Anybody want to vent or chat about anything?

River · June 16

It’s okay @DonnerKebab i may not have the right words to make things better however I’m listening, I’m happy your reaching out, you deserve support

DonnerKebab · June 16

Secondary school was rough. They were brutal also. And when i say brutal, i mean brutal. because of my carer role, i had to and still have to stay awake very late until my brother goes to sleep. As he's gotten older, he can't stay awake as much but he still stays up late. But my point is, it was worse when he was growing up and i was still in school. And that made me late a lot. And my sister, although she didn't do anything regarding care for my brother, she was also effected by his late night meltdowns. So she was given immunity from late detentions, and was allowed to leave class whenever she wanted to have a rest in the sick room. My head of year was the opposite. She was rather cold, knew my situation, didn't care. 20 minute break detention for lates, then a 40 minute lunch for persistant lates, and then just for me for still being late so much, 45 minute after school detention. So the time my brother was at his special needs school, which was the only time i had to myself, was taken off me. Thus no socialising ever.

River · June 16

That school so absolutely awful, there meant to care about the student and there home situations however most teachers are vile. I’m so sorry that you had no support from school it sounds so isolating

DonnerKebab · June 16

I tried my best to stop being late, took up energy drinks to the point of 4 a day just to stay awake. My brother would just go to school, and sleep in his sensory room and come back refreshed. It was rough and fucked my health up catastrophically. Heart palpitations, weight gain, extremely high blood pressure. It did a number on me, and became addiction. Came close to a heart attack at some points. Nobody ever gave a fuck. My grades, which were previously very high, they declined. Not stagnated, actually declined. My first mock exam i got my highest, 2nd my second highest, third, my third higher and my final GCSE's were the lowest of them. 2 years of decline clear as day in grades, nobody gave a shit or thought to flag that. No socialising, no getting to develop social skills. Just school, then home to care. My brother was at school (or on his school transport anyway to school) from 8:20 to 4pm. I was at school from 8:40 to 3pm though 3:45 due to detention. No socialising or going out after school, no social time during school.

DonnerKebab · June 16

@River sorry, i feel like i'm really droning on here, and i feel so bad venting as much as i am right now. And i'm really typing slow. Sorry for this all, and thank you. You really are saying the kindest things.

River · June 16

Friend please don’t apologise you deserve to vent @DonnerKebab

shannon_164 · June 16

DonnerKebab wrote: »

@River sorry, i feel like i'm really droning on here, and i feel so bad venting as much as i am right now. And i'm really typing slow. Sorry for this all, and thank you. You really are saying the kindest things.

you are so deserving of support, and do a LOT for all of us here especially and deserve it back @DonnerKebab !!!

i would listen too but unfortunately i have to get up for work now😫i hate my job sm ugh - literally cried over the fact i gotta go in for 40 mins now lol

DonnerKebab · June 16

College was bad. This was when my brother was at his most aggressive, and i was broke so a long walk to college cause i couldn't afford the bus. Trying to do a computing course without having a home computer wasn't the easiest thing. And i was never taught harvard referencing, which was needed in order to get anything but a pass. So i literally was getting a pass each module, and nobody thought to show me, actually, reference this exact way. So i scored bare pass on everything but the exams which is did great on. And ended up with just enough to get into uni on a degree with a foundation year.

My mental health had hit rock bottom though. Years of depression, of failings, of anxiety turned it into something else. Paranioa. Fear of everything. Health Anxiety too. I told my mum and she told me not to tell anybody because it would be a mark against my name, so i didn't. it got worse and worse and worse. I touched a traffic light, rubbed my eyes cause of an itch, and proceeded to run home and pour fairy liquid into my eye. I washed my hands at points to the point that my hands actually bled. I wasn't well. Eventually i had a breakdown at college when lads figured out i had health anxiety and started taunting me, cause one of them had HIV which eventually made me flip out, and leave. I eased back but the pandemic hit shortly after, and i finished college.

