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Thoughts about the past, seeing photo on insta (TW suicidal mother)

DistractionDistraction Posts: 449 Listening Ear
I can't get into chat tonight so sharing thoughts here.

I remembered my sisters boyfriend instagram name this evening so I went on for a look, it's been a few years since I done a noisy

(my sister and mother as far as I know get on, but me and them don't talk)

I seen a photo of the three of them together, my mother looks different, her hair grown in and she somehow seems shorter, I think our eyes look the same.

They look happy and I'm not angry, not about that. It's good they have each other, I have my dad and step mum.

we lost my other sister, the oldest one a year or so ago, they didn't tell us. We found out when her abusive husband gave us details on where to find her funeral on youtube (covid times).

I think back to when I was a kid and we were all together (me, my mum and two sisters) I didn't think anything would tear us apart, we weren't a big family, not many aunties or uncles. The ones we did have stayed far away and had their own problems.

But we were together, we were a family. It was hard with my mum drinking like she did, the violence, the hate, I think it eventually found its way into all of us.

I tried so hard to be there for my mum when I was younger, I thought if I could just get her through today she'll be ok, now I realise how damaging that was. I gave her everything, every power of positive thoughts of love of encouragement and when I moved away, she eventually stopped calling when it was her turn. I needed her to call, I waited and waited but nothing. I needed her to care like I did and I still feel that emptiness and I don't think, after all these years, I'm ever going to make peace with it.

I don't know if I miss her but I know I loved her and when I went to visit her years ago, I found out she moved to another city from a neighbour.

I started writing this because I seen the photo and wondered why I wasted so many years being hurt so deeply by everything, the pain I felt when I moved away, it was like my heart being ripped out (sounds dramatic but only way I can explain it) I would spend night after night curled on the floor crying for hours.

It was me who decided to move. I said I wanted to live in Scotland with my dad. I thought she'd fight for me, I thought she'd want me to stay but she said if that's what you want, you can go. I asked her if I could come back if I didn't like it, she said no. I was a kid, I didn't know it'd hurt so much moving away, I didn't now I'd be so worried about her, she always talked about killing herself and I hated I wasn't there, I hated not knowing if she was dead or alive, or if she was drunk in some ditch, I wonder if she wonders how I turned out, what I'm doing now.

When I see my phone ring with an unknown number, I think it might be her and I hesitated to answer.

They all seem happy or at least talking and getting along. I know I need to let it go, that's what this was going to be about, I did feel some sort of closure seeing that photo but I don't know anymore, I feel tired and exhausted just from seeing that lol, I'm still hurting and I need a hug and I don't know if I need it from my mum which I hate to think I might. It wouldn't be the same tho, I don't love her like I use to or I'm not as blind to the choices she could have made. I don't like her and if I do love her, it's very, very deep down.

I sometimes think I need my step mum to love me more, but that' not fair on her. I just wish there was somebody, I need somebody to care about me like family does.

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    BrookeeBrookee Posts: 1,327 Wise Owl
    Hey @Distraction
    I can hear just how much you've been coping with all these years, and it's perfectly understandable to feel so hurt by everything you've carried all these years. It sounds really difficult to cope with. I imagine it was a lot for you to bear and deal with on your own, trying to support your mum through everything and not be given the support and love you deserved back. It's okay to struggle to let this pain and hurt go. I think you've shown real strength sharing this with us today, it's not easy. I'm really inspired by your bravery to push through all of this pain everyday. I'm wondering have you been able to talk about how you've been feeling with anyone that you trust and feel safe around? You deserve to feel supported and loved, your bravery is so admirable, sending you no end of love <3
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