want to do it again
ive tried to read and draw ive used a red marker ive used elastic bands and ive even hit myself to try and feel the pain but i still want to sh im trying to figure out why its so important but i havent got an answer and this is my last try to distract myself before i do so im writing now.
im sorry if its long or if im not supposed to do it like this but i really have no idea how else to stop
i hate the nightmares so much i hate waking up feeling like somebody is on my chest and i hate that i have to turn on the light and it still takes me so long to get away from it and i hate that all i can do is sh to feel okay again. i feel dizzy from hyperventilating and i feel sick and sweaty idek how i can have such a vivid image in my head that i cant seem to get it out of my mind or how i have the nightmare and it doesnt make me wake up sooner. i hate waking up so scared that even oncce the light is on i totally freeze up bc im so scared to move i hate all of it and i hate that im like this. theyre getting worse and it takes me longer and longer to calm down and the need to sh makes it worse in a way bc ik that i shouldnt but i reallly really want to. maybe its because the pain is the only way ik that im awake... idek
omg i hate this so much why cant it all just go awya and leave me alone why cant i hjust be normal why cant i stop this