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Loneliness
Redemption
Community Connector Posts: 5,201 Part of The Furniture
I often feel lonely, especially during the daytime when many support services are not available. While Shout runs 24 hours, most other services only operate in the late afternoon to evening and not every day. This community has helped me a lot with my loneliness and I really appreciate it, but I worry that when I age out, I will be completely alone again. At times, it feels like this community has been all I have had, especially since I am not working and do not have many friends I can be truly open with. I do not have many friends I can do the things I am really interested in with, and there are so many things I would love to do but cannot because I have no one to share them with. I also wish I had a girlfriend. I have never had one and I am still a virgin. I have never even kissed or hugged a girl, and I feel lonely on the relationship front as well. It is hard because I do not know how I am going to meet someone. For me, it is not just about having people around, it is about having the right people who are non-judgmental, genuine friends, respect my decisions, and where the respect is mutual.
I have only recently admitted to myself that I feel lonely, though looking back, I think I have felt this way for years. I can remember times in arguments or disagreements when I wished someone would take my side, but it often felt like multiple people were against me. I have sometimes felt like no one was there to defend me, and that I had to face my struggles alone. In the past, I have been dismissed when opening up by people I thought would be there for me, and that has been tough. I just felt and still feel alone in my struggles when services are not open, and alone with my interests, my relationships, and pretty much everything. Even now, while I have people here who understand me, I still often struggle alone. I regularly have trouble sleeping, sometimes sitting on my bed bored and alone, unable to sleep, something I have struggled with most of my life, and I spend my days feeling bored and lonely. It is hard with everything else. Society can be very judgmental, and I have experienced that in many places, even from teachers, college staff, and sometimes people in mental health support roles, which is especially hurtful. Being without a job at the moment makes it even harder because society often expects people to have everything figured out by a certain age. While I think things are slowly improving in terms of understanding, it can still be tough because many people do not realise what someone else’s circumstances might be.
I have only recently admitted to myself that I feel lonely, though looking back, I think I have felt this way for years. I can remember times in arguments or disagreements when I wished someone would take my side, but it often felt like multiple people were against me. I have sometimes felt like no one was there to defend me, and that I had to face my struggles alone. In the past, I have been dismissed when opening up by people I thought would be there for me, and that has been tough. I just felt and still feel alone in my struggles when services are not open, and alone with my interests, my relationships, and pretty much everything. Even now, while I have people here who understand me, I still often struggle alone. I regularly have trouble sleeping, sometimes sitting on my bed bored and alone, unable to sleep, something I have struggled with most of my life, and I spend my days feeling bored and lonely. It is hard with everything else. Society can be very judgmental, and I have experienced that in many places, even from teachers, college staff, and sometimes people in mental health support roles, which is especially hurtful. Being without a job at the moment makes it even harder because society often expects people to have everything figured out by a certain age. While I think things are slowly improving in terms of understanding, it can still be tough because many people do not realise what someone else’s circumstances might be.
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I just wanted to say there’s the Mind thing Side by Side for 18+ - it’s not great but it’s something you could try
And i dont know if it’s available in your area but have a look at Qwell - it’s the adult version of kooth.
Thank you Toe, Im just waiting for Qwell to get back to me on the age thing because it wouldn't let me put my birth year up, my area was fine and everything just the year. I hope you're well
@Redemption I know it's hard to come to terms with loneliness. I've experienced it my entire life, and it can hurt so badly, and after a while, it just becomes the norm. And realising that it's become the norm can be a profoundly painful thing. It was for me on my 23rd birthday that the realisation hit, which actually convinced me to sign up on the Mix, and for therapy (cancelled now). For saying i've been here since May, only 4 months, i can't imagine how significant it is for you being here for years and fearing aging out. So, i'm just gonna try and put your mind at rest about this one point. About aging out, it's okay to be scared about it. Heck, I'd only be roughly a year behind you.
