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Comments
TW//:
I’m exhausted. Not just tired, but deeply worn out from fighting. Fighting my thoughts. My feelings. Myself. It feels like a losing battle, and honestly… I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending I’m okay.
I thought things were getting better—or at least manageable—but now I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s because I’m coming up on the one-year mark of when I made a serious attempt to leave this world. Maybe my mind remembers more than I realize. Maybe that’s why everything feels so heavy again.
There’s a part of me that wants to rewind time. Go back to the end of 2023 when things were dark, when my eating disorder had control, when the pain was buried under a carefully placed mask. When no one really knew how bad it was. And maybe that was better—maybe it hurt less pretending.
It’s hard to keep going when you feel like your existence is a burden. I keep thinking: if I could just quietly remove myself—find someone to take over at work, push people away before they get too close—maybe then it wouldn’t hurt them as much when I go. Maybe then, choosing to leave wouldn’t feel so impossible.
But even as I write this, some part of me still hopes someone hears it. That maybe, deep down, I’m still looking for a reason to stay. Because I’m scared. I’m tired. But I’m also human—and I don’t want to keep hurting like this.
Your words are so powerful, I can feel the exhaustion and intensity of what you've written. I'm sure lots of us can relate to the feeling that maybe giving in is the easier option.
We are all so glad that you are still fighting though, it takes real strength to be that exhausted and in so much pain but still face each day as it comes.