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Rant about my intrusive thoughts
Amy22
Posts: 5,141 Part of The Furniture
So I thought maybe venting about my intrusive thoughts and self destructive behaviour may help a bit, overall will it help me fully? I don't know. But lately I find my intrusive thoughts haven't been helping me at all especially to do with my self destructive behaviour. For example, I will tend to do things that will make me work 10x as harder eventhough I shoulden't do them. Like for instance recently my brain has been wanting me to press the refresh and power off button on my chromebook which turns the laptop off completely and back on again. Today I did this twice and I feel annoyed with myself. I have spoken to my mum about this recently and she said to be careful in case I lose stuff on there. I just hate myself that I do self destructive things all the time, I don't want to do them but I do sometimes and it hurts. I may have done this yesterday. I got so many silly habits recently and maybe thats because of a lack of routine and also the fact that lately I am not in employment so by not being busy my brain I guess rumminates and wants to do things. I don't know.
Just a person who likes pop culture and films
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Comments
Thank you so much for trusting us in opening up about this, and I hear you too wanting to take a risk maybe with seeing how 'venting' makes you feel. What was it like to post this message? How did it feel to put these feelings into words here?
You mentioned that recently you've been feeling pressured by intrusive thoughts in your brain to do actions that might create problems for you, like turning your laptop on and off. I noticed you said that you hate yourself for this, and that sounds extreamly hard, Amy - on the one hand feeling as though you must act on these thoughts, and at the same time, really wishing that you didn't. I can imagine that feeling like a battle sometimes, and that sounds tiring. Again, you're doing really well to talk about this.
You mentioned that sometimes you will do self-destrcuive behaviours and it hurts too. That sounds painful, Amy, and I just wanted to check how you're feeling in your body right now. Do you need any medical attention?
It's okay not to have the answers right now or to know where this rumination is coming from. I hear you saying that its been hard recently to have a lack of structure or to be unemployed, and you wonder if the lack of routine means your brain feels the urge to do things. That is valid, Amy, and we're here to explore this with you.
Can I ask, how does it feel to talk with your mum about this? And when the intrusive thoughts or impulses do arise, how does this make you feel emotionally?
What is your sense of what you might need going forwards to support yourself with this?
With lots of care,
Sian
Hi Sian thank you so much. I guess talking to my mum helps at times to be fair. I did it again today pressing the refresh and power off button on my chromebook and I thought I broke the habit almost today. My body is feeling fine at the moment apart from menstrual cramps. I think for me I post on here because I find it easier to write how I feel than to put it into words sometimes but I find communicating hard as an autistic person.
i know it probably wasn’t easy to write, but i am really proud of you for opening up. venting doesn’t always solve everything, but it does help lighten the weight a little and you absolutely deserve space to talk about what you’re going through!
what you’re describing makes a lot of sense, especially when you’re not in a routine or don’t have much to keep your mind occupied. intrusive thoughts and self destructive habits can get louder when we’re stuck in that in between space, and just so you know, you’re not at all silly, and these aren’t ‘silly habits’, they are signs your brain is trying to cope with something, even if it’s not in the healthiest way.
the fact that you don’t want to do those things, but still struggle with them, shows that you’re aware and trying, and that’s a powerful step. try not to be so hard on yourself, even when it feels frustrating. you are dealing with something that takes time, support, and a lot of self compassion.
we’re all so proud of you
Aw thank you so much @shannon_164 I really appreciate your support. I find not having that routine I guess has been making me more impulsive lately because I got so much time to think and possibly overthink things you know that I just do them I guess. I don't know how to really explain to be fair really.