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Another one of my pathetic rants ๐
River
Community Connector Posts: 4,816 The Mix Elder
Iโm so tired of living in a world that I just donโt belong in it feels like Iโm being held captive in such a painful world and I hate it so much. Every night I have a repeat of self harm and then staying up for hours unable to sleep because my head wonโt shut upโฆ
TW// details ish of self harm
All I think about is the same thing over and over and itโs ruining me I canโt just think of something else for 2 seconds without sh being screamed at me over and over in my head. My head never shuts up.
My emotions are all over the place too and sometimes they get really like extreme like one minute Iโll be okay and the next Iโll be having thought of not wanting to be here or to SH and I donโt know why itโs happening but it wonโt stop and even after Iโve relapsed it doesnโt stop
I know Iโve just got to push through until the 24th January but it feels ages away and I hate that Iโve got to not let myself drown in my mental health problems until I can speak to a doctor but honestly itโs so difficult ๐ฃ
I have college on Monday which Iโm so glad about because at least I can talk to Emma even though I know sheโs gonna be so ashamed of what Iโve done over the holidays
TW// details ish of self harm
Yesterday I showered and the sh injuries I already had, had practically gone so of course that triggered me to want to do it again in that same please and I tried to hold off as much as I could but I failed and ended up relapsing
All I think about is the same thing over and over and itโs ruining me I canโt just think of something else for 2 seconds without sh being screamed at me over and over in my head. My head never shuts up.
My emotions are all over the place too and sometimes they get really like extreme like one minute Iโll be okay and the next Iโll be having thought of not wanting to be here or to SH and I donโt know why itโs happening but it wonโt stop and even after Iโve relapsed it doesnโt stop
I know Iโve just got to push through until the 24th January but it feels ages away and I hate that Iโve got to not let myself drown in my mental health problems until I can speak to a doctor but honestly itโs so difficult ๐ฃ
I have college on Monday which Iโm so glad about because at least I can talk to Emma even though I know sheโs gonna be so ashamed of what Iโve done over the holidays
โจ โ ๐ถ๐ ๐ท๐๐ถ๐โฏ. โ ๐ถ๐ ๐ท๐๐๐พ๐โฏ๐น. โ ๐ถ๐ ๐๐ฝโด ๐พ๐ ๐โฏ๐ถ๐๐ ๐โด ๐ทโฏ โจ
โจ ๐ฏโโ๐ฎ โ๐ฎ โณโฐ โจ
โจ ๐ฏโโ๐ฎ โ๐ฎ โณโฐ โจ
4
Comments
Talking with Emma sounds so positive, though I hear that you feel worried about what she'll think. You're doing your very best to cope, and you deserve to be listened to with empathy and understanding. It is also great to hear your doctor's appointment is on the horizon too, and it feels like you've been working so hard to organise this support for yourself and to hold on till then. If you do feel like you are drowning at any point before that appointment, please know you don't have to suffer with this alone. The following services are here for you:
https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/crisis-messenger
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
In some of the hardest moments, has there been anything or anyone that has helped you to ride the wave of your urge to relapse, or that acts as a comforting distraction? I know for me for example stamping my feet or shaking my fists downwards into the air has helped me to move through those feelings before. Allowing myself to cry to express those feelings, or having a comforting 'vlog' on on YouTube so I feel like I have company has also helped.
The following resources might also be useful specifically around self-harm or mental chatter at nighttime.....
https://www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/myself/exploring-your-mental-health/self-harm/managing-your-urges-to-self-harm/
There is a free mobile app called Calm Harm. You can get it on the App Store (Apple) or Google Play (Andorid). The app is designed to prevent people from urges to self-harm using these activities: Comfort, Distract, Express Yourself, Release, Random and Breathe. You can find out more about it on https://calmharm.co.uk/
There are some websites you may like to look at to support you around self-harming. They are:
https://www.nshn.co.uk/
https://www.recoveryourlife.com/
https://www.selfharm.co.uk/
https://harmless.org.uk/
You can also check out our articles on our website: https://www.themix.org.uk/search/self+harm
We're here too, @Rose113 , and please keep posting whenever you wish. What you're feeling is not pathetic, it's extreamly tough. And we're listening
Nothing helps anymore, Iโm just broken and slowly letting myself drown in the thoughts
โจ ๐ฏโโ๐ฎ โ๐ฎ โณโฐ โจ