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(Brief suicidal thoughts) not being able to prove myself kills me inside
bignosegirly0
Posts: 259 The Mix Regular
A close mutual of mine is having a party for her 21st birthday and she’s invited my family and I.
My mum doesn’t want to go because of the types of friends she has.
Some of the people that are attending includes old classmates who have bullied me and a lot of men. I wasn’t attractive growing up, and the bullying I’ve faced has left a massive inner wound which I struggle to heal.
I want to respect my mother’s decision in regards to not going to the party. And I understand the party is about my mutual, not me.
But I feel really down about the fact that I won’t be able to prove to my old bullies that I can be pretty, social and finally mean something in this world. It would heal my inner child to be called pretty by my old bullies. I hate the fact that they are forever stuck with the image of me that is ugly.
I want finally mean something in this world and receive validation. Those people have took away my self respect, and the only way to earn it back is to earn their respect.
Not to mention finally being able to get approval from men. I want to be lusted by a man so fucking badly so then I could finally have worth in life.
But because I am unable to prove myself, I will forever be remembered as that fat, ugly, autistic, weird, girl.
And if I’m unable to prove myself or receive validation from my old bullies or men in general, I am unable to make connections. I am unable to find love. And I will end up alone when I’m older. And I would be better off killing myself
My mum doesn’t want to go because of the types of friends she has.
Some of the people that are attending includes old classmates who have bullied me and a lot of men. I wasn’t attractive growing up, and the bullying I’ve faced has left a massive inner wound which I struggle to heal.
I want to respect my mother’s decision in regards to not going to the party. And I understand the party is about my mutual, not me.
But I feel really down about the fact that I won’t be able to prove to my old bullies that I can be pretty, social and finally mean something in this world. It would heal my inner child to be called pretty by my old bullies. I hate the fact that they are forever stuck with the image of me that is ugly.
I want finally mean something in this world and receive validation. Those people have took away my self respect, and the only way to earn it back is to earn their respect.
Not to mention finally being able to get approval from men. I want to be lusted by a man so fucking badly so then I could finally have worth in life.
But because I am unable to prove myself, I will forever be remembered as that fat, ugly, autistic, weird, girl.
And if I’m unable to prove myself or receive validation from my old bullies or men in general, I am unable to make connections. I am unable to find love. And I will end up alone when I’m older. And I would be better off killing myself
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Got a support helpline here for you, they're open now when I'm typing this, open 5pm till midnight everyday
Stay strong
thank you so much for sharing how you are feeling with us, that kind of vulnerability takes so much strength, especially when you’re talking about pain that runs deep and goes all the way back to childhood. i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, and i want you to know that you do not need to prove your worth to people who once made you feel small.
what they did to you, how they treated you back then, says everything about them and nothing about what you deserve in life. i completely get the craving for validation, especially from the very people who wounded you. it’s like, if they could just see you now, maybe it would undo the damage. maybe you could finally feel free? that feeling is valid, but the truth is their opinion is not the path to your healing. if anything, chasing their approval just keeps you tied to the pain they caused in a way.
you are already worth loving, you are already someone who means something in this world, not when you’re lusted after, not when you’re called pretty, not when someone from your past acknowledges your growth, but right now, as you are, and i know that might not feel true yet, but please let it sit with you.
being autistic, being different, having scars from bullying, those things don’t make you less worthy of love, connection, or happiness. they make you real. they make you someone who has survived in spite of the cruelty of others, and that’s powerful.
i know you feel like if you don’t get validation from men or from those old classmates, you’ll be alone forever, but that’s the lie pain tells you when it wants to keep you small. the truth is, real love, real friendship, and real connection come when you no longer have to perform for it, and there are people out there who will see you and love you without conditions, without you needing to “prove” you’re worthy first.
please don’t let the voices of your past be the judge of your future, and please, please don’t believe the lie that the only alternative is to end your life. you are not alone, and you are not unlovable.
if things ever get to a point where you feel like you’re in danger, please reach out - you deserve support and you deserve peace.
if you need, here are some helplines:
samaritans (24/7) - call 116123
lifeline (24/7) - call 08088088000
papyrus (24/7) - call 08000684141
inspire wellbeing (24/7) - call 08081890036
community advice and listening line (24/7) - call 0800132737
knus (24/7) - whatsapp 07700165687
mind (9am-6pm) - call 03001233393
rethink mental illness (9:30am-4pm) - call 03005000927
kooth (12pm-10pm) - webchat on website
saneline (4pm-10pm) - call 03003047000
calm (5pm-12am) - call 0800585858
suicide prevention uk (6pm-12am) - call 08005870800
kelly’s heroes (6pm-11pm) - webchat on website
sos (8pm-12am) - call 08001151505
i’m so proud of you