Her mum hates me...

Former Member

I've been dating someone for over three months. Things are not perfect but we do like each other a hell of a lot! However, her mum totally hates me and has pretty much forbidden her from seeing me...

We're both adults, she's 18 and I'm 24. Something happened at the beginning of our relationship, her mum found packet from morning after pill (the following morning after she'd been out with me). Her mum hit the roof, insisting that her innocent daughter was 'obviously' corrupted by me. They're catholic religion, which maybe somewhat of a reason.

Since this event she's just lied to her mum and met up with me using the excuse of meeting others (friends, people from work, etc). Unfortunately, her mum answered her phone the other day... and busted me. Now, my girlfriend has been told never to see me again. Her mum is disappointed in her and she feels disappointed in herself for lying. This will effectively finish things, I don't want that and neither does she.

I feel "judged" and "convicted" by her mum, and branded a bad guy unfairly. She's never even met me. And I don't think that I am bad. Her mum has an iron grip on her, threating to kick her out. Actually, she played this card early on in the relationship and it never came true. But my girlfriend only has her family to support her, to be ignored (like she is being at the moment) and potentially kicked out is just awful.

Is there anything I can do? Is there anything we can do?

Thanks

**helen**

Hi knobbbly,
This sounds like a really upsetting situation - while your girlfriend is 18 her mother is obviously a dominant figure in her life which is generally fine, but not if she is stifling her freedom and causing problems for a relationship that is otherwise going well. This must be difficult to get your head round.

I think the main thing that you can do in this situation is to completely respect any decisions your girlfriend makes.

You say she only has her family to support her, does she also have friends that she's able to confide in about this? Or even the parent of a good friend? Alternatively, have you spoken to your own Mum about this to see if she has any suggestions/input.

Another option is for you/your girlfriend to write to askTheSite about what's happening. An experienced advisor will be able to respond to your dilemma.

The following articles may offer some insight into this situation:

Problematic parents

This Q&A from the askTheSite archive explains the options available if your parents are threatening to make you homeless: moaning mum

And here's another - specifically related to a disapproving parent:
Mum's making me homeless

I hope things work out for you both

Former Member

What is her father's view on all of this?

Former Member

Yeah the important thing is to respect your girlfriend's decision. If she wants to end it (even if it is for the wrong reasons) because her mum is making her unhappy, then you should respect that and end it. As long as she is willing to fight her mother and stand up for herself, then carry on the relationship. She's 18 and her mother has fuck all to do with her life (or shouldn't anyway).

Good luck.

Former Member

Her Mum has said that as long as she's living under her roof then she will obey her rules. I don't think she is strong enough to move out. Her Dad doesn't live with them, her Mum/Grandmum have heavy influence on her life - They are extremely protective.

I am upset over this but I feel 'indifference' mainly, because it's out of our control. In my previous relationships, I've always got on well with their parents and been accepted like one of the family.

Thank-you for your replies.

Former Member

**Helen** wrote: »

Alternatively, have you spoken to your own Mum about this to see if she has any suggestions/input.

My Mum has suggested that I should make a point of talking to her. To appolgise for this mistake and to hopefully show her that I am not this terrible monster. My girlfriend is absolutely terrified of this talk with her Mum, but there are some social norms that most people follow, what is the worst that could happen (?)

Former Member

The worst that could happen is that you end up splitting up with your girlfriend which by the sounds of your posts, is quite on the cards if you don't do anything!

I think your Mum's suggestion is a good one - so far all your girlfriend's Mum has to go on is the monster in her mind - go and talk to her... rewrite her impression of you... make an effort to be patient with her, as you say, she has her daughters best interests at heart I just think they are a little misplaced.

As for your girlfriend being scared of the talk... she has to understand that she is an adult and her opinions/views should count for a lot. Make sure she is there to support you and show a united front... show her Mum you guys are serious about each other.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

**helen**

Splodgey wrote: »

The worst that could happen is that you end up splitting up with your girlfriend which by the sounds of your posts, is quite on the cards if you don't do anything!

I think your Mum's suggestion is a good one - so far all your girlfriend's Mum has to go on is the monster in her mind - go and talk to her... rewrite her impression of you... make an effort to be patient with her, as you say, she has her daughters best interests at heart I just think they are a little misplaced.

As for your girlfriend being scared of the talk... she has to understand that she is an adult and her opinions/views should count for a lot. Make sure she is there to support you and show a united front... show her Mum you guys are serious about each other.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

:yes: wise words.