Fear of being lonely

NataschaAnn · August 2022

Does anyone else ever feel as though everyone they know around them has their shit together - relationship wise I mean. I'm not just referring to those who are in a relationship, but also those who aren't but aren't but are completely comfortable with simply loving themselves.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm insane for craving a relationship so much, while also thinking something must be chronically wrong with me as everyone around me is happy with their partners or themselves; whereas here my sad ass is each night, scrolling through tinder knowing it'll do nothing but remind me that i'm literally attracted to men who look and act like they're from a bloody Coleen Hoover book (the Miles and Atlas type obviously).

And before anyone says it, I know I know, 'I gotta love myself first'. But this is my problem, I kinda like who I am, yes I'll look back at something I said 0.5 seconds ago and will full-body cringe with embarrassment; but overall - I think i'm alright. So what in the fuck is so wrong with me that I have literally NEVER been asked out on a single damn date (don't get me wrong, i've had boyfriends previously, but right now it's just me and my £12.50 vibrator).

It does make me worry sometimes that i'll be in my late 20s and be alone, and I'm aware being married and having kids young isn't trendy anymore, but I still hold onto the idea of having that by late 20s - even though i'm fully aware putting a clock on finding someone is most likely my main contributor to stress.

One last thing - I am SICK AND TIRED of people claiming 'you'll find someone one day, they'll just pop up out of nowhere' LIKE WHERE, PLEASE MA'AM, SHOW ME THE FREAKIN NARNIA STYLE SECRET WARDROBE OF PEOPLE THAT WON'T PISS ME OFF TILL I DIE - because even when i'm ACTIVELY looking, by god it's a ball-ache, so when people tell me to simply *stop looking* well, that irks parts of me I didn't know could be irked. Like - are you aware of how UNLIKELY it is for us to find someone who we'll like till our deathbed, and you're just claiming I just take a lie down, drink a mimosa and just wait for them to tumble at my feet...I just find that hard to believe.

Anyway, rant over. All in all, i'm just shit scared of never finding anyone and not being at peace with not being alone, because I both aggravate myself and hate cats way too much for that fear to come to life.

Past User · August 2022

Is it inappropriate for me to click "lol" on this? You have a great sense of humour, morbid as it may be, and no you're not alone in feeling how you do. Actually I imagine it's pretty common, as annoying as that is to hear. I think the people who struggle with it just aren't able or don't want to communicate it, and the happy people are always front and center for us to secretly hate.

On a more serious note, it's a perfectly valid thing to be feeling down and pissed off about. Especially if you're trying and still struggling to get anywhere with it. I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm not really in a position to.

Can only give you my initial thoughts. Which are - you probably have a great personality, are fun to be around, tinder probably ain't the solution, and you should see if you meet someone while doing something you enjoy.

Regardless, thank you for capturing some of my cynicism.

And fuck cats.

mk1881 · September 2022

Holy cows, I don't think that someone has ever articulated my own brain thought processes so well into a few paragraphs. Firstly, I don't know why you haven't found someone with your sense of personality. You seem very charismatic which is a very attractive trait. The classic right offs of "oh it just takes time," "they'll come to you," and other such bullshit but semi-truthful things aren't harrowing thoughts when you've been searching. But I think there is value in loving yourself. Which you previously mentioned you already do. Maybe people find that intimidating about you, that you have self-worth when so many others don't and look for a partner to "complete them," when in actuality what most people mean is, that they're looking for someone to share their baggage with them. You pointed out something I personally struggle with deeply. You have an immense fear of being alone. But if you love yourself truly, I believe that in some sense you should be able to be okay with yourself when you are alone. Find hobbies you like to do alone and then share them with others, possibly leading into a relationship. Being afraid of being alone is a universal fear, so much as breathing is universal. Everyone struggles with it. I'm sorry this may not have been as helpful as I set it out to be but those are my honest opinions on your situation. Hope this helps, even if just in the slightest.

JJLemon18 · July 2023

Okay listen. When I see someone on the boards who I never seen before, I will always check their profile to know a bit more about them, and I occasionally will check their other posts (especially if I'm bored). And omg I'm so glad I did! This (although kinda sad) made me laugh way too much

I'm pretty late here but I relate to this to some extent. I've never been in any relationship and every time I hear someone say "it will happen when you least expect it" I think to myself well that would be now then...
I'm 'just 20' yet I feel like I've missed so many relationships, and not just the romantic ones, I've never had a true friend either! I'm getting better at appreciating myself and who I am but I seriously do often think to myself that I will never have a chance for a real relationship in my 20s, yet at all. Like literally, the only possibility of me getting into any relationship would be if someone broke into my room and went "You! Yes you! We're leaving" and dragged me kicking and screaming out of the house xD

So yea, you're not the only one terrified like that. Hope things are going better you now. Sending big hugs

yana · July 2023

I agree with everything everyone has said and I relate very much to everything you said and I have basically nothing to add but where did you get a decent vibrator from for £12.50???

Fear of being lonely

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