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Now, about the breathing and length of the panic attack, is it severe? Just in case, i just want to make sure your safe right now.
this panic attack stops for a min then reappears but i usually get this if im stressed or have a stressful situation going on.
what doesn’t help is i just got dumped bc i am apparently im up and down to much and that im a problematic person. how lovely.
this why i don’t trust nobody or try to love someone bc i love to hard and then i just get broken apart.
thanks again @DonnerKebab yeah i might not get the top 10% of men but you never know what life may bring you. who knows, maybe ill get a 6 ft man with a muscular physique and a well-paid job. but thats not my top 10%. my top 10% is someone who is family-orientated, loyal and intelligent. if they have those qualities then theyre definitely at the top of my list.
I fully understand why it would be hard to open up again, and and why your hurting so much right now, but i promise that there are people out there, who will love you and care about you, which is what you deserve. A proper partner. It's probably hard to see now, but one day, you'll have it. Loving somebody too hard, that's what the best relationships are made of.
but i think i need to start to love myself better before i can fully love someone else. bc i can’t love someone if i don’t love myself bc im the most important person. we all are
thats 100% true, you need to love yourself before you can love someone else because when you do love yourself the relationship will be healthier. at least thats what i think.
@Rose113 Well, i am 100% certain you're a great poet, so that'll explain the genuine fascination he had listening to them. A Modern day Rudyard kipling i'm guessing, if you've ever read any of his works.
thats 100% true, you need to love yourself before you can love someone else because when you do love yourself the relationship will be healthier. at least thats what i think.[/quote]
i mean it was very toxic bc of him not me so idk if loving myself will make any difference but i guess so.
You said you were in foster care. Your mother doesn't get to act that way when she wasn't present for all those years. That's her failure, not your @Rose113 . Every kid should have a parent, but not every parent should have a kid. Can i ask a quick question? How old were you when you went into foster care? You don't have to answer if you want. I don't want to be intrusive.
i mean it was very toxic bc of him not me so idk if loving myself will make any difference but i guess so.[/quote]
maybe he needs to love himself as well. well, i dont know anything about him so he could be a narcissist for all i know though.
@eylah yes 100%. You've given everybody else so much love, you've not given yourself enough of it.
I’m okay with questions about it, you can ask anything
i mean it was very toxic bc of him not me so idk if loving myself will make any difference but i guess so.[/quote]
@eylah exactly. The fact is, not all relationships work out, sometimes because the partners aren't willing to stand by the other through thick and thin. But loving and caring for yourself, nothing can change that. It's not a relationship that can break down, it's not a friend who can abandon you. It's you showing yourself the love you deserve.
If you were 1/10th as nice in that relationship as you are on boards here, then 100%, he was the one at fault. It's not only a loss for him, but a tactical nuke losing you, and he'll see it one day.
@Rose113 That just says everything we need to know about them. They are evil people based on that alone. What 3 year old deserves that? What 3 year old is as mentally broken and difficult to know as you claim you were? I'll tell you. Not a single one. It has nothing to do with you as a person, because you hadn't even developed a personality at 3, no child does, and everything to do with the fact that these people have all the moral decency of a north korean missile scientist plotting to destroy the world. They are comically evil people.
Why give a shit about these people or there opinions. Fuck them. That's all i can say about them. I know it's hard because they are bio parents, but they are the furthest thing from a mom and a dad you could ever get. All children should have parents, but not all parents should have children. And by the sounds of it, the firing squad would be too kind to those buggers. If it's any consolation, i got sold for a £2 bottle of cider aged 4 by my uncle, so i know a little about dogshit adults failing us when we were kids. Not as much as you, but enough to sympathise. Your a great person, who didn't deserve that at all.
sendings hugs
You don’t have to read!!
TW// graphic water abuse & abuse!!!
When we would have to bath she would hold us under the water which was either burning hot if we was naughty or freezing cold if we was good…
We didn’t have a cloth or a sponge we had a brush…
So that’s why I’m petrified of showers and water when it hits my face. I hate physical touch
im comfortable with hugs thankyou
im so sorry you had to go through that @Rose113 some people really are evil.
no problem
@Rose113 That doesn't mean you don't deserve one.
Think about this logically. If you blame yourself for it, then do you also blame your siblings for also going into foster care and for going through it also? I'm guessing the answer to that is no, because deep down, you know what happened wasn't your fault, or any of your faults. It was your bio mum and foster care's fault. Nothing to do with you. The cruel thing is that even now, the long term psychological damage is that sense of blaming yourself as though it was somehow your doing. It never was, and never will be. I promise you on my life, none of it was because of you. There's nothing a 3 year old could ever do to warrant such horror. This was the fault of your bio mum and foster care alone.
Words alone might not be enough to convince you, but understand this. You are a special person, a kind person, and you never deserved any of it. The reason i mentioned the stuff about me getting sold at 4 earlier is because I valued myself at that price for years on end, and only in recent times started to accept the fact that none of it was my fault. Don't get me wrong, i forgave my uncle very quickly, but blamed myself still. It took me 19 years, but i started to get there and overcome it, and i think it might take you some time, but one day, you're going to accept that the fault was never yours and that you are a very good person who deserves the world. Again, different people, different life stories and trauma's, but i think one day, your going to be able to fully accept you never deserved or caused any of it.
Sorry if any of this sounds out of line or pushy or anything.