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I have been struggling again
Creativeboy23
Posts: 303 The Mix Regular
I want to feel heard. I recognise that everyone involved has valid feelings. I am not looking for alternative perspectives.
Hello all.
A month after my friends excluded me from their group following a disagreement about a ‘chin-up’ remark, one of them contacted me to try to reconnect. I told them that how I was excluded deeply hurt me. I understand my message might have been misinterpreted over text, but I intended to convey that the comment was not helpful to me and not to cause pain. I know she was being supportive and wanted me to be happy. I explained this to both her and him, but I felt unheard. I apologised for upsetting her and making them feel like I had to walk on eggshells around them, and I stressed that I never wanted them to feel that way. However, I also explained that sensitivity is a part of who I am, and I can only do my best to manage it.
They told me they all wanted me back in the group but asked me to avoid phrases like "That comment was not helpful" or "You're not validating my feelings," as they made some members uncomfortable. I internalised the crisis intervention worker mentioning compromise and saying it can be easy to focus on our feelings first, but we must consider others’ feelings. It has made me question how I have expressed my feelings. So, I felt compelled to accept what they said. It is like I have to think more about how my friends feel, even when I feel my emotions. I feel like I will be apologising for how I feel.
I told him removing me from the group wasn't the right way to handle the situation. He excused what he did, explaining that he was worried about her, as my messages asking for an apology for her "chin up" comment and suggesting she see things my way had deeply upset her. I never said she should see things my way and never asked her to apologise for her comment. I wanted her to acknowledge how her comment made me feel instead of focusing on her intent. He said what I said was the sole reason for my removal. He recognised that I felt invalidated but suggested I should have just thanked her, as she was kind. I admitted I forgot to thank her, though I did acknowledge her supportive intentions directly. Then, he said my "it made me feel invalidated" statement was unnecessary, as she felt immense guilt and didn't understand what she had done wrong.”
I have met them halfway, but they have not made any effort to reciprocate. They have not acknowledged how the comment and excluding me from the group made me feel. They have only focused on the impact of my words on one of them, and their comments seemed to have implied that I should suppress my feelings to comfort them.
Hello all.
A month after my friends excluded me from their group following a disagreement about a ‘chin-up’ remark, one of them contacted me to try to reconnect. I told them that how I was excluded deeply hurt me. I understand my message might have been misinterpreted over text, but I intended to convey that the comment was not helpful to me and not to cause pain. I know she was being supportive and wanted me to be happy. I explained this to both her and him, but I felt unheard. I apologised for upsetting her and making them feel like I had to walk on eggshells around them, and I stressed that I never wanted them to feel that way. However, I also explained that sensitivity is a part of who I am, and I can only do my best to manage it.
They told me they all wanted me back in the group but asked me to avoid phrases like "That comment was not helpful" or "You're not validating my feelings," as they made some members uncomfortable. I internalised the crisis intervention worker mentioning compromise and saying it can be easy to focus on our feelings first, but we must consider others’ feelings. It has made me question how I have expressed my feelings. So, I felt compelled to accept what they said. It is like I have to think more about how my friends feel, even when I feel my emotions. I feel like I will be apologising for how I feel.
I told him removing me from the group wasn't the right way to handle the situation. He excused what he did, explaining that he was worried about her, as my messages asking for an apology for her "chin up" comment and suggesting she see things my way had deeply upset her. I never said she should see things my way and never asked her to apologise for her comment. I wanted her to acknowledge how her comment made me feel instead of focusing on her intent. He said what I said was the sole reason for my removal. He recognised that I felt invalidated but suggested I should have just thanked her, as she was kind. I admitted I forgot to thank her, though I did acknowledge her supportive intentions directly. Then, he said my "it made me feel invalidated" statement was unnecessary, as she felt immense guilt and didn't understand what she had done wrong.”
I have met them halfway, but they have not made any effort to reciprocate. They have not acknowledged how the comment and excluding me from the group made me feel. They have only focused on the impact of my words on one of them, and their comments seemed to have implied that I should suppress my feelings to comfort them.
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Comments
What I'm hearing you say is that a friend within the group had sent you a comment saying 'chin-up' following a disagreement, which ultimately felt invalidating and perhaps triviliasing of your feelings. Off the back of this, you had then explained to your friends how this 'chin up' comment impacted you, and you wished for your friend to acknowledge your feelings here. Instead though, it sounds as though your friend focused on trying to explain / justify what she had intended when she said 'chin up' (to make you feel happier), and again, this left you feeling like your emotions had gone unheard again, because while you understood she had wanted to help you feel happier, the comment had in fact had the opposite effect. Have I been following correctly here?
And then, your friends excluded you from the group and this felt deeply, deeply hurtful. I hear you, @Creativeboy23 , and it sounds really confusing and lonely too to be cut off from the group when in actuality what you'd really been wanting was more closeness and understanding from them around your feelings. You didn't intend to make your friend feel guilty, or to make anyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells. Rather, you had been trying to ask them to listen closely to your feelings and to hear you and to empathise. That makes sense.
Then finally, what I'm hearing you say is that your friends have asked you to return to the group, but to avoid using phrases with them like "That comment was not helpful" or "You're not validating my feelings." Because you remembered what your crisis intervention worker mentioned, you then decided to compromise and agreed to this, but now you're not too sure, and you're worried that you might be in situations in the future where you feel like you have to appologise for your own emotions. That sounds really tricky, @Creativeboy23 , and I can hear how you might feel stuck here or unsure where to go from here.
May I ask, what do you feel you'd ideally like to happen next in your situation? What would an ideal situation within your friendship group look like?
We're here and we're listening
Hello @Sian321,
Yes. You have been following correctly.
I know you were being helpful and were likely trying to encourage self-reflection. Thank you. I appreciate that. However, others have asked me the same question. It has made me feel like the responsibility is solely on me to repair the friendship, while my friends avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
You are mistaken. I am concerned that I will constantly feel pressured to suppress my feelings, fearing they will perceive me as oversensitive, causing further invalidation. It is unfair that they can express their feelings freely, but I cannot. I am not willing to be the only one who compromises, accept double standards, and then they can brush aside their actions without taking any responsibility. That is not right. I am not stuck anymore. I do not want to reconnect with them. I do not think it will be a healthy friendship if they do not want me to express my feelings. Making new friends who will allow me to feel my feelings will be better.