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TW// self harm, suicide, alcohol mentions

Rose113Rose113 Community Connector Posts: 3,393 Boards Guru
in Health & Wellbeing
Why am I the one to hurt those who care most about me, maybe it’s because I believe no one cares about me ever. I’m sorry for always causing problems, I’m sorry for being me, I’m sorry for thinking I’m allowed a voice…it was a mistake…I’m a mistake. I’m sorry I make bad choices to punish myself. You can hurt me because I expect that from people, you can be kind and I’ll ask what you’re planning to do to me. Being hurt is normal, kindness is filled with lies and uncertainty. I only ever wanted to be loved and feel safe in my own skin but I’ve never known how, I’m sorry I overthink and I’m over sensitive so I’m sorry. I’m sorry that compliments make me feel nauseous, I’m sorry kindness makes me want to run and hide. I’m sorry that I’m broken

I’m sorry that I’ll beg people to scream at me, that’s what I deserve…it’s everything that I know. I’m sorry I get upset if im told no to being shouted at. Maybe I would have had a normal childhood if alcohol wasn’t chosen over me, maybe I wouldn’t have spent all my life fighting for a life I never wanted. I’m sorry I flinched so easily I’m sorry I flinch at things miles away, it’s because people’s hands have never been gentle around or on me. I’m sorry that I pick up sharps, everytime I’m upset just to punish myself for feeling that way.

I’m sorry that I’m taking up a life that someone else deserves, I’m sorry that I’ve never been successful in escaping my life , I’m sorry that I take up oxygen from those who deserve it most, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.

Comments

  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,260 Wise Owl
    Hey @Rose113 , we're here and we're listening. From what I'm hearing, it sounds as though you're feeling a really intense wave of guilt right now perhaps, or self-blame? Feeling that urge to appologise over and over for every aspect of yourself. Calling yourself a 'mistake'. That sounds so overwhelming.

    Would you feel safe sharing a little bit about what's made you feel like you must say sorry today? Or that you've hurt someone or caused problems?

    You're doing so well to open up, and it can feel extreamly distressing when we fear that we've caused hurt to someone else, but at the same time, that doesn't invalidate your right to exist and your worthiness to be safe, to be well, and to be supported.
    Being hurt is normal, kindness is filled with lies and uncertainty. I only ever wanted to be loved and feel safe in my own skin but I’ve never known how, I’m sorry I overthink and I’m over sensitive so I’m sorry. I’m sorry that compliments make me feel nauseous, I’m sorry kindness makes me want to run and hide. I’m sorry that I’m broken

    I hear you, Rose. And just how badly you are wanting to feel and react differently here. No one ever had a right to make you feel unsafe, and it sounds like you have had to adapt to so much negative treatment in the past as a means of survival. I hear you say you feel 'broken', and that sounds so painful to think. I hear a sense of hopelessness in that, maybe? Or a fear that things might always be this way?

    You are so deserving of safety and healing, and you're worthy exactly as you are right now.

    Can I check, are you feeling physically safe right now? And how might you support yourself these next few hours to feel safe? Is there anything you can think of that might feel grounding?
  • Rose113Rose113 Community Connector Posts: 3,393 Boards Guru
    edited May 3
    Last night had nightmare after nightmare after nightmare about everything that I’d felt I’d done wrong, on the mix off the mix etc and then woke up in tears @Sian321

    Just hating myself a lot today and like I just need to scream that I’m sorry for being alive :/ I had another version similar to this vent but it comes across to triggery.

    Mhm I’m safe, going on holiday later to my safe place where it feels like my problems are a thousand miles away.

    I’m very sorry for causing problems 😞
    Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,260 Wise Owl
    Ah @Rose113 , that nightmare sounds like anguish. I really hear you berating yourself at the moment and how your mind is racing back over everything you feel you've done 'wrong'. It sounds like you're feeling really, really responsible, which is so hard.

    May I ask what you mean when you say you're going on holiday to your safe place?

    I hear you saying sorry, and at the same time, from where I'm standing I don't believe you are causing problems in the slightest. You are welcome here just as much as everyone else. You're doing so well to talk about this.
  • Rose113Rose113 Community Connector Posts: 3,393 Boards Guru
    @Sian321 when I was 15 (the start of my mh problems) my mum bought a caravan which I know probably seems like it has no meaning but whenever we are there I can actually relax and it’s like all my problems go away whilst I’m there, it might just be because on the journey down I often open up to mum but idk it’s just a place that helps me so I call it my safe place :)
    Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,260 Wise Owl
    @Rose113 , how beautiful to have that space to go to. It sounds like a real sanctuary. Have a lovely time, Rose!
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