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want to do it again

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
its 1:30am and ive had another nightmare and im struggling to not sh again ive been on the web looking for coping methods and distractions but rn none of it is helping.

ive tried to read and draw ive used a red marker ive used elastic bands and ive even hit myself to try and feel the pain but i still want to sh im trying to figure out why its so important but i havent got an answer and this is my last try to distract myself before i do so im writing now.

im sorry if its long or if im not supposed to do it like this but i really have no idea how else to stop

i hate the nightmares so much i hate waking up feeling like somebody is on my chest and i hate that i have to turn on the light and it still takes me so long to get away from it and i hate that all i can do is sh to feel okay again. i feel dizzy from hyperventilating and i feel sick and sweaty idek how i can have such a vivid image in my head that i cant seem to get it out of my mind or how i have the nightmare and it doesnt make me wake up sooner. i hate waking up so scared that even oncce the light is on i totally freeze up bc im so scared to move i hate all of it and i hate that im like this. theyre getting worse and it takes me longer and longer to calm down and the need to sh makes it worse in a way bc ik that i shouldnt but i reallly really want to. maybe its because the pain is the only way ik that im awake... idek

omg i hate this so much why cant it all just go awya and leave me alone why cant i hjust be normal why cant i stop this


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I found that writing and turning to doing a blog post was a lot better.. It helps you take your mind off things whilst also getting everything you need to off your chest. Even though we're going through different things, I know the feeling of wanting to run away and feel like how a normal average person would feel.. but we're all so special in our own ways. I don't know what I could say about coping mechanisms because I've not experienced what you have.. but what about maybe chatting online to someone? Like the online chat on here? Even if you don't talk about what you're going through, just talking to someone might help you take your mind off things. You can PM me if you feel like you just want to talk about how your day has been or what you had for dinner!!

    Sending hugs - you can and will get through this *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ty lizzie, like i said before its so helpful just being able to talk to someone without all the politics and stigma. just writing things here helps alot and it helped alot last night. being able to just say what im feeling without somebody freaking out totally helps
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix

    So sorry youre struggling so much. You write 'why cant i just be normal, why cant i stop this' - but what is normal? and i know its not something that can be easily be stopped but i think you will be able to live a life you want to live and not a life you feel you need to live because of how you feel. And you can be in control. And will find other ways of coping other than self harm one day.but takes lot of time and work.

    Im glad to hear that you find it helpful to share how youre feeling. Can really help. Hope youre feeling a lil better today.
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