Abuse and flashbacks (TW sexual abuse (??))

Former Member

hi,

so I had no idea where to post this so feel free to move if its the wrong place or not appropriate etc. 

i'm having a really hard time today because of something that happened yesterday. i have spoken to my chaplain (a certified adult as i like to call her!) but just feeling very overwhelmed by everything and needed to let it out. 

yesterday, my friend brought up something that she’d found triggering. in conversation with their partner they’d been talking about fanfic and their partner mentioned having read a fanfic that involved r*pe. and I got a frantic text of my friend saying how they’d been upset and it had brought up memories and I said I would be fine to talk about it. and i feel guilty because it shouldn’t have affected me so because i haven’t experienced anything quite like that and my issues seem so small in comparison. but I wish I’d just been a little bit more sensitive to myself because some of the things they went on to say dragged up memories. and they weren’t to know but only that morning something had happened at home with my mum. something i don’t know if I can or even want to put into words because I don’t want to upset or trigger you in any way. so I guess TW? because I need to try and say it because I am fucking scared and overwhelmed. there’s a poem i once wrote. that said ‘i wish to be untouchable and pure again’ and that’s how i feel. 

because that morning for some reason my mum insisted on stripping me to 'examine' me. and. i could probably handle that. i hate the whole no clothes thing but what I hate more is the touching thing. places that should not be touched and words that should not be said. places that should not be seen or touched or hurt. i feel shame and i feel violated. and most of all i just want to cry because it hurt me physically and that in some ways makes it all worse because there is a reminder. touch no longer feels safe. because when there are hands and eyes on my most intimate parts, all with the excuse that it’s her body, that’s scary. i remember being told once by my chaplain that my body belongs to God and i try to remember that. but being hit and slapped in places that shouldn’t. that’s scary. and she hurt me. again. made me hurt myself. again. triggered flashbacks. again. sensing a theme? 

so, I turn inwards i havent even gone a day without cutting for a few weeks. feeling so worthless that is my only option. feeling so desperate and helpless and barely getting a few lucid points in the day where i am not plagued by voices or urges or fear. i prefer not being lucid right now. it’s easier than feeling things. and all because i was seen and stared at and hurt and touched and more and words i can’t say. i don’t want to put this on anyone. but i need someone to hear this because i can't feel it anymore. i have had so many times today where i've just disocciated from my body and my voices have taken over and effectively lived through my body and i've not even been present. it's terrifying and i feel so alone. and my chaplain asked if i would let someone speak to social services for me but i don't want anyone getting involved at home. i just. need to feel less. 

I just need a hug. or some advice. or anything. 

AJ x

Past User

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Past User

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Former Member

Past User said:

its so weird, but i totally get what ur saying
i cant say my own story coz it always sounds like its nothing, yet everything triggering around me
i ....
you'll be fine one day
im sorry i dont have any advice

Hey,
I'm sorry to hear you've been through similar, it's really scary. I am always happy to talk if you want to DM me- I promise you it isn't nothing if it affects you. 
The quote in your sig really inspired me btw. 
Take care, 
AJ x

Past User

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