Major trigger warning and very long post 😭

Rose113

lots of trigger warnings 😳 sorry!

My whole world is falling apart and it's happening so quickly. I cant cope and yesterday I was non stop crying to the point I gave myself a rash on my face and red eyes I thought after what happened my guardian would see I was struggling yet her and my family just think im attention seeking. When are they gonna see that im just a teen with a shitty past who is trying there best. Im just a disappointment and never good enough. Im not seen as a human irl 😕 it hurts so much. I feel like im battling just for my family to notice and understand me.

My whole life ive been unlovable and unwanted and that can't be denied because no one has ever wanted me, my own birthparents didn't want me and clearly my family don't now. I just want to be loved but when will that ever happen. People expect me to be completely different to how I am now so I'm so sorry that who I am now isn't good enough. Im not the perfect child, I never was and I never will be. I wish, I fucking wish people would see that everything that has happened to me has caused me to be who I am today.

■ All the abuse from my birthparents...
■ All the bullying from year 2 - year 11...
■ All the online bullying that happened the past 4 years...
■ All the learning issues i have...
■ All the medical issues...
■ finding the articles online last year...
■ finding out about my dad last year...
■ Getting the blame for my sisters problems...
■ All the people I lost too suicide

All that broke me, its all fucking broke me. Learning about my past tore my heart to peices and then having to keep secrets about it from my siblings whilst trying to support her with her questions.

Bullying and violence

The endless bullying from schools made me hate myself so much. Year 10 and year 11 were the worst years of my life, going from being called names and being sent threats to being beaten up by someone and just sitting there and letting her attack me because I felt like I fucking deserved it then being screamed at by your family for not fighting back. I was too scared to go to school for weeks and when I did go I had panic attacks in the bathrooms. She got a 3 day suspension and my year leader blamed the whole situation on me. He said I must of provoked it and blamed it on the fact that her home life wasn't good. He said I must of provoked it and blamed it on the fact that her home life wasn't good.

Teachers

The teachers weren't much better, I had the same English teacher for 2 years and she was horrible to me. My english teacher would call me a disappointment and would write it in my books. When something wasnt neat she would use the black marker and draw an x on it and make me restart. She did that at book inspection too, I had to write out my whole book into a new book 😕 I became a perfectionist. I'd waste 10+ sheets of paper and cry so much if something wasn't neat because I was scared of my english teacher. I had her 3 hours a week and she would sit me right at the front of class and pick on me ☹️ The worst part is she was also my year leader 💔 made everything so much worse. She would have a go at me for the pettiest of things. I'll never forget the time she called me stupid and gave me a 107 page booklet to do over the weekends. Even when I attempted she had ago at me for not keeping up with class work when it as out of school for 2 months. Then when I didnt tell her why I was gone for 2 months she gave me a behavior point ☹️ When she found out she still didn't care, she bullied me more for it.

Then my math teacher was bad too, It was the start of year 10 and we had parents evening. She told me that if I didn't understand math now then I never would. I was a grade 3 at that time so yeh I was failing math but she also was failing me. I completely gave up with math after that. I stopped doing homework and would skip class and even if I did go I'd just sit there and do nothing cos id just given up. I went on to getting a grade 1 in math which is worse but oh well It didn't matter.

Bullying 2

I only enjoyed 2 of my classes but one class was just 2 people arguing constantly and the second class I was being bullied in. Dance was my way of putting my feelings out and drama was my way of escaping the pain. We had a dance exam once and I was in a trio. A and C would just argue non stop and 5 minutes before the exam A said she wouldnt go on stage if we didn't change the dance so we had to change it. She made me do a front flip, id never done wone before and there was no time to practice, when we was on stage I went to do it and fell, I broke my foot and caused long term damage to my knee. It put me out of dance for life. I lost a part of me and one of the only aspects of school that I liked.

TW// eating disorder and body shaming

I was in a "friend group" there was 7 of us and I never really fit in but I guess the group didn't like me. They would make make comments about what I ate which id always been a picky eater before but it got worse, id stop eating and throw my lunch away. We had these thing called parent pays and the parents could see what u bought so I'd have to buy smth so nothing was sus. But I'd throw it away or keep it in my bag and eat it at home until there started to be effects of them and it was becoming medically noticeable so I started being monitored at lunch and break, id have to eat lunch with a teacher and have. Snack at every break. So I began to hide or id skip school just so I didn't have to eat.

