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Cracking up?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Put this in health because I suppose it counts as mental health.... will warn you now though, this will be a TOTAL rant. And go on for ages.


Right... basically, about 8 weeks ago now, I had an abortion (I know this is a touchy subject for some on here, but please, any criticism you have I can't handle hearing just now). It was a bit of a horrible thing, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Luckily, in a drunken moment about 24 hours after finding out I was pregnant, I blurted it out to my mate, who has supported me through it. I also managed to tell another mate afterwards. So I've not been totally alone.

Unfortunetly, I'm not really a very open person about my past, but this has really made me let my guard down, and tell these two mates things I'd pretty much chosen to ignore. (I'm not going into those on here either, as I'm pretty sure no one would believe me!). So all those thoughts are swimming around my head, which I've obviously never properly dealt with.

Ultimately, it all lead to me doing something very stupid and taking an overdose on Tuesday night. Once I realised what I'd done I panicked and called the friend mentioned before, and she came round and helped me, and stayed with me til early morning.

I didn't really think about it at the time, but now I don't know what my actual point of the matter was? I called my friend as soon as I started to feel poorly, so I can't assume my actual goal was to actually kill myself, but then I don't know what it was. I've also been self harming a little bit recently, and I don't know where that's come from either.

My two friends are trying so hard to help me and find out whats wrong, but I don't know where to begin with it all - and I feel so guilty because they've both got their own problems and all I'm causing is worry and upset for them. I have been to the doctor to ask about depression, but he saw me a few times over a few weeks and decided I was fine. (admittedly, this was all before Wednesday)

I just really don't know what to do anymore. More, I don't trust myself being alone anymore, which I am quite alot. :crying:

Phew, rant over.

Comments

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to hear about all this.

    If you're not happy with what your doctor said then go back - either to see him/her again or someone else.

    I'm sure I read somewhere (probably www.recoveryourlife.com - which is very useful for self harm information) that small overdoeses are considered self harm and not suicid attempts or anything liek that.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    some kind of professional help may be a good idea if you can deal with that especially as you had the abortion so recently i dont think it would be a problem-it will take time though-*hugs* and the best of luck
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So sorry to hear you have been having such a hard time of it recently, I think by the sounds of it you are crying out for a way to get help but after seeing the doctor and being dismissed its no wonder you are dealing with your problems the way you have been.

    You need to go back to the doctor and explain about the self harming, overdose and the way you are feeling, if you are not happy with the doctor you saw initially ask to see some one else. You could take someone for moral support, you have said that these problems have probably arisen from unresolved issues from your past and obviously more recent events, so although anti-depressants might help in the short term, in the long term I expect you will need professional councelling to help you through this difficult time. I hope things get better for you, sending you big hugs :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    After you had your abortion, did you get offered any counselling or anything like that?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    please go to your doctor or even a&e about the overdose thing - you might feel fine but it might've causes more harm than you realise.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    please go to your doctor or even a&e about the overdose thing - you might feel fine but it might've causes more harm than you realise.

    :yes: and also avoid any toher medicines at the moment as its more likely to tip you over the edge and be another unintentional overdose depending how long ago it was-if it was over 72 hours ago then you should be fine but be careful

    ETA: o and if you had any periods where you cant remeber what happened check in with a doctor-it does happen and is scary when you realise you have crossed 3 main roads but dont remeber leaving your house-just be careful and please get help
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nikki* wrote: »
    Ultimately, it all lead to me doing something very stupid and taking an overdose on Tuesday night. Once I realised what I'd done I panicked and called the friend mentioned before, and she came round and helped me, and stayed with me til early morning.

    I'm actually quite worried about this. What did you take and how much ? When you say you're friend helped you what do you mean ? Did you go to hospital, was you sick and did you vomit the pills back out ? I really think you should go to A & E a.s.a.p., now preferably, as you could of caused untold damage to yourself.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yea what did you eat? if you banged a load of paracetamol you think you're fine and you're fucked a few days later.. go get it checked out

    all the best
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Please go to A&E as soon as you see this just to be on the sale side. *hugs*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aw thanks everyone. My friend did take me to A&E, this is why she had to come round - I didn't feel comfortable going to my own as my mum and aunty were working up there at the time, so she took me to one in a nearby town. Because I'd already been sick they didn't do much, claimed I'd "probably vomited most of them back out" and we got so irritated with how badly I was being treated that I soon left, but I have followed their advice.