DonnerKebab · June 16

shannon_164 wrote: »

DonnerKebab wrote: »

@River sorry, i feel like i'm really droning on here, and i feel so bad venting as much as i am right now. And i'm really typing slow. Sorry for this all, and thank you. You really are saying the kindest things.

you are so deserving of support, and do a LOT for all of us here especially and deserve it back @DonnerKebab !!!

i would listen too but unfortunately i have to get up for work now😫i hate my job sm ugh - literally cried over the fact i gotta go in for 40 mins now lol

@shannon_164 thank you for everything you've said and helped me with today. You really are a saint. I'll be hear to talk and listen to you vent about your work when you finish later if you want. Best of luck with it all.

shannon_164 · June 16

DonnerKebab wrote: »

shannon_164 wrote: »

DonnerKebab wrote: »

@River sorry, i feel like i'm really droning on here, and i feel so bad venting as much as i am right now. And i'm really typing slow. Sorry for this all, and thank you. You really are saying the kindest things.

you are so deserving of support, and do a LOT for all of us here especially and deserve it back @DonnerKebab !!!

i would listen too but unfortunately i have to get up for work now😫i hate my job sm ugh - literally cried over the fact i gotta go in for 40 mins now lol

@shannon_164 thank you for everything you've said and helped me with today. You really are a saint. I'll be hear to talk and listen to you vent about your work when you finish later if you want. Best of luck with it all.

here you’ll need to give up about 10 years of your life for each shift of mine, that airport gives you several issues to vent about🤣thank you though i appreciate you!!

i did have a quick read through all what you’ve shared while convincing myself to get outta bed n i just wanna say that im so proud of you for still being here after everything you’ve been through, you really don’t deserve any of it:( and none of what has happened is your fault

DonnerKebab · June 16

There was another embarrassing thing. So, when my mum went to a coffee morning for other special needs parents, she rambled on about anything to make conversation. My sister is this, my older brother is that, complaining basically, and because i had a dark sense of humour, i made jokes at home. And she repeated one without the joke context, the social worker flagged it, and proceed to launch a counter terror investigation into me. Over a joke i told at home to my mum which she joked back. Anyway, i showed them proof that not only was i not what they claimed, but the exact opposite ideology. The searched my internet records everything pretty much and saw that i was in fact not an issue, so the social worker apologised and went on his way with the investigators. Fun stuff. This was whilst i was in college with paranioa.

DonnerKebab · June 16

University was easier at first. I got the maintenance loan, got parts and built my own computer, got myself a desk, a computer chair, all sorts. Looking forward to the future, still hopeful. But things fell apart. My mental health continued to decline, nobody cared, and by second year (first year since F year was counted as 1st year for me), I had a paranoid breakdown. I wanted to work for MI5 and it dawned on me that because of that investigation, it's a black mark on my name, even though nothing came of it, and might stop me. So, i left cyber security and jumped to software engineering, ChaptGTP came along, so i jumped ship to Computer Science (Networks and Cyber Security) and did my degree in that. I did lose hope for a long time thinking there was no future. And there was an experimental case of self harm that i won't get into due to it's graphic and experimental nature. Nobody cared, nobody gave a shit. Finished my degree whilst a full time carer still through all those years, never had the chance to joined a club or society. It was still carer then uni, carer then uni. No help coming for me i thought. And afterwards, nothing.

River · June 16

That all sounds so isolating to have to of dealt with go so many years of your life

I’m sorry you were trapped in those different situations

DonnerKebab · June 16

I am in a lot of student debt, with a degree that i was told was in high demand, and the job market doesn't exist. I am a proficient ethical hacker, i have built automated cyber hacking tools and security patches, and have written papers detailed ways in which 99% of the UK's wifi security protocols are hackable and how they should be patched. No job still. I did start to work out at home after graduating, have recently started to venture to the gym, and am making progress. I am a big guy, 6ft 2", 110KG which is overweight, but it's about 15% body fat, so mostly muscle not fat which i'm proud of since i was overweight from those energy drinks, but still mentally struggling.

River · June 16

Can you set up your own business or something

DonnerKebab · June 16

Anyway, there is more. I reached out for help at 13 from my GP, and let's just say she gave me Fluoxetine. This did something to me, and for some reason, it killed all sexual pleasure outright. Like, not even a single thing felt down there at, well, you know. Stopped taking it, still nothing. Ten years later, still nothing. That part of me died. And it's not as if i had anybody around to ask. Only got the courage to speak to the doctors about it about a year ago roughly now. They said and i quote "Because it's been an issue for so long, it doesn't need solving". Mentally i'm screwed, physically in that department i'm screwed, my position in life, is screwed. And i emotionally, had arrested development from taking on such a huge role at 11. Emotional numbness was how i survived. Thus, i don't feel burnout that much since i've had it every month or two for the last 5-6 years.