I'm working on developing my own site currently, and my own organisation for people who either age out that age limit on here or people who just want to join up. It's difficult with stuff going on right now, and is a monumental task for me, so i'm limiting the scope to just a community support website, and chats mainly, with AI based moderating for it (i dabbled with AI, automation and web development a bit at uni). The website design is currently being developed for it, whenever i get spare time. I've got to get formal paperwork going, policy written up that is compliant with the law, safeguarding measures put in place, and a code of conduct and a fair few other things. I already have an enhanced DBS check too which helps. I also got in contact with my uni who are helping me by mentoring me through everything and advising me through it. So, it's a fair bit off being complete, but I'm working on it bit by bit. So when you age out of here, you're gonna have somewhere to go still. Heck, when it's done, who knows who else might sign up? You'd probably see familiar faces from here. You won't lose all your community support bro. When you age out, there will be places, there will be communities like the one i'm building, and you won't be alone ever. heck, i've already succeeded in getting chatwee running on said site, so it's looking good right now.
And about never having a girlfriend, you aren't the only one. I understand that feeling of loneliness and that longing for a relationship. I'm probably the worst person on planet earth to talk relationships, but these things happen i think in the most unexpected ways, often when people aren't even excepting it. But i can promise you this Redemption. Waiting, and finding the right person, however long it takes is 1000 times better than rushing in out of loneliness and desire for a relationship with the wrong person. You're a good person redemption, you will find somebody eventually, it's just a waiting game at times.
And heck, I never made my first friends until these last few months. These things have a way of happening in the most unexpected ways. It can just take time mate, to find new friends. A few things that might help you meet new friends, include joining clubs, volunteering in your community, and joining online communities. Now, there isn't a huge amount that has worked at fixing my loneliness personally, so i may not be able to give you advice that can fix it, or improve things besides that previous advice. Certainly the mix community did improve things for a short while, and i started to feel happy for the first time, making friends for the first time, and then everything that happened, ended up happening, and i've mostly left boards for the most part since, because of it all. The thing i'm hoping helps me with my loneliness now, is getting myself a pet eventually. Just so i'm not so totally alone, in person. It might work, it might not, who knows. It might be worth looking at doing something similar if your able to, getting some kind of pet, just so your not alone. Digital friends are nice, but it's not the same as having someone with you in person. A pet can really help with that loneliness i think.
Now, about your point about society judging you. I won't get too political, but the thing about those that judge you, like teachers and college staff and many in mental health support roles, is that they mostly tend to be older people. People, who entered the job market at a time when jobs were plentiful, the economy was actually functioning, salaries were decent, the housing market was affordable, and it was actually viable to own your own home, and they judge those in todays economy for not having the same stuff figured out at the age they roughly did, despite the catastrophic state of the economy today. They don't get to criticise you, having not faced the unique challenges you have faced in life. The average age of a first time homebuyer in the UK is 34. This means half of all homebuyers are over that age. And considering the fact that this figure includes those with the help of rich parents as well, for working class lads like us who don't come from money, it's no doubt probably late 30's early 40's on average. You are not behind Redemption, and those who haven't experienced your life don't get to judge you. Also, 15% of the youth population are not in education, employment or training. A figure that has risen enormously because the entry level job market is screwed right now. Social media is deceiving, societal expectations of where to be in life at a certain age from 25 years ago, are not catching up with reality today, which is why so many feel behind, compared to there parents for example.
Sorry this is so long, and i've missed a few things.
@DonnerKebab Here’s a revised version with that point included:
Thanks for sharing all of that, it really means a lot. I get what you mean about loneliness—it’s hard to realize it’s become the norm. I can relate to that feeling, and it’s comforting to hear you’ve taken steps like signing up to the Mix and therapy.
I really appreciate what you said about aging out. Knowing you’re building a community and a site for people like me makes me feel a lot less worried about it. It sounds like an amazing project, and I’m glad you have support from your uni and all the work you’ve already done.
About relationships, thanks for the advice. I understand waiting for the right person is better than rushing, and it’s reassuring to hear that you think I’ll find someone eventually.
I hear you about friendships too. It’s good to know these things can happen unexpectedly and that joining clubs or online communities can help. I did try volunteering, but I didn’t really like it, it made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of getting paid. The idea of getting a pet to feel less alone is also really helpful.
And about society judging us—I really needed to hear that. It’s true that older people don’t understand the challenges we face today, and your point about first-time homebuyers and youth employment is reassuring.
Thanks again for taking the time to write all this. It really helps to hear your perspective and know I’m not alone.