    I wasn't offered any councelling that I remember, but then I doubt I would have taken it as I've tried councelling in the past and it just doesn't work with me. I am considering going back to the doctors though because I feel like such a horrible friend atm, they're constantly checking up on me and texting me and panicking if I don't reply, I just feel like I'm causing all untold trouble for them as well. And I keep snapping at my boyfriend (who has no idea whats going on). Just don't know where to begin with it all. Eurgh.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Does your boyfriend know you had an abortion?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Does your boyfriend know you had an abortion?

    No. Tbh, it's not something I want to tell him yet, not because it would cause any trouble, but because I know he'd support my decision anyway and he's really not the best with things like that, and may make me feel slightly more guilty. Selfish I know but I really cant take much more stress.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to hear how you're feeling and I'm glad you're not going through it alone. I don't have any experience with things like this so all I would say is to go back to the doctors and tell them about the overdose and just how hard you're finding it to cope with it all right now. Tell them it has also brought things up about your past which you haven't dealt with yet (although you don't need to tell the doctor what these are). I think you need someone to talk to about all this. I'm not sure if medication to help you through the stress would be the best route to go but its something you could discuss with the doc.
    Other than that I'm sure there are helplines out there although I don't know what? You're obviously very stressed to the point of harming yourself which is very worrying.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Nikki, sorry you've been having such a hard time recently- you've obviously got a lot to think about. I agree with the others in that you should go back to the doctors and tell them about how you are feeling- you can always ask to make an appointment with one of the other GPs if you think yours won't pay attention. It seems like there are other issues that you need to talk through with someone so some kind of therapy might be a good idea- I know you said it didn't work before but its worth giving it another shot.

    As for your friends, you would do the same for them if it came to it. Friends are there for each other so don't feel bad about relying on them for some support these days. I'm really glad that you aren't going through this alone and its great that you've got friends who are so supportive.

    *Hugs*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks everyone. I think I'm going to see if I can make an appointment with the doctors on Tuesday, possibly a female one. My mate goes to the same surgery as me (I've only recently transferred there) and she raves about this one doctor there, so I might request to see her.

    Right now I'm trying my hardest to not be left on my own for too long - and it's helping alot - but my parents go away next weekend so I'll have a week of being on my own to try and overcome. Which might be tough, especially at night. :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh Nikki, I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful and that you're struggling to cope. It's fantastic that you've been able to confide in anyone, I know it's one of those situations where you put a lot of pressure on yourself to cope and "be ok" but having an abortion is a huge deal - even if you know it was the right decision for you!

    I definitely think your wishes to pursue counselling are wise, this is a lot to cope with and obviously you aren't coping. There's no shame in that, the only shame is on the doctor who won't listen and won't help you. Keep going back, don't be afraid to ask them for what you think you need. It is their job to look after your mental health as well as your physical health, if they've treated the physical and are neglecting the emotional then they aren't fulfilling their duty to you. Keep going back. Get all the help you need so you can move on and see this for what it was - a means to an end.

    I think counselling would probably have helped me a lot after I had an abortion, but as with you [so far] it was never really offered to me and I just sort of got on with things. Don't feel that you have to do that. Doctors are sometimes so unhelpful that it seems easier to just hush up and leave things be. It's a wise decision to see another GP, it's great that you've had a recommendation from a friend. Keep going back until they refer you on and you feel you're getting the help you need - they're not there to sit in judgement or tell you that you're fine when you don't feel that way. Don't accept that.

    As others have said, don't feel badly about leaning on your friends for support. I assure you that they want to be there for you, so rely on them as much as you need. Friends are a lifeline in these situations, my best friend had an abortion which caused her to go into a really deep depression and I would've moved heaven and earth to help her if only she'd told me sooner! The advice I can give you is that talking about it will help - be it to your best friend or a trained counsellor or someone on the other end of an email exchange - that's how your thoughts clear and you get perspective and - finally - you move on. Talk, talk, talk. I can understand why you don't want to tell your boyfriend, I'm sure he would step up to the plate and be a great support but if you feel that his emotions are too much for you to handle on top of your own then I can understand your decision.

