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TW: Self harm and recovery

Mel_Mel_ Posts: 241 Trailblazer
I guess I've realised I've not been 'trying' hard enough to recover and not really following my therapist and what she recommends I do...and often I agree and don't actually do it, I'm ready to finally start trying anymore but I'm finding it so difficult as mental health has always been part of me, I've always struggled with it and its almost hard to 'let go' of everything that's part of me and try to get better.

For example, my therapist set me two tasks this weekend...one to delete TikTok which I managed, although I'm finding it hard to not redownload..another to get rid of my self-harm items...and I actually managed to that today and have been 4 days clean...however the withdrawals I guess you can call them and the urges are so bad I'm struggling really badly not to find something else and realising how hard...and how not easy recovery actually is...

I don't really know the purpose of this post but I just need to write it and let it out, I'm trying to not to fall back into old habits but it's hard, as my trauma comes up a lot lately and honestly the memories/flashbacks of them are the worst thing to try and get through alongside everything else I'm dealing with.
independent_Anch0r33Past UserPast UserSalix_alba_2019coc0mac_Tech_Addict_Girl

Comments

  • Past UserPast User Posts: 91 The Mix Convert
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    Mel_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,810 Master Poster
    Hey Mel, sending massive virtual hugs <3 

    Recovery is always going to be really tough, but any step no matter how small you should be really really proud of. You managed both of your tasks this week and that's great, it's amazing! 

    Have you got anything else at all that helps you to cope with how you're feeling that isnt self harm?
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    Mel_
  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Obnoxiously Large Anchor Somewhere in the sea 🌊Posts: 981 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey Mel, I'm so proud of you for opening up. I know how hard you've been trying recently and it sounds like you really want to feel better and you've realised you're not doing what you need to do to get better. That's a major achievement, you should be proud of yourself <3
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    Mel_
  • JordanJordan Posts: 324 Super Moderator
    Congradulations on managing both of your tasks this week, I'm sure everyone here is incredibly proud of you!

    I agree with @independent_ when they say that recovery is a tough and that you should be proud of any positive step you take. It's a journey where some days will be harder than others, but I believe in you!
    Mel_
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 891 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi Mel, 

    Congratulations for managing to complete both tasks! That's a wonderful achievement, we are all so proud of you :heart: Recovery really is a journey, but you have shown so much strength in this post alone - so I really do believe in you! Take good care :heart:
    Mel_
  • _Tech_Addict_Girl_Tech_Addict_Girl Posts: 1,073 Wise Owl
      Hey @Mel_
    im so proud of you for trying 💕
    Mel_
  • Mel_Mel_ Posts: 241 Trailblazer
    Thank you everyone wouldn't of even made it this far without the mix tbh & everyone in it
  • Mel_Mel_ Posts: 241 Trailblazer
    honestly messed up my recovery & self harm and ended up relapsing a few times so this thread isn't great or relevant...
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,810 Master Poster
    hey it's ok. It is relevant because recovery is a journey which you're still on, there are going to be some bumps in the road but you will get there with the right support <3
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    Mel_
  • Mel_Mel_ Posts: 241 Trailblazer
    hey it's ok. It is relevant because recovery is a journey which you're still on, there are going to be some bumps in the road but you will get there with the right support <3
    Thank you, I'm trying just not getting very far 
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,810 Master Poster
    you're trying thats all anyone can ask of you! You will get there with time <3
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Mel_Mel_ Posts: 241 Trailblazer
    just feels like everything is going downhill that's there's no point anymore, I have no one, literally alone and a mess 
    Past User
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Literally just got here
    Hey Mel I’m really sorry to hear that. We all care about you. You’re an amazing person and I’m always happy to listen if you ever need anything.  We’re all here for you, I know you may not see it right now but you’re a wonderful strong person  <3
  • Mel_Mel_ Posts: 241 Trailblazer
    sigh just here to vent, feeling so incredibly low today and kinda suicidal tbh, really in a messed up state of mind, I can't distract myself...i tried to do some painting and creative but I couldn't focus at all no matter how much I tried. i just feel like I'm a mess and I have no idea how to cope with it all
    Past User
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Literally just got here
    Hey mel, I’m sorry to hear how low you’re feeling. I don’t have any words to make anything better but I promise you’re not alone, we’re always happy to listen.  <3

    Its good to vent and it’s good that you keep opening up here, it shows strength.
     I’m sorry painting didn’t help, what about doing something that doesn’t really require focus like listening to music, having a shower or just spending time with your hamsters.

     Sorry if this came across rude or patronising. We all care about you mel. You’re a wonderful person. I’m here if you ever need anything. 
  • Mel_Mel_ Posts: 241 Trailblazer
    thank you @SpaceOtter I tried music and my hamsters, nothing is working I feel like I'm stuck with my thoughts and almost stuck in my past...I feel so disconnected from everything I really just don't want to feel this numb or want to be here anymore.

    wish I could cope better but I really can't.
    Past User
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Literally just got here
    Mel I’m really sorry to hear that. I’m here if you need to talk. Could you try some grounding exercises like the five senses. Sorry I’m not very helpful. Here if you need anything.  <3
  • Mel_Mel_ Posts: 241 Trailblazer
    I don't know. I don't think I can...maybe I deserve to feel like this...maybe I wont ever get better
  • ChloeChloe Posts: 25 Boards Initiate
    edited December 2020

    Hey @Mel_ – Chlöe here. It’s the first time I’ve posted in a while so hi *wave*! Firstly, coming here and sharing how you’re feeling sounds like a really positive step in your recovery journey to me! You’ve got some strong feelings right now and reaching out is so brave and courageous. You said that you’re feeling really low and suicidal, has anything happened in the build up to you feeling this way?


    It sounds like you have aspirations around how you’d like to be coping in moments like this and I just wanted to try and offer some reassurance that these things do come with time, so don’t rule it out yet! In the last three weeks, since you made your OP and your commitment to recovery, what has been getting you through the difficult times? As others have said, this is something that takes time and being kind and forgiving to yourself. You’re definitely not alone though – we’re here.  


  • Mel_Mel_ Posts: 241 Trailblazer
    @Chloe probably the realisation of the fact that my relationship I was in for over a year was not as good out as I made it to be...and it was more toxic than I ever realised... I was clearly in denial about it all. I talked about in therapy last week and it's making me feel worse and I feel so shit thinking how messed up I am and how stupid I am. From getting sexually assaulted with one partner to then being with him...unaware of what was happening wasn't normal either. Just feel useless and pathetic, and disgusting. 

    I have no idea what's been getting me through, but I know the lead up to Christmas probably hasn't helped & other things. Things are just getting worse I just can't do it anymore tbh.
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