If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
How I am at the moment - feeling low TW
Chloe234
Community Champion Posts: 3,736 Community Veteran
Im at the lowest point i have been for a while. Im trying every day to try and get past it but it doesnt feel like anything can get me out of how im feeling at the moment. Its like a suffocating darkness which is blanketed over me. And it doesnt feel like im gonna get past feeling this way.
Everything has just built up, christmas, grief, my "friend" and i just hate it. Christmas was awful, i was so so low and every little thing got to me about it. I didnt want to get out of bed so I prolonged it as long as i could, yet all i got was my family complaining at me. I did a single thing wrong like accidentally spill my sisters coffee and suddenly its the end of the world and im just so stupid. And not only to mention going to the graveyard was so so hard. We havent been up in ages and it was just so awful.
If my stepmom saw me today she would be so ashamed at what i am now. Im a mess. And im honestly barely hanging on. Not to mention how much i miss my aunt too, it was the first christmas without her and although in the past we havent done anything with her to celebrate, just knowing she wasnt here, alive, was so painful. And ontop of that im just a horrible person because i should miss my nan too but i just dont feel anything around that. I guess it felt like we lost her when she got dementia.
Everything with who i thought was my best friend is just circling in my head too. Shes been a horrible friend for ages, especially since september starting college when she got all her amazing new friends and her massive friend group. But she just threw me aside like i was nothing. Like everything i did for her was nothing. I was there when she needed me the most but she wasnt there when i needed her. I sent her messages about it and all i would get as a reply was "im sorry i didnt mean for you to feel that way, ill do better" but she just got worse. And then when i sent her the message the other day about not wanting to be her friend, all she did was reply with "You too
" she truely couldnt care less.
Im just so tired. I shouldnt have to live in such pain. Its not fair. The past few nights have been so rubbish as well. I'm barely sleeping throughout the night and then making up for it during the day, and I'm just completely stuck in bed to the point I quite literally am a blob that isn't leaving bed.
It's taking everything out of me even just staying in bed and I hate it so much but just have to deal with it. I'm barely talking in person and I'm giving limited response over messages and stuff and it's all just so much. Im just feeling so hopeless and like im stuck in this pit that Im never gonna get out of
Everything has just built up, christmas, grief, my "friend" and i just hate it. Christmas was awful, i was so so low and every little thing got to me about it. I didnt want to get out of bed so I prolonged it as long as i could, yet all i got was my family complaining at me. I did a single thing wrong like accidentally spill my sisters coffee and suddenly its the end of the world and im just so stupid. And not only to mention going to the graveyard was so so hard. We havent been up in ages and it was just so awful.
If my stepmom saw me today she would be so ashamed at what i am now. Im a mess. And im honestly barely hanging on. Not to mention how much i miss my aunt too, it was the first christmas without her and although in the past we havent done anything with her to celebrate, just knowing she wasnt here, alive, was so painful. And ontop of that im just a horrible person because i should miss my nan too but i just dont feel anything around that. I guess it felt like we lost her when she got dementia.
Everything with who i thought was my best friend is just circling in my head too. Shes been a horrible friend for ages, especially since september starting college when she got all her amazing new friends and her massive friend group. But she just threw me aside like i was nothing. Like everything i did for her was nothing. I was there when she needed me the most but she wasnt there when i needed her. I sent her messages about it and all i would get as a reply was "im sorry i didnt mean for you to feel that way, ill do better" but she just got worse. And then when i sent her the message the other day about not wanting to be her friend, all she did was reply with "You too
" she truely couldnt care less.Im just so tired. I shouldnt have to live in such pain. Its not fair. The past few nights have been so rubbish as well. I'm barely sleeping throughout the night and then making up for it during the day, and I'm just completely stuck in bed to the point I quite literally am a blob that isn't leaving bed.
It's taking everything out of me even just staying in bed and I hate it so much but just have to deal with it. I'm barely talking in person and I'm giving limited response over messages and stuff and it's all just so much. Im just feeling so hopeless and like im stuck in this pit that Im never gonna get out of
🦆💜🦆💜🦆
3
Comments
From what you’ve described Christmas does sound like it was a lot of pressure like the expectation of getting out of bed when your family wanted you to. You’re not stupid for spilling your sisters coffee I’m sorry you were made to feel that way. It’s understandable that going to the graveyard felt hard, for some people it can be comforting but it’s okay to find it upsetting. I feel the same way you do.
It sounds really painful to feel like your stepmom would be ashamed of you. I don’t think she would be at all. I think she would see you trying really hard and caring a lot about people. You are so supportive and caring here. Grief can feel really hard all the time and especially at Christmas when people expect you to be festive. The first Christmas without a family member can be very tough, even if you didn’t celebrate with them. Thinking about your auntie not being here sounds really painful. I can relate to that feeling. Someone told me once that when we lose a loved one while they are not physically here anymore the love and connection we have for them lives on in a different way for example through their favourite music, their favourite foods, memories you have of them. If that doesn’t feel relevant for you that’s completely okay. You’re not a horrible person for not missing your nan, like you said with things like dementia the grief process can begin before they pass away.
The situation with your friend sounds so hard, I’m sorry you’ve been let down when you’ve been there for her. It’s valid that you want to feel supported too. Is there a way you could get your thoughts out about this so it’s not circling around your head? Maybe something like writing your thoughts down on a piece of paper and then throwing it away so it’s ‘out of you’
You don’t deserve to be in such pain Chloe, I can really hear how your day to day life has been impacted, your sleep, feeling stuck in bed and how much you are able to talk in person and over messages. You’re going through a lot I’d invite you to take it one minute/hour/day at a time and try being kind to yourself like you are to other people.
Keep talking here we’re here for you
so on top of that i'm just gonna add that i (and everyone else here) am so proud of you for still being here and carrying on despite how hard it feels at the moment. remember we are all here for you if and when you need us - you've got this!!!