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Personal life rant page.

AnimalloverbAnimalloverb Posts: 613 Incredible Poster
in Health & Wellbeing
I am just making this so when I feel the need to get something off my chest I can come to this one rather than constantly making new ones.

My son was improving and became more alert and started to play with his toys again I kept his oxygen on but took his machine off as he was in the same area as me and I was sat with him, he then just went all pale and had a blue tint to his face and looked off i put the monitor back on and his oxygen was low while on his flow of oxygen so I turned it up to a higher flow and if I have to turn it into an even higher flow I will have to get him to hospital. He has no temperature or any signs of illness. His pediatrician does believe he has other conditions as we don't believe his oxygen and hear rate issues are caused by his cancer or his cancer treatment but he cannot be sure until his cancer treatment is complete.
He has given me such a scare today but he is currently sleeping here with me and his oxygen is slowly increasing back into a normal range.

I have a personal fear of hospitals as my fiance passed away in hospital.

Comments

  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 3,283 Boards Guru
    @Animalloverb , thank you for making this post. It's so positive that you recognized that wish to get something off your chest, and then created that space for yourself. We're here with you to listen, and are grateful you're trusting us with this.

    What you describe about seeing your son's levels drop and noticing him changing colour sounds so heart-breaking and frightening to go through, especially when it happens out the blue like that and you don't know what's happening or why. I can imagine that might leave you both feeling really shaken.

    It sounds so hard and triggering too to have that thought of a hospital admission looming over you, because that space is really emotionally weighted after the loss of your fiance too.

    How are you both doing this afternoon? When sudden moments happen like that, after the scare is over, how do you signal to your body and mind that you're safe again?

  • AnimalloverbAnimalloverb Posts: 613 Incredible Poster
    @Sian321
    We are both doing better this afternoon, so oxygen levels did get back into the normal range which is good, he did have a long nap and is now currently watching a movie and playing with his cars while I am trying to get some work done.

    It is hard to signal to my body and mind that everything is okay now, I look at my son and tell myself that he is doing better, he is okay now and I know how to care for him if things were to change. But sometimes after moments like that I do stay on edge all day, its hard knowing his condition can worsen in a matter of seconds.

    My son can speak but not all his words are easy to understand as he does have some delays which is okay, he does sometimes say he feels weird and it hurts when he gets his treatment which is heartbreaking.
  • AnimalloverbAnimalloverb Posts: 613 Incredible Poster
    @Sian321

    The loss of my fiance has been really difficult, especially when this was the first Christmas without her.

    Tw- mention of passing
    My son goes to a children's hospital so I feel safer with him going there but if he gets rushed in to hospital the closest hospital is the one that my fiance passed in but if he needs to be admitted they do transfer him to his main hospital
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 3,283 Boards Guru
    edited December 26
    @Animalloverb , I'm so pleased to hear that your son's levels has gone up, though I hear how the adrenaline and fear created by what happened is still feeling strong. That's so valid, @Animalloverb , particularly after a scare like that. It sounds so heartbreaking too to hear him describe what the treatment has been like for him, and to feel you cannot protect him from that in the ways you wish you could. I really do hear how you're doing your very, very best with everything in your power to be by his side through this time. There's so much care, concern, and love you're balancing.

    This is a meditation which focuses on helping create a sense of safety in the body, if you might find it soothing:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtMF7Foy-q8.
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 3,283 Boards Guru
    edited December 26
    This is also a meditation for processing sudden loss or bereavement:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xks53KkW8ao
  • AnimalloverbAnimalloverb Posts: 613 Incredible Poster
    Thank you @Sian321
  • AnimalloverbAnimalloverb Posts: 613 Incredible Poster
    Today isn't getting any better
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 3,283 Boards Guru
    Hey @Animalloverb , that sounds so tiring. If it would feel helpful to share more about what's happening, we're here.
  • AnimalloverbAnimalloverb Posts: 613 Incredible Poster
    @Sian321

    I have many problems that I am dealing with on a daily basis that I don't really talk about anymore but also things that I have never really spoken about on here, and it just all affects me mentally.

    I have got the majority of my house cleaned now which is good, I need to give my sons room a clean and then I will be done.

    My son has had two medical episodes which were awful to witness.

    I just don't feel able to talk about me anymore if you get what I'm saying.
  • Ech0Ech0 Community Connector Posts: 128 The Mix Convert
    Thank you for trusting this space with something so incredibly personal and painful. What you described sounds absolutely terrifying, and I’m so sorry you and your son had to go through that.
    It’s obvious from your words how attentive, patient, and loving you are as a parent. You noticed the changes in your son right away, stayed with him, acted quickly, and kept him safe. It makes complete sense that your body and mind are still on high alert. Even if you don’t feel strong in these moments, what you’re doing is a remarkable act of love and bravery. You are showing up for him in ways that matter more than words can express.

    I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your fiancé. Losing the person you planned your life with leaves a quiet, aching space that never really disappears and having to keep moving forward without her. Grief like that doesn’t have a timeline, and it doesn’t get easier just because time passes and I can only imagine how the first Christmas without her can make everything feel sharper and more painful.

    It is also completely okay if you don’t feel able to talk about yourself right now. When life has demanded so much for so long, sometimes all you can do is take care of what’s in front of you and get through the day. Even managing to clean parts of the house is a reflection of your resilience, not something small. You are doing what you can, in the moment, and that truly is more than enough.
    Please remember that you are not alone. This community is here to hold space for you: for the fear, the exhaustion, the grief and the moments of relief and hope. You are doing the very best you can in an unimaginably hard situation and that deserves so much kindness, patience and recognition. This space is here whenever you need it and even though things feel heavy right now, you are strong, compassionate and capable of moving through it one step at a time.
  • AnimalloverbAnimalloverb Posts: 613 Incredible Poster
    I really appreciate it @Ech0

    Things are so hard right now, not just with my son's health but also with my own problems and mental struggles.
  • AnimalloverbAnimalloverb Posts: 613 Incredible Poster
    I have ordered something and I really shouldn't of done that, I should be saving the money for more important things, like the house move, bills, stuff for my son.

    I did it for my music set up but I never have time do put time into my music anymore.
  • AnimalloverbAnimalloverb Posts: 613 Incredible Poster
    I am so exhausted, I haven't felt this exhausted in a while. Normally when I have multiple sleepless nights I don't feel it this bad but this time I feel it, my body is in physical pain because of lack of sleep, I also have other symptoms too.
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