DonnerKebab · June 16

River wrote: »

Can you set up your own business or something

@River i tried. built a software tool. It tested websites to see if they were susceptible to a SQL injection attack by automating one that did no damage, just to see if it was susceptible, and then if it was, it would automate the process behind patching it, so businesses could secure there websites from the third most common type of cyber attack in the world. Literally a 10 second google search and copy and paste is how easy this attack is to do. I actually spoke to buisness lecturers at the uni for advice, and then of course, just before i went full ahead with it, microsoft included such a tool in there toolkit for Windows Server. Wasn't fast enough.

River · June 16

Ah I see, could you pick it back up again? Sometimes things take awhile for success to happen but don’t let your creative spark vanish, shine bright friend, your an amazing and inspirational human

DonnerKebab · June 16

@River there's still a fair bit more that i haven't gone over. I have never been cared for, or show much love even from my mum only on rare occasions. I think I have severe conditions, that may get diagnosed in a future therapy assessment, like CPTSD, detachment disorder, attachment issues, dependency disorders, etc etc, and yet i still have hope for the future, even though every single point in my life has been complete shit. I still have hope things will get better even though i don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I had to practically raise myself and my brother, and there's so much i'm missing as a 23 year old. Independence, emotional stability, basic social skills etc etc. I have gaps in my memory several months long, and now with my mum earlier, i'm made to effectively beg just to not be kicked out during her tantrums. She can't hit anybody like she could when i was a kid, but yeah. Just a struggle every day. I'm hoping i'll be able to overcome my emotional numbness, and for things to get better, and i still think it will.

River · June 16

That’s understandable and I relate to that a lot so your not alone I promise 💕 I just wanted to say I’m so proud of you for sharing your life with me and I am very grateful that you have trusted me with it 💕

DonnerKebab · June 16

River wrote: »

Ah I see, could you pick it back up again? Sometimes things take awhile for success to happen but don’t let your creative spark vanish, shine bright friend, your an amazing and inspirational human

Within a week Microsoft had a tool with ten times the functionality. They hire the best programmers in the world and have all the resources in the world. But i'm still looking for opportunities and gaps in the market. I'm not giving up. it's not over for me until i say it's over for me no matter how many attempts fail. There's always the chance things get better. Even if i can't see it right now, i know it.

DonnerKebab · June 16

@River you really are my first friend in my life. No joke or anything. Same for everybody on the Mix. The first people to show me real care and support in my life. So i really do want to say thank you. You've shared so much of your struggles with me, i felt like a hypocrite telling people to open up but not opening up myself. Again, thank you so much for letting me vent to you.

Plus, i think i have attachment issues so i'm sticking by all of you through thick and thin and nobody is getting rid of me 😂

River · June 16

@DonnerKebab sending you hugs 💕

AnonymousToe · June 16

@DonnerKebab i admire your resilience through all that. You’ve been through so much. Sending hugs

DonnerKebab · June 16

@River glad to know i'm not the only one. Anyway, therapy for me, who knows what they'll uncover. Maybe it will go well, maybe not. But still.

I think it's never to late to start over, try again, and pursue something different. I have a distant american cousin. Born in the UK, worked here, then went over to germany at 25 to start a new life, then to the US at 30 for a new life, worked as a prison guard for 10 to 15 years, divorced and quit, then at age about 40 to 45, he started working on an oil rig, and is making 200,000 a year in the US. He camer back to the UK now, i've been getting to know him, but damn, it's never to late to start over.

DonnerKebab · June 16

AnonymousToe wrote: »

@DonnerKebab i admire your resilience through all that. You’ve been through so much. Sending hugs

Thanks, it means a lot to me.

DonnerKebab · June 16

@River so, how are you right now? I've vented for the last i don't know how long and earlier a bit about my mum and the situation i had earlier. I've not given you much chance to vent, just unloaded everything on you. Sorry.

River · June 16

Nah dw about it @DonnerKebab its all good 💕

DonnerKebab · June 16

@River So yeah, that's most of it i'd say. Not been an easy one at all. Hit rock bottom more times than i can count. That's why i'm always trying to say that you can get out of rock bottom, and there is a way forward. There were periods where i got better for a few months and i was out of that point before something else knocked me back. It get's easier with time, but it's still hard and i'm still trying. With any luck therapy can help pull me out of it permanently. Rock bottom isn't the end, even if it seems it is and is hopeless. From personal experience, it's a long war, not a single battle.

And again, i can't thank you enough for listening to me vent, and being as kind as you have been. Please, if there's anything you want to vent to me about, please do. let me return the favour.

River · June 16

@DonnerKebab

Anybody want to vent or chat about anything?

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