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no problem, i will. @DonnerKebab
What happened to you was definitely far from your fault, it was so wrong what happened to you, no one should sell a child ever
Then a whole string of my primary school, secondary school, college and social care system being utter wankers and denying me support outright, and even actively going against me, my grades going from best to worst over several years steadily decreasing with nobody giving a shit, and that feeling of i'm the common denominator became overwhelming. Add in depression, health anxiety so bad it caused me to wash my hands until they bled, and a complete lack of socialising outright, never having the chance to make one friend, it becomes so much. Add in my current position of getting a Stem degree yet finding the job market about as lively as a Dodo, and it gets worse.
So i think i understand a lot of what your feeling, and the rock bottom feeling you had, because my life has been a shit show to, and i've been in the same place. Perhaps not the same, but simular. When i was 17 i snapped into madness with anxiety and paranoia and then 19 fully, with a case of SH, though it was experimental in nature. That's why I've been trying to get across as much as i can to you that none of it was your fault, you didn't deserve any of it, and why you are a special person for still being so kind after all of what you've been through. Balming yourself is where i was at rock bottom too, being unable to think of myself of being worthy of being cared about.
You've been through hell too, are in a similar rock bottom place mentally, and deserve the world of kindness. And thinking you don't is exactly how i was at 19. I'm still working through it now, but yeah. It hurts to see somebody as kind as you struggling with it also. But the rock bottom isn't the end of the road, it did get slightly better and manageable for me. That's most of what i've been through. Sorry, i really have just dumped a lot haven't I?
I care about you so much and I’m so proud of you 💕
I’m on a 6 year waitlist for CAT for the trauma I’ve been through and I know things will get better after that when I can actually process it all but like fuck it’s hard some days I wish to just scream and wrip my brain and heart out, maybe you can relate to that?
And yeah, 100%, days when it's hard as fuck to deal with it all. I flip between anger and rage which scares me a bit, and just surrendering and not giving a shit anymore about anything. And the fact is, i've only been here a month. You've been here longer and have been helping people a lot more and a lot longer than me. Give yourself some credit, cause you are far more helpful and supportive to others than i've been. You are the amazing one here, which is why i always make sure to point out just how much you deserve better and keep trying to get through that none of it was ever your fault for others failing you. And about you trying to come here supporting others, you do amazingly at it. I have never once thought your coming across as rude or pushing people away. Besides, there's no rulebook for trauma is there?
As for therapy, i have an assessment coming up in a few months hopefully, and maybe they'll put me on a waitlist for CAT. By the sounds of it, i can expect to get in around the time i reach pension age in my 70's lol. But no, your way to kind about me. I care about you and am proud of you too, cause again, you are a kind and special person who deserves all the love and care in the world. I just wish you'd see that sometimes.
I think I’m gonna make a separate post about it but honestly i can be so rude and in the worst headspace on days like that some days i just wish i could scream to the staff to kick me off the mix
Before your assessment please read up about EMDR as I was due for that but honestly if I agreed to that I think it would of floored me completely it sounds like an awful therapy but they tried to convince to do it, so please please read up on it incase they mention it 💕
But yeah, it's why i'm quite stubborn trying to get across to you that being at rock bottom after so much trauma isn't the end of the road and there's still light at the end of the tunnel no matter how hopeless you feel. Sending you a virtual hug right now cause i think you need one.
Whatever you pick, i'm still proud of you, we all are, nothing will change that, but i would recommend that you should write that message, and get that help. If nothing comes of it, nothing comes of it. That's the worst case scenario, but the best case is they can offer you so much more assistance and support.
I don’t want to dump everything on my old kooth worker, we was meant to have a 3 months break but I only survived 2 then sent her a stupid crisis message like what is wrong with me
And your not failing Emma at all. She's there to help you, and support you. Bottling it all up, it hurts you over time, and isn't healthy for you, and will just materialise as other stuff down like line like worse SH urges potentially. Again, i'm not an expert so don't quote me on it at all. But she'd want to help listen to you vent and offer what support she can by the sounds of it because i think she genuinely cares about you. if i were you, i'd use these last weeks with her to get as much help and support from her as possible.
Your not stupid or wrong. You are braver than i was when I was at rock bottom.
I know that goodbyes with people for those with attachment disorders are tough, but now is the time to get that support and care that you need, if only to vent once. I'm certain that Emma will have gotten to know you enough to know when your not being you and pushing people away, I assume as a defence mechanism. I think she would understand if you tried to start pushing her away, and might be able to help you despite it. It might be worth a try. What's the worst that could happen?
The good news is you won't have to deal with that college anymore soon. And you never know. Emma might still try reaching out to you from time to time if she's concerned about your wellbeing. If your open and honest, in these last weeks instead of acting like things are fine when they aren't in front of her, then she will almost certainly offer some support in that way. But pretending things are okay might give her the wrong message that things are smooth sailing. maybe i'm wrong, but it's worth being honest with her.
On a separate note, can i ask if you managed to get something eat today? Even just a small bite at some point?
@DonnerKebab i ate a tiny bit
Now about the NHS, the fact is, we have a tax rate that nears 60% in real terms for some people. We are taxed heavily. The least they can do is provide some decent healthcare per person. It's there to be used by everybody when needed. If we were going of how the US do it, only the wealthy could get basic healthcare and the poor wouldn't be able to. The fact is, you deserve healthcare just as much as the next. What you have are serious issues that need addressing. Sure it's not a surgery or an operation of some kind. But it's still medical issues that you are entitled to get sorted. The elderly cost the most, those with illnesses cost the most. I mean, we wouldn't complain about the health costs of a cancer patient vs what they put into the system, just as we wouldn't complain about somebody with medical issues like you accessing healthcare that is paid for with taxes you earn and pay over your lifetime. That's just how it works. Nothing to be ashamed of needing help. And if we were going of only take out what you put in, the average UK citizen is a net loss on the UK governments finances. So please don't feel bad.