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big sister? anxiety? depression? all 3? or just the absence of the first...
foxglove
Posts: 15 Settling in
so I am the oldest child in a family of 4 kids, and I am the only introvert while all the others are performing on stage, being confident im part of the tech crew, I don't make friends that easily, etc. my parents are great but it feels like they don't know what to do with a teenager. so at school when I was in year 7 I was struggling a lot but I had this sixth former who looked after me. she was at a club I went to and was my peer mentor. fast forward to year 8, I see her at least 3 times a week and text her a lot, she loves me and I love her, I am not in love in a dating way but just want to be with her all the time. she was the calm, the constant. she was the one I called when I was crying, and she was my sister. so when the inevitable happened and she left for uni and I was going into year 9, I became really sad. she was my motivation to go to school and to do well. I wanted to tell her I had a bad day, I missed her knowing everything about me. all that summer, autumn, winter I was so sad. I was happy, and while things got better in other areas, like how I now have more lessons with my real friends, I just missed having her hugs. I would text her and wait and wait and she'd reply in the middle of the night a few days later with a really brief message.
In December I saw her, and that healed the wound a bit, but within a month I missed her again. my birthday this year was rubbish, didnt have a party because all I wanted was to spend the day with her.
in the spring, April sort of time, I started to talk to her sister. when my big-sister-not-my-sister left she promised that her biological sister would look after me, but I didnt let her.
well long story short I did, I realised I loved her, I now text her most days, and just yesterday when I got really overwhelmed I found her in school and she took me to the quiet room and held me tight while I cried. I love her so much and ive got over comparing my two big sisters. but im really worried that when she leaves I will be even more depressed. what do I do when the two people who I care about the most, the two people that can look after me, leave? it is a year away but my anxiety is bad.
im just worried that im going to loose her. and that when I do, its going to be bad.
I don't know anyone else who feels this strongly attached to an older girl in a motherly/sisterly way like this. advice is most definitely welcome. and no I can't just "find someone else to talk to", I have big issues trusting people.
In December I saw her, and that healed the wound a bit, but within a month I missed her again. my birthday this year was rubbish, didnt have a party because all I wanted was to spend the day with her.
in the spring, April sort of time, I started to talk to her sister. when my big-sister-not-my-sister left she promised that her biological sister would look after me, but I didnt let her.
well long story short I did, I realised I loved her, I now text her most days, and just yesterday when I got really overwhelmed I found her in school and she took me to the quiet room and held me tight while I cried. I love her so much and ive got over comparing my two big sisters. but im really worried that when she leaves I will be even more depressed. what do I do when the two people who I care about the most, the two people that can look after me, leave? it is a year away but my anxiety is bad.
im just worried that im going to loose her. and that when I do, its going to be bad.
I don't know anyone else who feels this strongly attached to an older girl in a motherly/sisterly way like this. advice is most definitely welcome. and no I can't just "find someone else to talk to", I have big issues trusting people.
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Comments
thank you for being so open with us. i can hear just how deeply you feel things, and how much love and care you’ve poured into these relationships. it’s clear that these big sisters of yours have meant the world to you, especially during times when things felt overwhelming or uncertain. it makes total sense that losing that constant support, even if it’s just them moving on with their lives, feels heartbreaking and scary.
you’re not weird or alone for feeling this way. the kind of bond you had (and still have) with them is really special, like finding safe harbour in a storm, and it’s completely natural to be scared of losing that when it’s helped you feel steady.
it’s also really brave of you to open up to her sister, especially when trust is hard for you. letting someone in after you’ve already felt loss is a big deal, and you did it anyway. that shows a kind of strength that even you might not see in yourself right now.
i know it’s easy to jump ahead and think, “what happens when she leaves too?” and honestly, it’s ok to feel that fear, but try not to let the fear of the end ruin the good that’s happening now. she’s here, she’s showing up for you, she wants to be there, and even though the future is uncertain, that doesn’t make the love any less real or important right now.
if it helps, you don’t have to go through future pain alone either. when that time comes, you can talk to someone about it, even if that takes time and trust. you're not replacing anyone, you’re building something new, each time, with people who care.
also, just to say, your parents might not always get it, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to. sometimes adults just need a bit of help understanding. you might be surprised what happens if you let them see this part of you, even just a little.
you're allowed to feel deeply, to grieve connection, to want warmth, but i really hope you’ll also let yourself build something that can last in you, so that even if people move away, you still carry their love with you because you deserve that.
we are always here for you