TW// self harm, suicide, alcohol mentions

Comments

• Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,260 Wise Owl

  May 3

  Hey @Rose113 , we're here and we're listening. From what I'm hearing, it sounds as though you're feeling a really intense wave of guilt right now perhaps, or self-blame? Feeling that urge to appologise over and over for every aspect of yourself. Calling yourself a 'mistake'. That sounds so overwhelming.
  
  Would you feel safe sharing a little bit about what's made you feel like you must say sorry today? Or that you've hurt someone or caused problems?
  
  You're doing so well to open up, and it can feel extreamly distressing when we fear that we've caused hurt to someone else, but at the same time, that doesn't invalidate your right to exist and your worthiness to be safe, to be well, and to be supported.
  

  Being hurt is normal, kindness is filled with lies and uncertainty. I only ever wanted to be loved and feel safe in my own skin but I’ve never known how, I’m sorry I overthink and I’m over sensitive so I’m sorry. I’m sorry that compliments make me feel nauseous, I’m sorry kindness makes me want to run and hide. I’m sorry that I’m broken

  
  I hear you, Rose. And just how badly you are wanting to feel and react differently here. No one ever had a right to make you feel unsafe, and it sounds like you have had to adapt to so much negative treatment in the past as a means of survival. I hear you say you feel 'broken', and that sounds so painful to think. I hear a sense of hopelessness in that, maybe? Or a fear that things might always be this way?
  
  You are so deserving of safety and healing, and you're worthy exactly as you are right now.
  
  Can I check, are you feeling physically safe right now? And how might you support yourself these next few hours to feel safe? Is there anything you can think of that might feel grounding?

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• Rose113 Community Connector Posts: 3,395 Boards Guru

  May 3 edited May 3

  Last night had nightmare after nightmare after nightmare about everything that I’d felt I’d done wrong, on the mix off the mix etc and then woke up in tears @Sian321
  
  Just hating myself a lot today and like I just need to scream that I’m sorry for being alive I had another version similar to this vent but it comes across to triggery.
  
  Mhm I’m safe, going on holiday later to my safe place where it feels like my problems are a thousand miles away.
  
  I’m very sorry for causing problems 😞

  Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.

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• Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,260 Wise Owl

  May 3

  Ah @Rose113 , that nightmare sounds like anguish. I really hear you berating yourself at the moment and how your mind is racing back over everything you feel you've done 'wrong'. It sounds like you're feeling really, really responsible, which is so hard.
  
  May I ask what you mean when you say you're going on holiday to your safe place?
  
  I hear you saying sorry, and at the same time, from where I'm standing I don't believe you are causing problems in the slightest. You are welcome here just as much as everyone else. You're doing so well to talk about this.

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• Rose113 Community Connector Posts: 3,395 Boards Guru

  May 3

  @Sian321 when I was 15 (the start of my mh problems) my mum bought a caravan which I know probably seems like it has no meaning but whenever we are there I can actually relax and it’s like all my problems go away whilst I’m there, it might just be because on the journey down I often open up to mum but idk it’s just a place that helps me so I call it my safe place

  Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.

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• Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,260 Wise Owl

  May 4

  @Rose113 , how beautiful to have that space to go to. It sounds like a real sanctuary. Have a lovely time, Rose!

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