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(Suicidal thoughts but no plan) I can’t stop spiralling

bignosegirly0bignosegirly0 Posts: 379 Listening Ear
edited 2:18PM in Health & Wellbeing
I am safe from killing myself because I am at home today with my father and one of my brothers. So I can’t kill myself today due to guilt.
I’m trying to distract myself with house chores but I keep pausing and can’t help but stare into the distance as I continue to spiral mentally.

It’s an autism thing, where if one thing triggers me, even if it’s the smallest thing, it will cause me to overthink to the point of suicidal thoughts. It goes like this:

I keep getting yelled at work - I’m letting my coworkers down today - I’m useless - I don’t deserve to work in this environment because I let everyone down - despite trying to hold back my tears, I cried because someone asked if I was alright - they’re now joking about it with the person who yelled at me, jokingly calling them a “bully” - they’re secretly making fun of me for being sensitive - everyone hates me -
I should kill myself because I mean nothing and won’t survive in this world
🔁 I should kill myself 🔁 I should kill myself 🔁 I should kill myself 🔁I should kill myself
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Comments

  • Blue_lilyBlue_lily Posts: 44 Boards Initiate
    Hi @bignosegirly0

    These thoughts sound very overbearing and a lot to process on your own, you're doing really well opening up about it to this community, we are here for you.

    Are these spiralling thoughts still really loud now?

    Could you maybe watch a movie with your brother or dad? It may help keep you distracted whilst also feeling less alone for a couple of hours.

    You are so strong I am glad you're here, keep pushing through.

    <3
  • bignosegirly0bignosegirly0 Posts: 379 Listening Ear
    @Blue_lily hiya, there not as loud now, but it still plays in the back of my head. Currently, I’m trying to distract myself by continuing a creative project for myself
  • Blue_lilyBlue_lily Posts: 44 Boards Initiate
    @bignosegirly0

    That's good to hear.

    What kind of creative project are you doing?
  • bignosegirly0bignosegirly0 Posts: 379 Listening Ear
    @Blue_lily I’m making designs for my brother’s friend. She has a bakery business and wants sticker designs for the packaging.
  • OwenOwen Community Manager Posts: 23 Boards Initiate
    Hey BNG
    Thank you for sharing and sorry you’re going through this. What you’ve described sounds really challenging for you right now and it makes sense that a small trigger can develop into overwhelming thoughts.
    We encourage you to tell your dad or brother how you’re feeling right now and ask for their support, we understand that is not easy but it can help ease the burden of negative feelings. Of course, if you feel in immediate danger of harming yourself, please call 999 right away.
    If you’d like to talk to someone for more support, Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116123 or you can use Shout by texting 85258.
    Hope you are able to get the support you need.
  • bignosegirly0bignosegirly0 Posts: 379 Listening Ear
    @Owen unfortunately, my family isn’t understanding of my mental health issues. I have a history of dealing with self harm and suicidal thoughts, and every time a teacher / mental health professional would call my family, saying I’m at risk of harming myself, they would shout at me, calling me selfish, attention seeker, spoilt, childish, ungrateful etc.

    Besides my therapist, I have no one else to talk to. I am able to keep myself safe and I have been feeling midly better as of recent.
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