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Comparing myself to others
TheNightmare
Posts: 3,160 Boards Guru
I constantly compare myself to people my age because I feel so behind. Others are getting engaged, graduating, and securing good jobs, while I have never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never been to university, do not even have my basic high school qualifications, never had a proper job, and have no income. I do not mind not being at university or married yet, but I do wish I had a job by now and maybe even a girlfriend. It probably would have helped me. I want a proper income with good savings, and it is getting to me that I do not have these things yet. I worry every day if they will ever happen. While people my age seem happy and enjoying life, I am just stressed, unhappy, and sometimes ashamed of myself. I tell people I am looking for work, which does not sound too bad, but it has been so long now that it just looks like I am not doing anything, like I am intentionally unemployed. I know I should not care what people think, but I do a lot. Luckily, I do not get judged much, but if someone did, especially someone doing well, it would really get to me and make me feel like shit. Sometimes I see someone I went to school with on social media and think what would they think of me. I feel like some people would laugh at me if they knew my situation.
Life is not straightforward, it is fucking tough, struggling and exhausting. Long term it has just been eating me up and it is going to continue. I do not get jealous because I know I will get certain things. I am not going to be out of work for life, it is too unrealistic. If I want other things enough, I know I will get them, but sometimes I feel negative and dwell on setbacks. I struggle to move past them and they affect my mindset, and I need to stop thinking about them. I am already a negative person, but these setbacks have made me even more negative, and I feel like I am the only one who has had them. It is not just certain people I compare myself to, I feel inferior to everyone because most people work and having a job is important. People my age are having kids or getting ready to start families, while I still need support myself with tasks. I just wonder, will I ever get to a point where I feel happier or satisfied with life? I want to do well and I am determined. I know things can change fast and other people’s situations are not always what they seem, but I should not rely on that to feel better. It should be good to see people doing well, and it is, but I just want to do well too.
The next steps for my wellbeing and mental health are to secure a paid role, which I need anyway and will help a lot, and to get some therapy like CBT or whatever is suitable. I have struggled to push myself to do therapy for years, I have accepted on and off that I need it but keep putting it off. It might sound like I am making excuses, but I am not, it is hard. I am genuinely trying to get into work, it is clear now, but I want to see real changes. Getting a job will change a lot of things I am unhappy with. I think therapy could help with other things too, but being out of work long term is likely to make most people feel down. I just feel a bit like crying with everything going on, and apart from here, I feel a bit alone. I am just grateful I have here where I can share how I feel every day and express my true feelings in detail. I am not judged here, and it is a special, rare, and tailored place for people struggling. I am also grateful that the community is very much here for me for a while because I am nowhere near ready to finish off yet, and I do hope that when that time eventually comes, I am ready. People say good things to me sometimes, but I find it hard to take in. Good things happen too, but I just feel like it’s not good enough and often compare them to others' achievements, wondering how I got here and how they got there.
Life is not straightforward, it is fucking tough, struggling and exhausting. Long term it has just been eating me up and it is going to continue. I do not get jealous because I know I will get certain things. I am not going to be out of work for life, it is too unrealistic. If I want other things enough, I know I will get them, but sometimes I feel negative and dwell on setbacks. I struggle to move past them and they affect my mindset, and I need to stop thinking about them. I am already a negative person, but these setbacks have made me even more negative, and I feel like I am the only one who has had them. It is not just certain people I compare myself to, I feel inferior to everyone because most people work and having a job is important. People my age are having kids or getting ready to start families, while I still need support myself with tasks. I just wonder, will I ever get to a point where I feel happier or satisfied with life? I want to do well and I am determined. I know things can change fast and other people’s situations are not always what they seem, but I should not rely on that to feel better. It should be good to see people doing well, and it is, but I just want to do well too.
The next steps for my wellbeing and mental health are to secure a paid role, which I need anyway and will help a lot, and to get some therapy like CBT or whatever is suitable. I have struggled to push myself to do therapy for years, I have accepted on and off that I need it but keep putting it off. It might sound like I am making excuses, but I am not, it is hard. I am genuinely trying to get into work, it is clear now, but I want to see real changes. Getting a job will change a lot of things I am unhappy with. I think therapy could help with other things too, but being out of work long term is likely to make most people feel down. I just feel a bit like crying with everything going on, and apart from here, I feel a bit alone. I am just grateful I have here where I can share how I feel every day and express my true feelings in detail. I am not judged here, and it is a special, rare, and tailored place for people struggling. I am also grateful that the community is very much here for me for a while because I am nowhere near ready to finish off yet, and I do hope that when that time eventually comes, I am ready. People say good things to me sometimes, but I find it hard to take in. Good things happen too, but I just feel like it’s not good enough and often compare them to others' achievements, wondering how I got here and how they got there.
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Comments
It's particularly tough when you feel like you're falling behind your peers, seeing them achieve things you've been working hard towards and it's natural to feel frustrated and discouraged when you're working hard to find a job and it's not happening as quickly as you'd like. The fact that you're actively looking and determined to change your situation speaks volumes about who you are, @TheNightmare . Try to remember that your current situation doesn't define your worth as a person. You have value and potential regardless of where you are in your career or relationship journey
You mentioned that you're not necessarily bothered about marriage or university right now, but that a job and a girlfriend would make a big difference. It's okay to prioritise what's important to you and makes sense to feel the desire for connection and stability. These are valid human needs which you deserve too.
I'm really hearing that your self esteem might have been knocked over the last year- does this feel accurate for me to assume? Comparing yourself to others, feeling upset by setbacks, and feeling inferior to other people in your life- it sounds like things are feeling really hard lately. Negative thoughts about ourselves can be a vicious cycle but you've already identified two key steps: securing a job and seeking therapy. Both of these are incredibly positive and proactive, two things which are not easy to achieve when you are feeling this consumed by the things happening in your life.
You've acknowledged that you've been putting it off therapy off, and that's okay. It's a big step, and it's understandable to feel hesitant. But you also recognise that you need it, and that's a huge step in itself. Therapy, particularly CBT, can help you challenge those negative thoughts and build self-esteem. You can refer yourself to a CBT waiting list through the NHS which may be a good place to start- would you feel comfy contacting your doctor about this?
You mentioned feeling alone, and that's incredibly difficult. It's wonderful that you have this space to express yourself without judgment, I would agree that this community is incredibly special. Sharing your feelings is so important, and it's a testament to your self-awareness that you recognise the value of this support.
You're determined @TheNightmare , and that's a powerful quality. Hold onto that determination. Things can and will change. It might not happen overnight, but we know you can create a life that feels meaningful and satisfying. Be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and celebrate small victories. Remember that your worth is not defined by external achievements. You are worthy of happiness and fulfillment, and you have the strength within you to pursue it.
Hey @ella Thanks so much for your thoughtful and encouraging message, I truly appreciate the time and care you put into understanding how I’m feeling. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in these struggles and you’re right that my self-esteem has taken a big hit over the past year, especially with comparing myself to others. I do feel a bit more comfortable than I was, which is something, but unfortunately I still don’t feel comfortable talking to a doctor right now. I know it could help but I just can’t push myself to take that step yet. Your support means a lot and I’m grateful for this space to be open. Thank you for reminding me that things can change even if it takes time and I’ll keep trying even if it’s in small steps for now.