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I've been a nosey biatch
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, first of all i hate posting stuff about my relationship on here but i need to advice and opinions.
Basically i've been with my boyfriend for about a year and half, we are moving in together within the next month, i love him to bits. He is 24 and im 20 (just so you know because it will come across like he is 15) He has his own msn account etc, when i used to walk in the room at his parents where his pc is, if he was on msn he would always keep the chat windows hidden from me, i kept letting it slide saying i was just being paranoid, until the middle of march, i decided he must be up to something as we don't hide anything from each other and i was almost positive he was doing something i didnt want to see. So i turned on the option to save his msn conversations as it was off.
So since i turned it on i have been checking the folder regularly. Low and behold, there are conversations with him and random girls, him asking them to talk dirty and if they like 10 inch cock and more stuff that.
I never said anything to no one, i had dropped hints to him that i knew what he was up to but he never caught on. So last night i logged on to find the worst conversation so far and couldn't take it any more, i deserve better and i know it. So i told him, i admitted to what i had done.
After a long talk/argument, he told me it was because when me and him are going through a rough patch thats his way to vent his feelings and that he was sorry. He said i didnt need to apologise for checking up on him. I just cant justify it. He also said that it hasn't been happening through our whole relationship - but i dont believe it because our relationship has been through its ups and downs.
I dont think there is an excuse for it. I just dont know what to do, i dont want to lose him, but our trust has disappeared because in a way i went behind his back in to his private things, but i knew something was wrong.
I just dont know what to do now. I feel so mad that he has treated me this way, but i love him, he has helped me through so much, i just dont know.:impissed:
Basically i've been with my boyfriend for about a year and half, we are moving in together within the next month, i love him to bits. He is 24 and im 20 (just so you know because it will come across like he is 15) He has his own msn account etc, when i used to walk in the room at his parents where his pc is, if he was on msn he would always keep the chat windows hidden from me, i kept letting it slide saying i was just being paranoid, until the middle of march, i decided he must be up to something as we don't hide anything from each other and i was almost positive he was doing something i didnt want to see. So i turned on the option to save his msn conversations as it was off.
So since i turned it on i have been checking the folder regularly. Low and behold, there are conversations with him and random girls, him asking them to talk dirty and if they like 10 inch cock and more stuff that.
I never said anything to no one, i had dropped hints to him that i knew what he was up to but he never caught on. So last night i logged on to find the worst conversation so far and couldn't take it any more, i deserve better and i know it. So i told him, i admitted to what i had done.
After a long talk/argument, he told me it was because when me and him are going through a rough patch thats his way to vent his feelings and that he was sorry. He said i didnt need to apologise for checking up on him. I just cant justify it. He also said that it hasn't been happening through our whole relationship - but i dont believe it because our relationship has been through its ups and downs.
I dont think there is an excuse for it. I just dont know what to do, i dont want to lose him, but our trust has disappeared because in a way i went behind his back in to his private things, but i knew something was wrong.
I just dont know what to do now. I feel so mad that he has treated me this way, but i love him, he has helped me through so much, i just dont know.:impissed:
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Comments
You said that the trust has gone, and this is a major issue. Because without trust your relationship hasn't really got a leg to stand on. He's apologised and stuff but is it always going to be on your mind? If everytime he goes on the computer your worrying of feeling paranoid then the trust has obvousily been lost.
Can he make a promise to you that he won't do it again? Would you believe this promise? Do you think the relationship is stronger than this? You both need to really talk about this. Because he shouldn't have been doing this and I don't think his excuse at the moment is really a very good one.
It's a VERY tough situation this, it isn't like he has cheated on you, even though it may feel like it, but he still should never have done that.
Obviously you can't check up on him all the time anymore even if he does promise never to do it again, its just a matter of taking his word and moving on from it. Are these girls girls that he knows or random ones? If he doesn't know them you could suggest he deleted the addys and doesn't speak to them again.
If you really need to re think the relationship maybe have a break to sort your head out. It sounds like you are in a serious relationship and think a lot of him so i think a second chance could be worth it. Maybe a break will make him realise what he could lose.
For now, let him do the leg work and you the thinking, he's the one in the wrong remember not you, despite the snooping.
I've probably gone off the point here but maybe said something useful but i wish you the best of luck and hope you figure out what is best soon
i think you deserve better - could you ever see yourself trusting him again??
My opinion is that you should split up with him. You cant trust him anymore anyway so whats the point? If you stay with him it WILL carry on in some form, because he will always know that he can get away with doing it and still keeping you.
I know from time to time that I have rather rude conversations with people on MSN, well very very very rarely, until one nympho found her way on to my list :nervous: :crazyeyes but it's all just a fictious scenario, despite what is said on there I know faced with the option of it happening i would politely refuse since I'm lucky enough to have the most fantastic girlfriend i could ever have, the person i've been hoping to come along for all those years and I wouldn't want to be infested with the guilt of having cheated on her, even if she was to never know.
I guess MSN and the like at times can just be your very own interactive porn mag! I know a huge number of women have no problem with their fellas looking at porn, i just view these MSN conversations as one of those naughty stories with the addition of being able to manipulate how the story goes...
