Thoughts about the past, seeing photo on insta (TW suicidal mother)

I can't get into chat tonight so sharing thoughts here.

I remembered my sisters boyfriend instagram name this evening so I went on for a look, it's been a few years since I done a noisy

(my sister and mother as far as I know get on, but me and them don't talk)

I seen a photo of the three of them together, my mother looks different, her hair grown in and she somehow seems shorter, I think our eyes look the same.

They look happy and I'm not angry, not about that. It's good they have each other, I have my dad and step mum.

we lost my other sister, the oldest one a year or so ago, they didn't tell us. We found out when her abusive husband gave us details on where to find her funeral on youtube (covid times).

I think back to when I was a kid and we were all together (me, my mum and two sisters) I didn't think anything would tear us apart, we weren't a big family, not many aunties or uncles. The ones we did have stayed far away and had their own problems.

But we were together, we were a family. It was hard with my mum drinking like she did, the violence, the hate, I think it eventually found its way into all of us.

I tried so hard to be there for my mum when I was younger, I thought if I could just get her through today she'll be ok, now I realise how damaging that was. I gave her everything, every power of positive thoughts of love of encouragement and when I moved away, she eventually stopped calling when it was her turn. I needed her to call, I waited and waited but nothing. I needed her to care like I did and I still feel that emptiness and I don't think, after all these years, I'm ever going to make peace with it.

I don't know if I miss her but I know I loved her and when I went to visit her years ago, I found out she moved to another city from a neighbour.

I started writing this because I seen the photo and wondered why I wasted so many years being hurt so deeply by everything, the pain I felt when I moved away, it was like my heart being ripped out (sounds dramatic but only way I can explain it) I would spend night after night curled on the floor crying for hours.

It was me who decided to move. I said I wanted to live in Scotland with my dad. I thought she'd fight for me, I thought she'd want me to stay but she said if that's what you want, you can go. I asked her if I could come back if I didn't like it, she said no. I was a kid, I didn't know it'd hurt so much moving away, I didn't now I'd be so worried about her, she always talked about killing herself and I hated I wasn't there, I hated not knowing if she was dead or alive, or if she was drunk in some ditch, I wonder if she wonders how I turned out, what I'm doing now.

When I see my phone ring with an unknown number, I think it might be her and I hesitated to answer.

They all seem happy or at least talking and getting along. I know I need to let it go, that's what this was going to be about, I did feel some sort of closure seeing that photo but I don't know anymore, I feel tired and exhausted just from seeing that lol, I'm still hurting and I need a hug and I don't know if I need it from my mum which I hate to think I might. It wouldn't be the same tho, I don't love her like I use to or I'm not as blind to the choices she could have made. I don't like her and if I do love her, it's very, very deep down.

I sometimes think I need my step mum to love me more, but that' not fair on her. I just wish there was somebody, I need somebody to care about me like family does.