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Life. Grief. Growing up

FaolanFaolan Posts: 50 Boards Initiate
in Health & Wellbeing
My dad died just over a year ago now and my mam has a new boyfriend and is moving away to live with him. I feel happy for my sister , she is young so it’s good for her to have a father figure but I feels a bit gutted about it . Like my dad is being forgotten. Sure she’s after packing away all of his pictures and things and now it feels like he’s really gone. I know technically, he is ..but it wouldn’t hurt to keep his memory alive.

I know my mam grieved for my dad but at times it felt like my world stood still and everyone else’s just kept moving. I know that’s life but it hurt sometimes. I never talked about it much but I really struggled with carrying that grief. I started hating myself, I stopped playing football & gaelic and my faith slipped so many times.

Recently I’ve been making an effort to do better and feel better. Sure I go to mass every weekend, I’ve been working hard, I have a PT who is helping me start long distance running again, I play football for my new team every week and I do feel better. I still miss my dad obviously but it feels less heavy now. But my ma is moving away and I feel like I’m going to grieve again for someone who is alive.

I’m at the age where in our culture we choose who we’re going to marry. Mam put me in contact with someone who I did get along with and she’s everything I could ever ask for, I was punching for sure. But I told the girl I didn’t want a relationship and I plan to leave my community when I’m 18 and now she won’t speak with me and called me a dick and time waster, Idk if I did the right thing, I struggle with words sometimes. I felt lucky to have her and she made me happy, just the thought of a future in a travellers community makes my skin crawl.. and the more she talked about being married, buying a trailer, having kids and possibly even living roadside instead of an encampment, the more pushed away I felt.

Mam was a bit annoyed but I didn’t want to be a provider and put all my focus onto that girl when I feel like I still need time to learn about myself. She had a long chat with me about growing up, and maybe I do need to grow up, idk. She said my dad would be disappointed and that felt harsh. It was the first time she’s even mentioned my dad to me since he died.

Anyway. Most people in our culture thrive and love turning 15. But so far I’m hating it lol

Comments

  • KatieKatie Moderator Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    I'm really sorry for your loss @Faolan <3 Grief is a funny thing and is unfortunately something we all tend to experience at some point. Your feelings here sound really valid and understandable. Everyone grieves in a different way and it can be hard watching someone else respond differently to you. It sounds quite bittersweet that your sister will have that father figure to grow up with but it'll unfortunately not be your dad. Are there any pictures you can keep for yourself or any other items you can keep that remind you of him? I lost my nanna a couple of years ago and I still struggle looking at photos of her. Sometimes when I accidentally come across one in my camera roll it really catches me by surprise and I feel quite frozen. I've found more comfort in thinking about happy memories I had with her. Saying this, grief also changes over time. Maybe in a few more years I'll find that comfort in looking at the photos, but not just yet.

    I don't actually know what the right way to grieve is - I'm not sure there even is one. I really hear you in feeling like your world stood still and the struggles that come with carrying that grief. It kinda feels like you're stood behind a window, whilst everyone else is on the other side and you're just watching them get on with their lives. I remember feeling so much heaviness and weight that nobody could see on the outside. You're being really brave to talk about this now and I'm right here with you in those feelings.

    It sounds really positive you're making that effort to do better and feel better now. And whilst there isn't any pressure to get back to how things used to be (I don't think it ever really feels exactly the same as it did before such an immense loss), I know how good this can feel for our wellbeing. Grieving for someone who is still alive also makes a lot of sense here too. You're in a pretty big chapter of your life at the moment Faolan and at the same time you're navigating your teens. That's a lot, and you should give yourself credit for actively wanting to do and feel better. You're experiencing a lot of change to what you're used to, and I hope you're able to make plans to see your ma and sister when they do move away.

    I must say you sound incredibly wise for your age Faolan and your self-awareness is extremely impressive. I don't think at 15 I could've made a decision about leaving a community with such sound reasoning. Those feelings of pushing away sound valid here too. It's a shame you did get along with her, but it's also considerate of you to be able to recognise that how you see your futures are completely different. And that's okay Faolan. It's okay to want something different and to picture your life differently - because it's your life.

    From this post I think you're incredibly grown up for your age so I'm sorry your ma doesn't see that. I don't know your family so I can't speak for them, but if my (metaphorical) kid handled themselves like you did I would be immensely proud.

    Be gentle with yourself Faolan and thank you for being so raw with us <3
  • FaolanFaolan Posts: 50 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Katie 💚

    Thank you so much for your reply. I posted this thinking no one’s going to understand so thank you for proving me wrong with that there, it means a lot and I feel a million times better for it.
    Are there any pictures you can keep for yourself or any other items you can keep that remind you of him? I lost my nanna a couple of years ago and I still struggle looking at photos of her. Sometimes when I accidentally come across one in my camera roll it really catches me by surprise and I feel quite frozen. I've found more comfort in thinking about happy memories I had with her. Saying this, grief also changes over time. Maybe in a few more years I'll find that comfort in looking at the photos, but not just yet.

    I’m sorry for your loss too Katie💚 it’s brutal painful when we lose someone so close to us. I do have photos and I can relate with feeling frozen when I come across them on my camera roll. I kinda quickly scroll away because I get a painful chest when I see his face lol. There’s a photo of us having a water fight that I can look at. I’m not sure why that’s easier than the rest, it wasn’t always so maybe I’m just healing without realising. He used to wear a serenity prayer chain and since he died I’ve had it on every day. I find comfort in that too.

    It kinda feels like you're stood behind a window, whilst everyone else is on the other side and you're just watching them get on with their lives. I remember feeling so much heaviness and weight that nobody could see on the outside. You're being really brave to talk about this now and I'm right here with you in those feelings.

    Oh sure that’s exactly how it do be feeling! And it’s so hard to be happy for people when I feel like I’m being left behind. Thanks for being here with me with that because it’s so isolating and everything you’ve said is so validating and kind, thank you💚

    It sounds really positive you're making that effort to do better and feel better now. And whilst there isn't any pressure to get back to how things used to be (I don't think it ever really feels exactly the same as it did before such an immense loss)

    You’re right, I’ll never be the same person I was before my dad died. I just needed to do better to feel.. something again. It always made me feel annoyed when people said exercise is great for your MH because when you’re feeling shite to the point where tying your shoe laces feels like a ten mile uphill hike, exercise is the last thing you wanna do. But paying for my PT has helped with that. I’m a mega people pleaser so I don’t want to let him down🤣
    It's okay to want something different and to picture your life differently - because it's your life.

    THANK YOU!💚 that is so nice to hear. My ma , my uncle and everyone in this community have these big plans for my life and I’m always the last eejit to find out about them. I didn’t even know they had hopes for me to marry this girl until she asked me if I have savings because she wants a big wedding. Yer joking like, my savings are for me to leave this kip lol.
    From this post I think you're incredibly grown up for your age so I'm sorry your ma doesn't see that. I don't know your family so I can't speak for them, but if my (metaphorical) kid handled themselves like you did I would be immensely proud.

    That’s nice ❤️ me ma is a great woman and I’ve all the respect In the world for her but I don’t think she’d disagree if I said she’s quite cold hearted and emotionally shut off. But I glad that I do things that would make you feel proud, that does mean a lot because I do want to do good and give more than I take in this world. Thanks Katie❤️

    It’s nice to have you around on the boards, I do miss your craic in GC though. Hope we get to keep ya🥲
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