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I have been struggling again
Creativeboy23
Posts: 316 The Mix Regular
I want to feel heard. I recognise that everyone involved has valid feelings. I am not looking for alternative perspectives.
Hello all.
A month after my friends excluded me from their group following a disagreement about a ‘chin-up’ remark, one of them contacted me to try to reconnect. I told them that how I was excluded deeply hurt me. I understand my message might have been misinterpreted over text, but I intended to convey that the comment was not helpful to me and not to cause pain. I know she was being supportive and wanted me to be happy. I explained this to both her and him, but I felt unheard. I apologised for upsetting her and making them feel like I had to walk on eggshells around them, and I stressed that I never wanted them to feel that way. However, I also explained that sensitivity is a part of who I am, and I can only do my best to manage it.
They told me they all wanted me back in the group but asked me to avoid phrases like "That comment was not helpful" or "You're not validating my feelings," as they made some members uncomfortable. I internalised the crisis intervention worker mentioning compromise and saying it can be easy to focus on our feelings first, but we must consider others’ feelings. It has made me question how I have expressed my feelings. So, I felt compelled to accept what they said. It is like I have to think more about how my friends feel, even when I feel my emotions. I feel like I will be apologising for how I feel.
I told him removing me from the group wasn't the right way to handle the situation. He excused what he did, explaining that he was worried about her, as my messages asking for an apology for her "chin up" comment and suggesting she see things my way had deeply upset her. I never said she should see things my way and never asked her to apologise for her comment. I wanted her to acknowledge how her comment made me feel instead of focusing on her intent. He said what I said was the sole reason for my removal. He recognised that I felt invalidated but suggested I should have just thanked her, as she was kind. I admitted I forgot to thank her, though I did acknowledge her supportive intentions directly. Then, he said my "it made me feel invalidated" statement was unnecessary, as she felt immense guilt and didn't understand what she had done wrong.”
I have met them halfway, but they have not made any effort to reciprocate. They have not acknowledged how the comment and excluding me from the group made me feel. They have only focused on the impact of my words on one of them, and their comments seemed to have implied that I should suppress my feelings to comfort them.
Hello all.
A month after my friends excluded me from their group following a disagreement about a ‘chin-up’ remark, one of them contacted me to try to reconnect. I told them that how I was excluded deeply hurt me. I understand my message might have been misinterpreted over text, but I intended to convey that the comment was not helpful to me and not to cause pain. I know she was being supportive and wanted me to be happy. I explained this to both her and him, but I felt unheard. I apologised for upsetting her and making them feel like I had to walk on eggshells around them, and I stressed that I never wanted them to feel that way. However, I also explained that sensitivity is a part of who I am, and I can only do my best to manage it.
They told me they all wanted me back in the group but asked me to avoid phrases like "That comment was not helpful" or "You're not validating my feelings," as they made some members uncomfortable. I internalised the crisis intervention worker mentioning compromise and saying it can be easy to focus on our feelings first, but we must consider others’ feelings. It has made me question how I have expressed my feelings. So, I felt compelled to accept what they said. It is like I have to think more about how my friends feel, even when I feel my emotions. I feel like I will be apologising for how I feel.
I told him removing me from the group wasn't the right way to handle the situation. He excused what he did, explaining that he was worried about her, as my messages asking for an apology for her "chin up" comment and suggesting she see things my way had deeply upset her. I never said she should see things my way and never asked her to apologise for her comment. I wanted her to acknowledge how her comment made me feel instead of focusing on her intent. He said what I said was the sole reason for my removal. He recognised that I felt invalidated but suggested I should have just thanked her, as she was kind. I admitted I forgot to thank her, though I did acknowledge her supportive intentions directly. Then, he said my "it made me feel invalidated" statement was unnecessary, as she felt immense guilt and didn't understand what she had done wrong.”
I have met them halfway, but they have not made any effort to reciprocate. They have not acknowledged how the comment and excluding me from the group made me feel. They have only focused on the impact of my words on one of them, and their comments seemed to have implied that I should suppress my feelings to comfort them.
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What I'm hearing you say is that a friend within the group had sent you a comment saying 'chin-up' following a disagreement, which ultimately felt invalidating and perhaps triviliasing of your feelings. Off the back of this, you had then explained to your friends how this 'chin up' comment impacted you, and you wished for your friend to acknowledge your feelings here. Instead though, it sounds as though your friend focused on trying to explain / justify what she had intended when she said 'chin up' (to make you feel happier), and again, this left you feeling like your emotions had gone unheard again, because while you understood she had wanted to help you feel happier, the comment had in fact had the opposite effect. Have I been following correctly here?
