someone before, it's ridiculous.

    He still tells me many times a day that he loves me and we talk about why as well, so I don't doubt that. I just don't want what I think is a very good thing to be ruined because my boyfriend doesn't understand what this stage of a relationship is like.

    Love Mila
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think for him it was more that he didn't know what he wanted. He wasn't sure he wanted to be tied down so early, he thought he was, or would be, missing a lot. As I pointed out, he's not a social person at all (won't go to clubs etc) so he was missing more by doing that.

    He was also being stupid about "being in love". Because he couldn't find a hard fast definition, he decided he couldn't be sure he was in love, and that presented another problem. Even when we got back together after a week apart, he refused to say he loved me, because it wasn't a definate thing, so he thought he might have been wrong. That or maybe he was scared of truly admitting (as opposed to just saying and wanting to mean it) that he did love me.

    I don't know exactly what was going through his head at either point, trying to talk to him about it was like trying to draw blood out of a stone. Still is to some extent, but I'm careful to nip any issues in the bud as soon as they appear to be issues, and normally manage before he starts paying attention to them and clams up.

    Only thing I can suggest is try talking to him, in person, over the internet, however he talks best, and give him some space. Just don't let him mess you around. If you can get to a "peace" stage where you're both happier with the relationship, try a few days away somewhere, and make a deal to do something different once a month to re-establish the fact that the spark is still there.
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