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Personal life rant page.
Animalloverb
Posts: 622 Incredible Poster
I am just making this so when I feel the need to get something off my chest I can come to this one rather than constantly making new ones.
My son was improving and became more alert and started to play with his toys again I kept his oxygen on but took his machine off as he was in the same area as me and I was sat with him, he then just went all pale and had a blue tint to his face and looked off i put the monitor back on and his oxygen was low while on his flow of oxygen so I turned it up to a higher flow and if I have to turn it into an even higher flow I will have to get him to hospital. He has no temperature or any signs of illness. His pediatrician does believe he has other conditions as we don't believe his oxygen and hear rate issues are caused by his cancer or his cancer treatment but he cannot be sure until his cancer treatment is complete.
He has given me such a scare today but he is currently sleeping here with me and his oxygen is slowly increasing back into a normal range.
I have a personal fear of hospitals as my fiance passed away in hospital.
My son was improving and became more alert and started to play with his toys again I kept his oxygen on but took his machine off as he was in the same area as me and I was sat with him, he then just went all pale and had a blue tint to his face and looked off i put the monitor back on and his oxygen was low while on his flow of oxygen so I turned it up to a higher flow and if I have to turn it into an even higher flow I will have to get him to hospital. He has no temperature or any signs of illness. His pediatrician does believe he has other conditions as we don't believe his oxygen and hear rate issues are caused by his cancer or his cancer treatment but he cannot be sure until his cancer treatment is complete.
He has given me such a scare today but he is currently sleeping here with me and his oxygen is slowly increasing back into a normal range.
I have a personal fear of hospitals as my fiance passed away in hospital.
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Comments
What you describe about seeing your son's levels drop and noticing him changing colour sounds so heart-breaking and frightening to go through, especially when it happens out the blue like that and you don't know what's happening or why. I can imagine that might leave you both feeling really shaken.
It sounds so hard and triggering too to have that thought of a hospital admission looming over you, because that space is really emotionally weighted after the loss of your fiance too.
How are you both doing this afternoon? When sudden moments happen like that, after the scare is over, how do you signal to your body and mind that you're safe again?
We are both doing better this afternoon, so oxygen levels did get back into the normal range which is good, he did have a long nap and is now currently watching a movie and playing with his cars while I am trying to get some work done.
It is hard to signal to my body and mind that everything is okay now, I look at my son and tell myself that he is doing better, he is okay now and I know how to care for him if things were to change. But sometimes after moments like that I do stay on edge all day, its hard knowing his condition can worsen in a matter of seconds.
My son can speak but not all his words are easy to understand as he does have some delays which is okay, he does sometimes say he feels weird and it hurts when he gets his treatment which is heartbreaking.
The loss of my fiance has been really difficult, especially when this was the first Christmas without her.
Tw- mention of passing
This is a meditation which focuses on helping create a sense of safety in the body, if you might find it soothing:
I have many problems that I am dealing with on a daily basis that I don't really talk about anymore but also things that I have never really spoken about on here, and it just all affects me mentally.
I have got the majority of my house cleaned now which is good, I need to give my sons room a clean and then I will be done.
My son has had two medical episodes which were awful to witness.
I just don't feel able to talk about me anymore if you get what I'm saying.
It’s obvious from your words how attentive, patient, and loving you are as a parent. You noticed the changes in your son right away, stayed with him, acted quickly, and kept him safe. It makes complete sense that your body and mind are still on high alert. Even if you don’t feel strong in these moments, what you’re doing is a remarkable act of love and bravery. You are showing up for him in ways that matter more than words can express.
I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your fiancé. Losing the person you planned your life with leaves a quiet, aching space that never really disappears and having to keep moving forward without her. Grief like that doesn’t have a timeline, and it doesn’t get easier just because time passes and I can only imagine how the first Christmas without her can make everything feel sharper and more painful.
It is also completely okay if you don’t feel able to talk about yourself right now. When life has demanded so much for so long, sometimes all you can do is take care of what’s in front of you and get through the day. Even managing to clean parts of the house is a reflection of your resilience, not something small. You are doing what you can, in the moment, and that truly is more than enough.
Please remember that you are not alone. This community is here to hold space for you: for the fear, the exhaustion, the grief and the moments of relief and hope. You are doing the very best you can in an unimaginably hard situation and that deserves so much kindness, patience and recognition. This space is here whenever you need it and even though things feel heavy right now, you are strong, compassionate and capable of moving through it one step at a time.
Things are so hard right now, not just with my son's health but also with my own problems and mental struggles.
I did it for my music set up but I never have time do put time into my music anymore.
The purchase hasn't affected me financially, it is more of the guilt of buying it knowing I am planning on moving house.
I am still exhausted and I am still experiencing the physical symptoms of that.
I feel guilty for buying things for myself that aren't necessary. I only use my money for bills, food, and stuff for my son. I am currently trying to save as I am wanting to move home to ensure both of mine and my sons safety so when I purchase things for myself as a 'treat' I feel really guilty.
I echo what @Verity said: feeling guilty for buying something for yourself doesn’t make you selfish at all. You do so much every day for your son, for bills, for the house, and for all the responsibilities you’re juggling, and it’s only natural to sometimes want a little treat or something that makes you feel good. Treating yourself doesn’t undo all the amazing things you do, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong because you deserve moments of comfort, care, and enjoyment.
You are doing more than enough, even if it doesn’t always feel like it, and it’s okay to celebrate even the tiniest steps forward, no matter how small they may seem. You are worthy of rest and relaxation just as much as anyone else. There’s nothing wrong with slowing down, with taking things step by step, and with letting yourself feel what you feel.
I hope you can feel even a little of the understanding and warmth that surrounds you, and that you can carry it with you today. You’re seen. You’re valued. You’re cared for. And you are not alone.
What happened the day that was really rough? If it would feel helpful to chat it through a little bit, we're here.
@Sian321
The day that felt really rough a few things happened but not really sure on how to explain it.
The other day I went out as my son requested so while we were out I got him food, I originally wasn't going to get anything but I didn't want to sit there with nothing in front of my son so I spoke to them about my allergies and they still messed it up, I double checked as well and they said it didn't include the things I am allergic to and turns out they somehow gave me the wrong one, I had a reaction to the meal and they apologised for their mistake but the amount of times I checked with them just for them to hand me the wrong one by mistake even when I double checked after receiving the meal. It is safe to say I will not be going there again.
I have had some scary moments today as well as today being really hard but I dont think I feel able to talk about it at this very moment.
It sounds like yesterday was very difficult, and I wonder how that's left you feeling today too? No pressure at all to share if you're not comfortable, however, we're here and want to listen if you'd like to.
It was really fustrating, luckily I always carry the medication for when reactions happen so I was able to act quickly and avoid any need for the hospital. Places need to take allergies more seriously, if someone checks with them multiple times and they still mess up then they clearly don't pay enough attention. I know places can be busy but a lot of allergies can be deadly and that could of cost my life if I didn't have the medication.
Today I am not feeling so great, I feel likei haven't mentally recovered from yesterday and so I am just feeling all over the place today. I was also meant to be at work today but a lot of my colleagues couldn't get through so we decided to close for the day, i was also meant to have a home visit with a family who want their child to attend are service and I had to cancel that due to the location so I am feeling bad about that.
I am sort of glad to not be in work today as it can give me time to get my mind back I'm a better place and I can hopefully get stuff done that I was meant to do yesterday.
I am struggling a bit with missing a few people that I lost last year. I don't want to cry or show my emotions in front of my son so I am doing my best to try and pull through.