And then, your friends excluded you from the group and this felt deeply, deeply hurtful. I hear you, @Creativeboy23 , and it sounds really confusing and lonely too to be cut off from the group when in actuality what you'd really been wanting was more closeness and understanding from them around your feelings. You didn't intend to make your friend feel guilty, or to make anyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells. Rather, you had been trying to ask them to listen closely to your feelings and to hear you and to empathise. That makes sense.
Then finally, what I'm hearing you say is that your friends have asked you to return to the group, but to avoid using phrases with them like "That comment was not helpful" or "You're not validating my feelings." Because you remembered what your crisis intervention worker mentioned, you then decided to compromise and agreed to this, but now you're not too sure, and you're worried that you might be in situations in the future where you feel like you have to appologise for your own emotions. That sounds really tricky, @Creativeboy23 , and I can hear how you might feel stuck here or unsure where to go from here.
May I ask, what do you feel you'd ideally like to happen next in your situation? What would an ideal situation within your friendship group look like?
We're here and we're listening
Hello @Sian321,
Yes. You have been following correctly.
I know you were being helpful and were likely trying to encourage self-reflection. Thank you. I appreciate that. However, others have asked me the same question. It has made me feel like the responsibility is solely on me to repair the friendship, while my friends avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
You are mistaken. I am concerned that I will constantly feel pressured to suppress my feelings, fearing they will perceive me as oversensitive, causing further invalidation. It is unfair that they can express their feelings freely, but I cannot. I am not willing to be the only one who compromises, accept double standards, and then they can brush aside their actions without taking any responsibility. That is not right. I am not stuck anymore. I do not want to reconnect with them. I do not think it will be a healthy friendship if they do not want me to express my feelings. Making new friends who will allow me to feel my feelings will be better.
At the same time, I really hear what you're saying too about how you were concerned that your old friends might make you feel constantly pressured to suppress your feelings, fearing they will percieve you as oversensitive. That sounds really hard and stressful, and you are absolutely correct that the responsbility for a friendship should not fall entirely onto you.
Thank you for expressing your feelings here, and we're really glad to be able to listen and to be here alongside you
Hello @Sian321,
Yes. I do. It was really hard and stressful.
No problem. Thank you for listening and supporting me through this experience.
@Sian321 I do not seem to have reached a mutual understanding with my friends. My friend who intervened in my conflict with the other friend recently told me he thought a simple "thank you" would have been sufficient. He believed my reaction caused unnecessary trouble and made her feel wrongly accused. He expressed that he thought the comment was a supportive gesture. He acknowledged that I might disagree and that he was not saying I was wrong but offering his perspective as advice. I understand he likely expressed his disappointment in the conflict that was arising, and he tried to help me understand how he feels the disagreement could have been avoided.
However, it seemed as though he asked me not to feel invalidated so the conflict would not happen.
My other friend insisted she was not trying to force positivity on me. She said she felt pressured to apologise, even though she did not believe she did anything wrong. She acknowledged that my reaction might be related to your autism. She admits to misinterpreting situations. She recognised that she can sometimes misunderstand things. She said they want to support me and see you happy. She expressed a longing for how I used to be, that they do in fact validate your feelings, and that she felt guilt, and could not help how she felt. It is possible that I came across as manipulating her into apologising for her comment. She was focussed on providing emotional support and struggled to see my perspective, and I was expecting her to see my perspective quickly because her comment upset me. She probably used the “old version of you” comment to express that she was longing for our past friendship. It was nice of my friends to reach out.
However, I felt more invalidated when she still focussed on intending to help when she said the comment rather than the impact of her words. I felt she forced me to find the remark supportive because it was well-intentioned. It felt like both of my friends have spoken to me like they are innocent. One of them told me that the old version of me was missed which has made me feel isolated, patronised, and blamed for the conflict. The comment implies the current version of me is a problem.
i know you posted this a few days ago now though i hadn’t been on boards much recently so only seeing posts now.
it sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into this situation and have really tried to approach it with understanding and compromise. it’s completely valid to want your feelings to be acknowledged, especially when you’ve made the effort to acknowledge theirs.
from what you’re saying, it seems like the focus has been on how your words impacted them, without much recognition of how their actions, both the comment and the exclusion, affected you. that imbalance isn’t fair, and you shouldn’t have to suppress your feelings just to keep the peace. healthy friendships should allow space for everyone’s emotions, not just those of the majority.
if you feel like you’re the only one bending in this situation, is it maybe worth asking whether returning to the group would actually feel safe and supportive for you? you deserve friendships where your feelings are respected, not just tolerated.
i’m really sorry this has been so difficult, and we’re all here for you! i’m so proud of you for dealing with so much
Hello @shannon_164,
Well said. Yes. That is exactly it. I have taken the time to empathise with them but it has not been reciprocated.
I have already answered that question. I do not want to reconnect with my friends but it is taking time to take the step to share this with them because the imbalance has been upsetting me. I know there is no pressure to do it right now.
Thank you for reaching out and offering support.