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my hallucinations are coming back
PunchThe_Internet
Posts: 12 Settling in
In the past few days, I have been hallucinating again. This is a step back for me, but they're becoming more prominent in that the time span between the month(s) I hallucinate and the months I don't is getting shorter. The last I have recorded is somewhere around the middle of March. I will try and log significant occurrences so the dates of when I start and when I ends begins. Regardless, it seems the months in between my hallucinations are becoming shorter, which is a sign of regression or worsening of symptoms, in my opinion.
I've felt more depressed in the past few days, but my lack of motivation has improved now to where I am doing things. I found that making myself liable helps me to work. But I've been having a harder time focusing.
I digress. My hallucinations have been mostly visual as they always are, but there's been more auditory ones too. Most of them are not scary as of right now, but they're noticeable. They're like shadow whisps moving around. They're what I categorize as a 1-4, whereas a 5-7 is something that actually frightened me for a bit, and 8-10 are the ones that move towards me and that I freeze from. The auditory hallucinations have been less prevalent, but I sometimes hear adult male and female voices different from anyone I know and they usually speak in gibberish that I can't understand. I also hear footsteps, thuds, and other sounds of movement throughout the house.
I get paranoid and that's also been rising for me, too. I worry about everyone and their intentions. I wonder who is coming to harm me or worse. It often feels like I'm being targeted someway somehow by someone or a group of people. It often feels like there's cameras around my room or someone watching me on my computer, like the government or someone who wants to harm me.
I find it hard to discern reality from what's only in my mind since I feel disconnected. It's like I'm in a long nightmare that I'm waiting to wake up from but I can't and I don't know if I ever will. It's like I'm trapped in this other world where they linger. I'm a traveler of sorts and I've seen other travelers. I don't know if it's just in my head or not. I don't have any justification that they exist, but I also don't have any proof that they don't. I can't tell what it is. It's a nightmare, it's a simulation, it's a punishment from God because I am dirty and unworthy.
I don't know. I can't tell. Is anything I say coherent?
I've felt more depressed in the past few days, but my lack of motivation has improved now to where I am doing things. I found that making myself liable helps me to work. But I've been having a harder time focusing.
I digress. My hallucinations have been mostly visual as they always are, but there's been more auditory ones too. Most of them are not scary as of right now, but they're noticeable. They're like shadow whisps moving around. They're what I categorize as a 1-4, whereas a 5-7 is something that actually frightened me for a bit, and 8-10 are the ones that move towards me and that I freeze from. The auditory hallucinations have been less prevalent, but I sometimes hear adult male and female voices different from anyone I know and they usually speak in gibberish that I can't understand. I also hear footsteps, thuds, and other sounds of movement throughout the house.
I get paranoid and that's also been rising for me, too. I worry about everyone and their intentions. I wonder who is coming to harm me or worse. It often feels like I'm being targeted someway somehow by someone or a group of people. It often feels like there's cameras around my room or someone watching me on my computer, like the government or someone who wants to harm me.
I find it hard to discern reality from what's only in my mind since I feel disconnected. It's like I'm in a long nightmare that I'm waiting to wake up from but I can't and I don't know if I ever will. It's like I'm trapped in this other world where they linger. I'm a traveler of sorts and I've seen other travelers. I don't know if it's just in my head or not. I don't have any justification that they exist, but I also don't have any proof that they don't. I can't tell what it is. It's a nightmare, it's a simulation, it's a punishment from God because I am dirty and unworthy.
I don't know. I can't tell. Is anything I say coherent?
☆ Soren || Please don't hug me
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Comments
First of all, I want to say that this is definitely coherent and you've done so well to share all of these feelings in such a cohesive way when you have so much going on in your head right now, and it sounds like it would be emotionally draining to put this down and tell people.
What you are describing sounds so distressing and especially where you say there is no escape from it all because it's hard to tell what is real and what is not. You are so valid for struggling with this as it is not something you deserve to go through, and is something which sounds really hard to make sense of for you.
It sounds like you are quite clued up on all of this and even have your own sorting system for how distressing etc you find them, do you find that think is something that helps you make sense of it all in your own head?
I can imagine how exhausting it could be to be doubting everyone around you and their intentions, and the lack of control that could give you, does that sound right to you?
Your way of describing everything as being a traveller and seeing others is very illuminating and highlights the out of body sorts of experiences you are having, and it feels like it could be so scary and nightmare-worthy. Do you have any support system for all of this? It is a lot to be going through alone
I wonder if there is anything you can think of that triggers these spells and could explain the reason they are becoming more frequent for you?
Thank you for sharing, truly, you're doing great to keep trooping on with everything that is happening for you, and we are always happy to listen to you here at The Mix
I have a therapist I see weekly, but I don’t know what to do about the hallucinations. She speculated that they might be stress related, but I don’t think so. I feel like my stress levels have been stable and at a “normal” level. Other than that, I’m not sure. They seem to come untriggered or maybe I just don’t know what the trigger is. I really don’t know. Sometimes paranoia seems to be the trigger, but I don’t know what triggers the paranoia itself. It just happens, and I don’t know how to stop it or control it, so it ends up controlling me.
Yes, sorting and categorising thoughts and feelings helps me understand things—or at least apply some logic to things I don’t understand. It gives a sense of an answer, rather than leaving everything as simply “unknown.” But my thoughts are often scattered and disorganised. They’re all over the place, and it’s hard to focus sometimes.
Lately, I’ve been having more difficulty saying my thoughts out loud. I’ll think something clearly, but when I go to speak, it comes out wrong. I either mix up the words or swap the letters. It’s not hugely impactful in my day-to-day life, but it’s something I’ve noticed, and I feel like it’s gradually getting worse.
Anyway, as for being a “Traveller”, as I called it, it relates more to the other world. I believe there’s another world similar to ours that I somehow slip in and out of. That’s where the hallucinations are. So I’m a “Traveller” of sorts because of that. I’ve seen others- ones that don’t scare me as much. In fact, they’re almost comforting. The most recent was someone I called Muka. They had a sunflower for a head. I’ve also seen a cat with a clock for a face, named Clockswer. Both were oddly comforting, because they didn’t feel threatening. It’s as if they’re trapped in the same punishment I am.
I hope I wake up before I die. But I feel like I’ll die soon. I don’t know why. It’s like an impending doom feeling. I’m just anticipating it and praying that it won’t be excruciating, and that my soul will be forgiven. It often feels as though something bad is going to happen, but it never does. I think it’s just my anxiety.
Before we get to the rest of your post, I wanted to clarify what you meant by hoping you wake up before you die, or feeling like you'll die soon? These sound like they could be super heavy feelings to be carrying, so thank you for sharing, but we want to make sure you have physical safety despite all of this!