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my hallucinations are coming back
PunchThe_Internet
Posts: 9 Confirmed not a robot
In the past few days, I have been hallucinating again. This is a step back for me, but they're becoming more prominent in that the time span between the month(s) I hallucinate and the months I don't is getting shorter. The last I have recorded is somewhere around the middle of March. I will try and log significant occurrences so the dates of when I start and when I ends begins. Regardless, it seems the months in between my hallucinations are becoming shorter, which is a sign of regression or worsening of symptoms, in my opinion.
I've felt more depressed in the past few days, but my lack of motivation has improved now to where I am doing things. I found that making myself liable helps me to work. But I've been having a harder time focusing.
I digress. My hallucinations have been mostly visual as they always are, but there's been more auditory ones too. Most of them are not scary as of right now, but they're noticeable. They're like shadow whisps moving around. They're what I categorize as a 1-4, whereas a 5-7 is something that actually frightened me for a bit, and 8-10 are the ones that move towards me and that I freeze from. The auditory hallucinations have been less prevalent, but I sometimes hear adult male and female voices different from anyone I know and they usually speak in gibberish that I can't understand. I also hear footsteps, thuds, and other sounds of movement throughout the house.
I get paranoid and that's also been rising for me, too. I worry about everyone and their intentions. I wonder who is coming to harm me or worse. It often feels like I'm being targeted someway somehow by someone or a group of people. It often feels like there's cameras around my room or someone watching me on my computer, like the government or someone who wants to harm me.
I find it hard to discern reality from what's only in my mind since I feel disconnected. It's like I'm in a long nightmare that I'm waiting to wake up from but I can't and I don't know if I ever will. It's like I'm trapped in this other world where they linger. I'm a traveler of sorts and I've seen other travelers. I don't know if it's just in my head or not. I don't have any justification that they exist, but I also don't have any proof that they don't. I can't tell what it is. It's a nightmare, it's a simulation, it's a punishment from God because I am dirty and unworthy.
I don't know. I can't tell. Is anything I say coherent?
I've felt more depressed in the past few days, but my lack of motivation has improved now to where I am doing things. I found that making myself liable helps me to work. But I've been having a harder time focusing.
I digress. My hallucinations have been mostly visual as they always are, but there's been more auditory ones too. Most of them are not scary as of right now, but they're noticeable. They're like shadow whisps moving around. They're what I categorize as a 1-4, whereas a 5-7 is something that actually frightened me for a bit, and 8-10 are the ones that move towards me and that I freeze from. The auditory hallucinations have been less prevalent, but I sometimes hear adult male and female voices different from anyone I know and they usually speak in gibberish that I can't understand. I also hear footsteps, thuds, and other sounds of movement throughout the house.
I get paranoid and that's also been rising for me, too. I worry about everyone and their intentions. I wonder who is coming to harm me or worse. It often feels like I'm being targeted someway somehow by someone or a group of people. It often feels like there's cameras around my room or someone watching me on my computer, like the government or someone who wants to harm me.
I find it hard to discern reality from what's only in my mind since I feel disconnected. It's like I'm in a long nightmare that I'm waiting to wake up from but I can't and I don't know if I ever will. It's like I'm trapped in this other world where they linger. I'm a traveler of sorts and I've seen other travelers. I don't know if it's just in my head or not. I don't have any justification that they exist, but I also don't have any proof that they don't. I can't tell what it is. It's a nightmare, it's a simulation, it's a punishment from God because I am dirty and unworthy.
I don't know. I can't tell. Is anything I say coherent?
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Comments
First of all, I want to say that this is definitely coherent and you've done so well to share all of these feelings in such a cohesive way when you have so much going on in your head right now, and it sounds like it would be emotionally draining to put this down and tell people.
What you are describing sounds so distressing and especially where you say there is no escape from it all because it's hard to tell what is real and what is not. You are so valid for struggling with this as it is not something you deserve to go through, and is something which sounds really hard to make sense of for you.
It sounds like you are quite clued up on all of this and even have your own sorting system for how distressing etc you find them, do you find that think is something that helps you make sense of it all in your own head?
I can imagine how exhausting it could be to be doubting everyone around you and their intentions, and the lack of control that could give you, does that sound right to you?
Your way of describing everything as being a traveller and seeing others is very illuminating and highlights the out of body sorts of experiences you are having, and it feels like it could be so scary and nightmare-worthy. Do you have any support system for all of this? It is a lot to be going through alone
I wonder if there is anything you can think of that triggers these spells and could explain the reason they are becoming more frequent for you?
Thank you for sharing, truly, you're doing great to keep trooping on with everything that is happening for you, and we are always happy to listen to you here at The Mix