Learning difficulties

I've always struggled with learning, id write my numbers backwards and sometimes still do. I have irlen syndrome to (a visual perception or eye problems – caused by the way in which the brain interprets the visual information that is being sent through the eyes.) which only got diagnosed this year but it explained all my learning issues. So I learn differently to other people, very differently. I need things explaining as if you were talking to a toddler, im learning but its been hard adjusting which is why sometimes I ask the stupidest of questions. I cant take information in fast or very well as it takes so so long to process.

Oh shit this is so long 💀 maybe I'll do a part 2 or spare yall the rest. Sorry if you read to the end 😳

sinead276

First of all, I'm so sorry you've gone through all of that @Rose113, i can't even imagine how it must feel. I just wanted to say that although people in your life are suggesting otherwise, you absolutely definitely are enough and we all value you here at the mix and i know you are a much loved member of the community.

I can imagine it is hard when you're struggling the way you are and the people around you don't seem to be acknowledging it/the extent of it as they maybe should be. Remember there will always be someone here to listen when you need or give advice when they can.

Just wanted to say I'm proud of you for being open on here and telling your story, and still being able to get through your internal battles, no matter how difficult it may seem to you right now.

Sending you a big big hug and keep reaching out to us when you need
Sinead

Rose113

Can't believe im just a shitty screw up that ruins everything, I ruin every friendship and everything. I start to get to comfy and scared of being hurt that I just do and say stupid things cos then they can't hurt me for no reason if they decide to leave. I dont want to be me, I dont want to deal with the fact that I'm good for nothing. Its so painful waking up just to deal with being worthless and stupid. When will things slow down, im nearly 18 and I thought things would be better by now but everyday just gets worse and worse. My eyes are so puffy and I look so drained. My mental health is coming out in physical ways I keep going dizzy. I cant control my temp. My tummy is just hurting non stop, my head hurts and im so shaky. I just want to have a break from my head and people. I have no one, no one I can trust and no one to turn to. I'm so fed up of who I am as a shitty perosn. I open my mouth too much. I annoy everyone and piss people off. Why couldn't I have been born differently. Was the world that against me before I was made to create me as a stupid shitty perosn ☹️ Im sick of my age regression. I age regress to much that even autocorrect switches the words to how I'd say them in the state of my age regression. Im just a nobody. I dont want to be me, I want to be different. I hate my body. I hate my personality, I hate myself, I hate everything about me 😔 I'm dumb. Stupid. Worthless. Annoying. Unlovable. A waste of time. A freak. A waste of a human. An idiot. A pest. Not good enough. I try to be who people want me to be and expect me to be but still my true colours take over

Rose113

Just arrived. She is being nice with me so think she not hate me anymore which is good. Hated the awkwardness

Rose113

Woke up feeling kinda okay, I dont know why but I feel so much better when I'm not at home, when we go to our second home how I feel goes away and I feel the slightest bit of happiness. I do alot more photography when we are here so maybe that'd why, it makes me happy doing photography.

The only downside is ive been wearing shorts but because I had a really bad relapse a few days ago I have to wear a jumper instead of a tshirt and the weather is boiling I was gonna just not wear a jumper and see but then I'm scared to do that.

I took some pictures of the sky last night and it gave me a fuzzy feeling when I did it, it made me so excited. These are the ones I took.

Italia

@Rose113, you’ve done an amazing job sharing your story with us. Thank you for trusting us with what you’ve been going through. It takes a lot of courage to open up like this.

It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling this way after everything you’ve been through. I’m really proud of you for reaching out for help and for taking steps to take care of yourself. Talking to us here is a great idea.

You might have already shared this with the team, but I just wanted to check in about your relapse. I'm sorry to hear you relapsed, we know that can be really tough. What type of relapse was it? Do you think you might need medical attention? If you feel like you do, please reach out to your local A&E, or if you're unsure you can always call 111 - they are usually very kind and helpful. You matter a lot @Rose113 - so please do get checked out if you need to.

I’m so happy to hear that you’re feeling a bit better and that you’ve found some things that make you feel good. That’s really important. Maybe you could try doing some photography at home too? Do you think that might help?

Even if you don’t always feel like it, you are amazing. I’ve seen how you are in the community, you are kind, you care about others and you bring a lot of fun and lightheartedness to a space. Don’t forget about the great things that make you who you are too. You may not always be able to see them but we do

Take care of yourself right now

Rose113

Hey @Italia thank you for replying

I relapsed with my self harm but im okay, there healing the way they should.

I do try to do it at home but I live in the countryside so it's usually the same views each time. It doesn't really vary 🥲

Thank you, I feel far far from amazing and kind