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Struggling to cope
Creativeboy23
Posts: 322 The Mix Regular
Hello.
My dentist mentioning that I needed to cut down my sweets yesterday. I have been considered that he likely was concerned and wanted to help me look after my teeth. However, his comment felt like a judgement about my character. It has also made me feel different and singled out. It has affected me this morning, even though I am aware that the thought is inaccurate.
The experience brought up memories of negative experiences with a crisis worker, as well as others telling me that situations that felt personal to me were not about me, without trying to understand why. It reminded of when my former friend focused on the intention behind a comment without acknowledging the impact of her words on me. She likely struggled to recognise why the comment felt negative for me at the time because she probably thought she was being helpful, but it made me feel invalidated and silenced which has had an impact on me. I logged into this discussion board to check my thread regarding the situation with my former friends, but I have still not received a response. I do acknowledge that there a high volume of threads and that people can get busy and going through their own problems, but the lack of response to my post has made me feel ignored, isolated, and unsupported.
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Comments
I know it can often feel like a more personal judgement when we get told we are doing something we shouldn’t be (in this case the dentist saying less sweets) like you recognise, it’s more likely that they tell this to most the people that come in – I know I definitely have had the same comments in the past with my sweet tooth. It is good to see that you are able to recognise the fact that there might not be the initial judgement your mind tells you there is, and are starting to challenge them. An whilst the emotional response might still be one of hurt, it shows how you are growing and over time, hopefully it becomes easier to take such comments with a pinch of salt.
I think its quite common that when someone says something that feels like a direct comment, it is natural and instinctive to have some form of emotional reaction to it, even if later down the line we realise that it wasn’t intended that way. But you are still completely valid in whatever emotional response you have to things. It is your feelings and no one can tell you how you should and shouldn’t feel.
In a similar way to how you had the disagreement with your former friend. Whilst it appears they didn’t mean harm by the words they said, claiming to have had ‘good intentions’, it is still okay for the words to hurt in the moment and thereafter. We all have different brains that process and take in information in various ways, so whilst they may have thought they didn’t do anything wrong, you are also perfectly justified to still hold feelings of hurt about it if that is the response it caused in you.
Also sorry to hear that your other thread got ignored. I don’t think anyone on here wants you to feel ignored or unsupported. I know I certainly don’t. I haven’t been on here as frequently recently, other than a few quick 5 minutes here and there, so I’ve probably missed your post. If you’d still like, I can try and find it and respond to it.
sending hugs,
Sinead
Hello @sinead276.
Well said. Thank you for your support.
Yes please. I would like that. Thank you for offering to respond to my post as well. You can find it here.
https://community.themix.org.uk/discussion/3606468/struggling-to-cope-with-the-aftermath-of-ending-some-friendships#latest
I hear you, and reading through this, it feels entirely valid that the dentist's words had left you feeling judged, even if perhaps, that had not been your dentist's original intention. Those feelings of being judged, and the shame and self-consciousness that comes with that, are still entirely valid and real, and it sounded really hard to feel that.
There can be something very vulnerable-making about attending appointments like that sometimes with healthcare professionals, and being told about things we 'should' or 'should not' be doing from their perspective. As you said, it can leave you feeling 'called-out' or 'singled-out', as though you're 'different' and have been 'wrong' somehow. And that's vulnerable. That's can feel quite judgemental. And you're doing really well to have talked about this.
How have you been feeling the last few weeks since this happened?
Hello @Sian321,
Since my experience, I have been a bit self conscious about my sugar. Also, the dentist’s comment has sometimes been resurfacing, reinforcing the feeling of a personal judgement, and has been feeling like an oversimplification of a more complex issue. However, it has not been affecting me as bad as it was before. I have definitely done well to talk about it. It shows my continuous proactiveness in taking care of my wellbeing. I have also done a great job in acting on the feedback, even though it upset me.
It is valid for the comment to make me feel how it did even if it was well intentioned and has been difficult to feel. An healthcare professional’s advice can be difficult to hear sometimes, so it absolutely can be vulnerable-making.
I have not been great today but it is a separate issue from the dentist’s comment. I have been struggling with my self-worth and some other situations have been upsetting me. It has been difficult to process how I have been feeling because I have been told to let some things go. While likely well-intentioned, it interrupted my way of processing my emotions.
Thank you for your support. Much appreciated.
You mentioned struggling more broadly with self-worth, which sounds really tough. I wondered if it would feel helpful to share more here, or in a new thread? You'd be very welcome to and we're all here to support you.
Happy Easter @Sian321.
No problem.
Yes. That is correct. I will share more about my self-worth.
Thank you.