lots of trigger warnings 😳 sorry!
My whole world is falling apart and it's happening so quickly. I cant cope and yesterday I was non stop crying to the point I gave myself a rash on my face and red eyes
I thought after what happened my guardian would see I was struggling yet her and my family just think im attention seeking. When are they gonna see that im just a teen with a shitty past who is trying there best. Im just a disappointment and never good enough. Im not seen as a human irl 😕 it hurts so much. I feel like im battling just for my family to notice and understand me.
My whole life ive been unlovable and unwanted and that can't be denied because no one has ever wanted me, my own birthparents didn't want me and clearly my family don't now. I just want to be loved but when will that ever happen. People expect me to be completely different to how I am now so I'm so sorry that who I am now isn't good enough. Im not the perfect child, I never was and I never will be. I wish, I fucking wish people would see that everything that has happened to me has caused me to be who I am today.
■ All the abuse from my birthparents...
■ All the bullying from year 2 - year 11...
■ All the online bullying that happened the past 4 years...
■ All the learning issues i have...
■ All the medical issues...
■ finding the articles online last year...
■ finding out about my dad last year...
■ Getting the blame for my sisters problems...
■ All the people I lost too suicide
All that broke me, its all fucking broke me. Learning about my past tore my heart to peices and then having to keep secrets about it from my siblings whilst trying to support her with her questions.
Bullying and violence
The endless bullying from schools made me hate myself so much. Year 10 and year 11 were the worst years of my life, going from being called names and being sent threats to being beaten up by someone and just sitting there and letting her attack me because I felt like I fucking deserved it then being screamed at by your family for not fighting back. I was too scared to go to school for weeks and when I did go I had panic attacks in the bathrooms. She got a 3 day suspension and my year leader blamed the whole situation on me. He said I must of provoked it and blamed it on the fact that her home life wasn't good. He said I must of provoked it and blamed it on the fact that her home life wasn't good.
Teachers
The teachers weren't much better, I had the same English teacher for 2 years and she was horrible to me. My english teacher would call me a disappointment and would write it in my books. When something wasnt neat she would use the black marker and draw an x on it and make me restart. She did that at book inspection too, I had to write out my whole book into a new book 😕 I became a perfectionist. I'd waste 10+ sheets of paper and cry so much if something wasn't neat because I was scared of my english teacher. I had her 3 hours a week and she would sit me right at the front of class and pick on me ☹️ The worst part is she was also my year leader 💔 made everything so much worse. She would have a go at me for the pettiest of things. I'll never forget the time she called me stupid and gave me a 107 page booklet to do over the weekends. Even when I attempted she had ago at me for not keeping up with class work when it as out of school for 2 months. Then when I didnt tell her why I was gone for 2 months she gave me a behavior point ☹️ When she found out she still didn't care, she bullied me more for it.
Then my math teacher was bad too, It was the start of year 10 and we had parents evening. She told me that if I didn't understand math now then I never would. I was a grade 3 at that time so yeh I was failing math but she also was failing me. I completely gave up with math after that. I stopped doing homework and would skip class and even if I did go I'd just sit there and do nothing cos id just given up. I went on to getting a grade 1 in math which is worse but oh well It didn't matter.
Bullying 2
I only enjoyed 2 of my classes but one class was just 2 people arguing constantly and the second class I was being bullied in. Dance was my way of putting my feelings out and drama was my way of escaping the pain. We had a dance exam once and I was in a trio. A and C would just argue non stop and 5 minutes before the exam A said she wouldnt go on stage if we didn't change the dance so we had to change it. She made me do a front flip, id never done wone before and there was no time to practice, when we was on stage I went to do it and fell, I broke my foot and caused long term damage to my knee. It put me out of dance for life. I lost a part of me and one of the only aspects of school that I liked.
TW// eating disorder and body shaming
I was in a "friend group" there was 7 of us and I never really fit in but I guess the group didn't like me. They would make make comments about what I ate which id always been a picky eater before but it got worse, id stop eating and throw my lunch away. We had these thing called parent pays and the parents could see what u bought so I'd have to buy smth so nothing was sus. But I'd throw it away or keep it in my bag and eat it at home until there started to be effects of them and it was becoming medically noticeable so I started being monitored at lunch and break, id have to eat lunch with a teacher and have. Snack at every break. So I began to hide or id skip school just so I didn't have to eat.
Learning difficulties
I've always struggled with learning, id write my numbers backwards and sometimes still do. I have irlen syndrome to (
a visual perception or eye problems – caused by the way in which the brain interprets the visual information that is being sent through the eyes.) which only got diagnosed this year but it explained all my learning issues. So I learn differently to other people, very differently. I need things explaining as if you were talking to a toddler, im learning but its been hard adjusting which is why sometimes I ask the stupidest of questions. I cant take information in fast or very well as it takes so so long to process.
Oh shit this is so long 💀 maybe I'll do a part 2 or spare yall the rest. Sorry if you read to the end 😳