But I guess if you're not so secure about your relationship in the first place, and think he may actually be sweet talking them with the intention to really go and meet them then i guess you're likely to feel differently about it.
It’s hard to call as I would’nt want my gf talking dirty with random guys on MSN.
Don't stay with him just because he's helped you in the past. Look how you feel now and if you see a future with him!
I got out the shower last night to find him chatting away on msn to one of his male friends. I was a bit pissed off he was on msn, i wouldn't of cared if he was just online looking at websites. I told him he had a nerve going on it and he told me to go and check who he was talking to as it was on still but that wasn't the point, after less than a day he's on msn like nothing happened.
He also appologised later that things had turned out this way.
I just dont want to lose him and everything we have to look forward to, he's bought a house with i was going to be contributing to, and bought a sofa for it which is being made, he's helped me overcome my depression and times of unemployment. I Just can't understand why he would jepardise our future when we have so much to look forward to - his answer for that was i dont know. I also asked who did he think wanted our relationship more and he said both, but it doesn't feel like that anymore.
The girls he talked to as far as i know are total random people he only knows from the internet.
I know he has a big sexual history, i'm the 83'rd person he has slept with, but that doesn't bother me, but it makes me wonder that he misses his younger days where he would pull most weekends.
In this case, I believe you were out of order here. So what if he's on MSN again? Think realistically.
The rest of it, sure it's a bit seedy, but again, I don't believe he's done anything massively wrong. If he hasn't met any of these people, then it's not an issue. Everybody I know ends up talking filth to one person or another when online at some point! If you ARE going through a rough spot, then perhaps he *is* just getting an extra bit of excitement through it - but he is still not cheating on you etc etc etc.
If you feel the relationship is at an end, then finish it. If not, just move on past this and talk about it.
:yes:
Bollocks.
... and it doesn't sound like 'cyber-sex'. Just some filthy chat.
Cyber-sex is an utter pile of bollocks anyway, IMO! 'Interaction'? No - for me to interact sexually, you have to be there. Everything else just isn't gravy, baby.
Well make sure you don't ever say hello to me should we meet buddy, i don't want your girlfriend accusing me of being your gay lover and beating me senseless.
Sorry in all seriousness i feel that is just a far too simplistic and exaggerated way to view it, BUT if thats how you see it then that's your view, I honestly don't agree though.
I prefer my reply. I used the work "Bollocks". Twice.
Well i'm a polite, thoughtful, considerate young man
I don't think that's true!! There isn't any genuine interaction, is there?? Even if he WAS having cyber sex with some Norwegian girl or something, there's not much chance of them ever getting together in real life, is there???
It's all just harmless fun, in my opinion....ALTHOUGH, if it was my bloke doing it, I'd still be fine but I'd like him to mention it to me...with anything, it's the lying (or holding back the truth) that can make a situation seem worse than it is...if he just mentioned it and you could both have a laugh about it, then no problem! :thumb:
Whilst it depends in every relationship, I think in my experience one of the big problems is that people think what they're doing isn't wrong, so don't feel like they're cheating even though their partner does think it's cheating.
I mean, it all depends. Can you cheat without actually kissing / touching another person? If you think that's impossible then fair enough. But I think most people think you can be unfaithful without actually having sex.
eta: of course it's not cheating if it's out in the open and both people are fine with it, but the fact it was concealed shows otherwise
No - to me, cheating is a physical thing, not necessarily a mental thing.
Hell, if I was with a lass I'd be cheating every few minutes as I'm often thinking about doinking some other lass or checking somebody out! :yeees: Doesn't mean i'd do it. Now - how is that cheating, exactly?
I like the word 'Bollocks'!
:yes: definitely, i would say that the dirty talking is more lack of respect towards your partner than cheating.
Last summer we were out in derby having some drinks when he was texting, he told me it was a "mate".
I saw a girls name on the title when he was sending it and knew that was bullshit, i read the sent items the next day and again he had sent some girl he either shagged previously or knew a text saying "fancy a fuck?"
When i confronted him about this he denied sending the message, quickly deleted it and tried to prove he hadn't. but i read it with my own eyes.
10 mins later i had him in tears apologising and admitting to it.
I mean i let him off for that, i have forgiven him, i just dont think he can stop his past like emotions of being with many girls go.
I know the house thing will make or break us, but he has bought the house and has a mortgage, i just dont want to move in and have to leave. i would rather have it as painful as possible with little hassle if the worst comes to the worst.
I just can't stop myself from loving him and i was looking forward to our future, i just dont want to make a wrong decision and regret it.
Curiosity killed the cat though. What's your next move?
Sod the house. Sod the mortgage. Sod helping through bad times.
If you feel you're having to check up on him by reading his texts/MSN chats, there is a massive issue of trust, or rather, the lack of it. That is a *major* thing and without it, you have no hope.
Thinking it is one-way.
Talking to someone in a sexual way is interaction. Thus it's worse. Whether you define it as cheating is up to your own standards.
I wouldn't talk that way with a girl online because it would make me feel unfaithful. Similiarly, if a girlfriend talked that way with someone else it would make me feel betrayed.
agreed