Another one of my pathetic rants 🙃

Rose113

I’m so tired of living in a world that I just don’t belong in it feels like I’m being held captive in such a painful world and I hate it so much. Every night I have a repeat of self harm and then staying up for hours unable to sleep because my head won’t shut up…

TW// details ish of self harm

Yesterday I showered and the sh injuries I already had, had practically gone so of course that triggered me to want to do it again in that same please and I tried to hold off as much as I could but I failed and ended up relapsing

All I think about is the same thing over and over and it’s ruining me I can’t just think of something else for 2 seconds without sh being screamed at me over and over in my head. My head never shuts up.

My emotions are all over the place too and sometimes they get really like extreme like one minute I’ll be okay and the next I’ll be having thought of not wanting to be here or to SH and I don’t know why it’s happening but it won’t stop and even after I’ve relapsed it doesn’t stop

I know I’ve just got to push through until the 24th January but it feels ages away and I hate that I’ve got to not let myself drown in my mental health problems until I can speak to a doctor but honestly it’s so difficult 😣

I have college on Monday which I’m so glad about because at least I can talk to Emma even though I know she’s gonna be so ashamed of what I’ve done over the holidays

Sian321

Hey @Rose113 , thank you for speaking about this, and I can hear just how relentless those thoughts of SH or not wanting to be here are right now. I have coped with repetitive thoughts/urges myself in the past, and I know it can be totally exhausting when all you want is for that 'chatter' to stop, but it's like there are triggers and reminders everywhere.

Talking with Emma sounds so positive, though I hear that you feel worried about what she'll think. You're doing your very best to cope, and you deserve to be listened to with empathy and understanding. It is also great to hear your doctor's appointment is on the horizon too, and it feels like you've been working so hard to organise this support for yourself and to hold on till then. If you do feel like you are drowning at any point before that appointment, please know you don't have to suffer with this alone. The following services are here for you:

NHS local urgent helplines. www.nhs.uk/service-search/mentalhealth/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline.

https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/crisis-messenger

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

In some of the hardest moments, has there been anything or anyone that has helped you to ride the wave of your urge to relapse, or that acts as a comforting distraction? I know for me for example stamping my feet or shaking my fists downwards into the air has helped me to move through those feelings before. Allowing myself to cry to express those feelings, or having a comforting 'vlog' on on YouTube so I feel like I have company has also helped.

The following resources might also be useful specifically around self-harm or mental chatter at nighttime.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Co5D1i9vdM&t=34s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft-vhYwHzxw

https://www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/myself/exploring-your-mental-health/self-harm/managing-your-urges-to-self-harm/

There is a free mobile app called Calm Harm. You can get it on the App Store (Apple) or Google Play (Andorid). The app is designed to prevent people from urges to self-harm using these activities: Comfort, Distract, Express Yourself, Release, Random and Breathe. You can find out more about it on https://calmharm.co.uk/

There are some websites you may like to look at to support you around self-harming. They are:
https://www.nshn.co.uk/
https://www.recoveryourlife.com/
https://www.selfharm.co.uk/
https://harmless.org.uk/

You can also check out our articles on our website: https://www.themix.org.uk/search/self+harm

We're here too, @Rose113 , and please keep posting whenever you wish. What you're feeling is not pathetic, it's extreamly tough. And we're listening

Rose113

@Sian321

Nothing helps anymore, I’m just broken and slowly letting myself drown in the thoughts

shannon_164

@Rose113 i just want to say your rants are never ever pathetic - how you feel is so so valid and we all care about you!! sending so much love your way, here for you always🩷