    You're going to be fine, I promise you. If you care to talk about it on here then we're all here to listen and give you as much support and comfort as we're able. You can always PM me. Please be kind to yourself, you've been through so much.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is there anyone you could stay with for that week when your parents go away? Do they know anything about this?

    Like Briggi has said - don't feel you should be just getting on with things. Lean on your friends for support if you have to.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sofie wrote: »
    Is there anyone you could stay with for that week when your parents go away? Do they know anything about this?

    Like Briggi has said - don't feel you should be just getting on with things. Lean on your friends for support if you have to.

    No my family have absolutely no idea, about now or the past. I am a ridiculously closed person, I don't like anyone knowing when there's something wrong with me.

    I am relying on my friends quite alot, but its getting to a point that they need me as well, as their own problems are coming to a head, so we're all very much all ove rthe place and I so don't want this to ruin our friendship so I'm closing up again, just so there's one less thing going on. Which is probably why I posted on here tbf, just to wake me up.

    Thankyou so much to everyone that's posted (or PMed) me over this. I don't know what I was expecting when I posted on here, but definetly not this level of kindness, and I do actually feel a little bit stronger, knowing that a bunch of people I've never met don't think I'm crazy :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No problems, you're welcome.:)

    You're like me - my parents don't know about my self harm; very few people do. The only reasons for people knowing (apart from one) is because I know they'd be able to help me out in some way or another.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know you say you're a closed person but i think telling your parents would help you - they will be able to help you more than you realise.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh Nikki :( I'm sorry you've been feeling this way.

    I don't really have much to add to what others have said really.

    I do recommend the counselling thing though. It may help you to talk to someone. If you don't like the idea of counselling then there are many helplines you can ring. You can email the samaritans too.

    Sorry, I don't really have anything useful to say :(

    Feel free to PM me. Hope things get better for you soon *hugs*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Nikki

    So sorry to hear about what you've been going through. It probably doesn't feel like it, but you've already really helped yourself just by telling your friends. It sounds like they really care about you, so it's good that you have people looking out for your needs. Try not to feel guilty about that - they obviously want to be there for you, so don't add to your worries by feeling guilty about taking up their time.

    What you need to concentrate on now is looking after yourself and getting through this difficult time. Having an abortion is an incredibly upsetting experience, especialy as you've done it without the knowledge of your boyfriend. Have you considered talking to him about it? It may help you to move on if you open up to him - he may surprise you.

    Going to see a doctor you feel comfortable with would be a really positive step as they'd be able to offer you some contacts of support services that you could get in touch with. You could also try making an appointment with your local Brook Centre. If you don't have one nearby, give them a call on 0800 018 5023. They offer advice, counselling and medical help around contraception, pregnancy, abortion and sexual health. Also, taking a look at our article on coping with an abortion may help.

    Good luck at the doctor's, let us know how you get on and take care of yourself.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks everyone for all the support and kindness. It means alot that no one here accused me of totally overreacting (which I was so sure I was doing) :)

    I went back to the doctors today and saw someone different, and I actually burst into tears because she listened to me. (I normally struggle crying in front of other people.) She really listened to me, and took action, made me take some tests (which I'm ashamed to admit came to like 17 marks, when 10 is considered a problem!) and has prescribed me some antidepressants, which I've started today. I'm so relieved. We discussed the councelling, and because of my previous records with councellors (ha) she's not sure thats the best step while I'm still so vunerable but she's looking into it.

    I feel so much better just for that. Obviously I'm nowhere near fixed - I've got to stay on these tablets for up to a year before she'll even consider taking me off them! - but there's a huge weight off my mind knowing that things are going to start looking up and that someone has finally paid attention. Which is partly due to the encouragement from here. So thankyou :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Glad to hear that you've got somewhere.
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    BunnieBunnie Posts: 6,099 Master Poster
    sweetie pie, I have only just seen this.

    I am so sorry you feel like that, and although I cant say anything useful, you know where I am and you just get in touch whenever, no matter the time.

    Love you x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bunnie wrote: »
    sweetie pie, I have only just seen this.

    I am so sorry you feel like that, and although I cant say anything useful, you know where I am and you just get in touch whenever, no matter the time.

    Love you x

    Thankyou chicken :) I am feeling a lot more positive though about finally making myself better, so hopefully this will be the beginning of the end :)
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