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Taking small steps forward
Redemption
Community Connector Posts: 4,690 The Mix Elder
I know a lot of this is probably repeated, so I’m sorry for sounding like a broken record. But I just need to get it off my chest. I constantly compare myself to people my age and it gets to me. I don’t have a job, I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’m still a virgin, and I still live at home. No matter how much I try, I feel like I’m behind in life. It’s so extremely hard not to compare ourselves to other people. I’ve been doing courses to build up skills like communication, teamwork, and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. These courses aren’t a waste of time, and I’m trying to use them as a stepping stone. What hurts most is how I’ve tried to turn things around in the past by pushing through low points and trying to redeem myself only for things to fall apart again. I remember going back to college after a rough time hoping it would be different but the environment was so negative. People were rude for no reason even when I was just trying to be polite. That kind of thing sticks. It sucks being anxious in a new place fearing judgment and then actually having people be rude to you. Those experiences left a mark, and even now in more recent courses I still feel scared to talk to people. I carry those past moments with me, and they’ve shaped how I feel in new situations.
I do feel pressured, like it’s a race, especially since it’s been about three years since I finished college and I still haven’t found where I want to be. Life moves fast sometimes. One minute people are in similar positions to me, and the next it feels like everyone is getting married, buying nice cars, moving out, or graduating. It’s so, so easy to feel left behind by it all. I really think it needs to be normalised that it’s okay not to know what you want to do in your twenties. Since finishing college, I’ve tried more training and other paths, but not everything’s gone to plan. Sometimes I didn’t pick things up fast enough, or it didn’t feel right. I’ve been searching for something that gives me direction. I want to be clear that I haven’t finished until I take my next steps, which could potentially be another course. That can feel a bit rubbish sometimes, especially after such a long road trying to get into work, but it might be the best way to get me there.
With my experiences and the way I feel about myself, I find it hard to take compliments. If someone has positive things to say about me but also negative things, the negative stuff overcrowds the positive. I feel any positive stuff people compliment me on isn’t good enough. I know I haven’t given up. I’m still trying. It really gets me down being out of work. I don’t want to live a life with no structure or purpose, and that honestly scares me more than anything. If I believed that’s how things would always be, I’d feel completely hopeless. I’ve had times where I’ve felt overwhelmed and mentally drained. It hurts to see that I’m still out of work after all this time, and I sometimes dismiss the things I have achieved like they don’t count. But I’ve opened up about this because keeping it all in would’ve made things worse. I know I’m not where I want to be, but I haven’t stopped trying. I still believe I’ll get there, even if it’s taking longer than I hoped. Again I'm sorry for being like a broken record repeating everything but it is hard, I'm sorry if I'm fustrating anyone.
I do feel pressured, like it’s a race, especially since it’s been about three years since I finished college and I still haven’t found where I want to be. Life moves fast sometimes. One minute people are in similar positions to me, and the next it feels like everyone is getting married, buying nice cars, moving out, or graduating. It’s so, so easy to feel left behind by it all. I really think it needs to be normalised that it’s okay not to know what you want to do in your twenties. Since finishing college, I’ve tried more training and other paths, but not everything’s gone to plan. Sometimes I didn’t pick things up fast enough, or it didn’t feel right. I’ve been searching for something that gives me direction. I want to be clear that I haven’t finished until I take my next steps, which could potentially be another course. That can feel a bit rubbish sometimes, especially after such a long road trying to get into work, but it might be the best way to get me there.
With my experiences and the way I feel about myself, I find it hard to take compliments. If someone has positive things to say about me but also negative things, the negative stuff overcrowds the positive. I feel any positive stuff people compliment me on isn’t good enough. I know I haven’t given up. I’m still trying. It really gets me down being out of work. I don’t want to live a life with no structure or purpose, and that honestly scares me more than anything. If I believed that’s how things would always be, I’d feel completely hopeless. I’ve had times where I’ve felt overwhelmed and mentally drained. It hurts to see that I’m still out of work after all this time, and I sometimes dismiss the things I have achieved like they don’t count. But I’ve opened up about this because keeping it all in would’ve made things worse. I know I’m not where I want to be, but I haven’t stopped trying. I still believe I’ll get there, even if it’s taking longer than I hoped. Again I'm sorry for being like a broken record repeating everything but it is hard, I'm sorry if I'm fustrating anyone.
Post edited by Redemption on
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Comments
It sounds like lately that feeling of comparing yourself to others your age has really intensified, and that's left you with quite a lot of sadness, anxiety, and maybe knocks your confidence too. That's really hard. And like you said, the most difficult part of all has been trying to turn things around and then facing another set-back, such as when you tried to return to college but then people were mean. That really does sound like a very upsetting time, @Redemption , and I wonder what you remember about how that made you feel when people behaved like that towards you? I really hear just how much that has impacted you.
This does sound so anxiety inducing - that feeling of everything being a race and things changing so suddenly for the people around you whilst you're left feeling 'behind'. There's something so overwhelming about that, and sad too, when you see people experiencing some of the very same things that you long for yourself. It feels really powerful to hear you say that you think it should be normalized to not know what you want to do in your twenties. Your twenties especially can feel so, so pressured. And it sounds like you want to change that narrative and flip the script a bit! What do you think you'd want to say to someone else who felt like they had to figure everything out before they're 30?
I hear you, and it sounds like you've been wanting to be thorough? Taking those steps one at a time, making sure you've completed something fully before you start anew, and choosing new paths only once you're sure their direction feels right - would that be fair to say?
Thank you for sharing this too, and I can see how its that fear of structurlessness or not feeling a 'purpose' that is what scares you most of all at the end of the day. I wonder if you've felt able to express these fears with your counsellor at all, or perhaps with the facilitators on your course too? What has their response been like? That really does sound overwhelming, @Redemption , and I see you working so hard to create some of that structure for yourself. Reaching out here. To 1:1 support services. Through socialising. Your course. Applications and interviews. You've been trying to create that structure for yourself as best as possible and that takes a lot of dedication and commitment.
We're here for you, and thank you for sharing what's been on your mind lately.
@Sian321 Hey thank you so much for such a kind and validating message, it really means a lot. I’ve read it a few times now and each time it reminds me I’m not alone in feeling this way. You're absolutely right, it is hard comparing yourself to others, especially when it feels like they’re moving ahead in life while you're stuck, even though you’ve been trying so hard. It can be painful, especially after already facing setbacks. You really understood it when you mentioned that fear of not having a clear structure or purpose. That’s exactly what gets to me most days. It’s this constant pressure and uncertainty all mixed together, and it can be exhausting. I haven’t fully opened up about it with my counsellor yet, maybe because I worry it’ll come across as just complaining, but your message reminded me that it’s okay to share those fears and that they’re valid.
I really liked what you said about it being normal not to know what you want in your 20s. I think that’s something a lot of people need to hear more often. If I were talking to someone who felt like they had to have it all figured out before 30, I’d tell them that life doesn’t follow one perfect timeline and that it’s okay to feel uncertain and take time to find your way. I guess I just need to start telling myself that too. Thanks again for being so understanding. Your words genuinely helped me feel seen today.