Abuse and flashbacks (TW sexual abuse (??))

hi,

so I had no idea where to post this so feel free to move if its the wrong place or not appropriate etc. 

i'm having a really hard time today because of something that happened yesterday. i have spoken to my chaplain (a certified adult as i like to call her!) but just feeling very overwhelmed by everything and needed to let it out. 

yesterday, my friend brought up something that she’d found triggering. in conversation with their partner they’d been talking about fanfic and their partner mentioned having read a fanfic that involved r*pe. and I got a frantic text of my friend saying how they’d been upset and it had brought up memories and I said I would be fine to talk about it. and i feel guilty because it shouldn’t have affected me so because i haven’t experienced anything quite like that and my issues seem so small in comparison. but I wish I’d just been a little bit more sensitive to myself because some of the things they went on to say dragged up memories. and they weren’t to know but only that morning something had happened at home with my mum. something i don’t know if I can or even want to put into words because I don’t want to upset or trigger you in any way. so I guess TW? because I need to try and say it because I am fucking scared and overwhelmed. there’s a poem i once wrote. that said ‘i wish to be untouchable and pure again’ and that’s how i feel. 

so, I turn inwards i havent even gone a day without cutting for a few weeks. feeling so worthless that is my only option. feeling so desperate and helpless and barely getting a few lucid points in the day where i am not plagued by voices or urges or fear. i prefer not being lucid right now. it’s easier than feeling things. and all because i was seen and stared at and hurt and touched and more and words i can’t say. i don’t want to put this on anyone. but i need someone to hear this because i can't feel it anymore. i have had so many times today where i've just disocciated from my body and my voices have taken over and effectively lived through my body and i've not even been present. it's terrifying and i feel so alone. and my chaplain asked if i would let someone speak to social services for me but i don't want anyone getting involved at home. i just. need to feel less. 

I just need a hug. or some advice. or anything. 

AJ x