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I really need to let this out, i am feeling very worthless and low and that I am not good enough

MathLilyMathLily Posts: 6 Confirmed not a robot
Dear the mix,

It is Lily back again, I have managed to get over the past with the scary man and have gotten so much better! all thanks to you being there to help me and talk to me and my counsellor <3  I have missed you all so much!  But lately I have been speaking on the phone to my boyfriend and he has been saying some things which hurt my feelings, in a kind of jokey way and I have tried to politely tell him how I feel but then I start panicking and crying and he tells me I am emotionally draining and that he can't do this anymore, so I feel like I can't ring him up when I have a panic attack and lately I have with the coronavirus and feeling scared for my friends and having to find a job, being so frightened for my interviews and struggling to find somewhere to live as i was at risk of being evicted and with my parents disowning me and friends at uni- having nowehere to go :'(   Today I spoke on the phone to him and had a horrible experience and I can't stop crying. I am frightened to tell him how him saying these things makes me feel but I am frightened he will tell me it is over and it will break my heart again as I truly love this man and want to spend my life with him.


I don't want to sound horrible saying this about my boyfriend but I feel like I need your support as I feel so down and can't stop crying. I feel ugly, not good enough and scared I will never be loved by my boyfriend and his family or they will dislike me one day :'( 

He told me I am not the same Lily  he met last year because he found out I wear coloured contacts as I finally had the courage to tell him and  he told me on the phone today doesn't like it.  I have naturally brown eyes but wear blue contacts as I feel comfortable wearing them and that they make me feel happier so I felt hurt he doesn't like them and i don't understand why as he has looked into my eyes for ages and always told me he finds me pretty- but when i take out my lenses he never says my natural eyes are pretty- even though he says he prefers my natural eyes as it shows i am not superficial. My parents put the contacts on me at a very young age and I have been known with my blue eyes since then and feel at my best wearing them and used to wearing them, but do love my brown eyes. He told me he feels like I am hiding things- eyes are the window to the soul etc and I told him I am so sorry he feels that way and he told me it is immoral- like wearing a tatooo which made me feel like a horrible, scary person as tattoos frighten me.  I told him I am  happy to take the lenses out whenever he wants me to as his happiness is all that matters- but i am so sad because now he has just bought it up and he compared it to tattoos which he said he would break up with me for as he said they are ugly and I feel like he doesn't find me  pretty enough because of it. I am frightened he will leave me because I love my lenses so much and see myself wearing them so much in the future and feel like they suit me more based on what all my friends have said and my family- whom are no longer with me sadly but told me for years and years. The lenses are a part of me and he will not compliment my eyes when I wear them and it makes me feel ugly for being myself and yet at the start of the relationship he must  have known they were lenses and called them blue emeralds.  He told me I need to show his parents and family my brown eyes on my own accord- which I am really shy to do as I  know it will draw attention to me and I am very shy- he said they would be shocked when they do find out. I told him I am frightened what they will say and he said i was being negative. Everyone, this is so painful  to type and I am in tears but I just need to let this out as I feel at my lowest and really need you to be there and help me :'( I told him i feel like it shouldn't make a difference as i am the same Lily, I love and care about them all and am the same person and just because I wear coloured contacts shouldn't affect their opinion of me, I told my boyfriend if he wore lenses i would love him the same and want him to wear whatever makes him happy but what truly hurts my heart is i feel like both my boyfriend and his family will feel differently of me if i take the lenses off as my boyfriend said they will be shocked as they are not superficial people The mix - Would I be wrong to say if he does to try to make me take them off: no thank you, I do not feel comfortable? I just don't want his family to make it seem like I am hiding it from them as I am not- if they asked me if i wore lenses I would say yes. A lady the other day asked me if i wore contacts and i said yes i do and she said they are beautiful. I told my boyfriend i said that and he said "i find that hard to believe" and that hurt my heart alot as it makes me feel like he thinks i am dishonest.  but just taking them off in from of his family will draw shock and i am frightened of how they would react or if i would upset them and change their opinion of me and I can't bear the thought of upsetting anyone- it would hurt my heart so much. I don't want his family to turn on me as I love them so much and really care about them and love this man.

H e told me his parents probably think I am a damaged young girl anyway because of my parents disowning me and my anxiety  ( i am very shy and have panic attacks in public situations)  and he toild his parents about why i no longer see my parents :'( 


Secondly, I am a mathematician and data scientist and didn't get to go to uni because my parents didn't support me but yet they did let me study at open uni.  My boyfriend said in a jokey way that  if he did get to meet a girl who studied at Cambridge, played a specific video game and wasn't high maintenance- he would go out with her instead of me. This makes me feel like I am not good enough as I suffer from anixety and he told me he has a problem with me being high maintenance due to my lenses etc which hurts alot :'( I do take care of my appearance to keep healthy but am not obsessed with my self at all.  I asked him if he was joking and he said he was. Even though it was a joke, I feel like i am not intelligent enough and scared he may break up with me for another girl who plays a video game and goes to a better uni. And he said this after he spoke about my eyes. 


My boyfriend called me obsessive too when I told him how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, which I am not as i do not depend on him but he does mean so much to him- i just love him with all my heart. 


He joked telling me that he is the genius not me when i couldn't find the flat to see whether or not there was parking on google maps and also asked me if 9i have autism :'( he also told me before I am too mathematical for him and he likes a woman good at politics and history. I love history and studied it at gcse but i am not the best at it and don't follwow politics  due to my anxiety over the news at the moment with the pandemic and fear of seeing the death figures- which hurt my heart. 

He said i am the jealous type which isnt true after I said i am not comfortable with him going out 1 on one for a coffee date with another girl :'( if it was a random girl he just met i would feel a bit insecure but i wouldn't want to stop him but if it was his friends i wouldn't see why not! I want him to do what makes him happy and i trust him 100 percent. But i said date is not accpetable because it is cheating. It makes me feel like he is keeping his options open and I told him how i felt he said that isn't the case but we are only young and he will see whether or not we are compatible when we move in together which i believe is fair enough. 

I asked him if he only has eyes for me and he says yes but it is these hypothetical things which bother me and he broke up with me over the phone when he made a hurtful joke last time adn i amanged to talk him out of it. It was awful as he said he wanted a 2 week break from me and told me he has better things to worry about than hearing me cry and cut me off and suggested a 2 week break and talked about maybe wanting to after uni break up a year and then say he doesnt want it all of a sudden. One minute he says he loves me and can't wait to talk to me but makes jokes about meeting 20 other girls in sweden as his other girlfriends and I don't understand how he can say that :'( 

The mix,  I love this man very much and daily confess my love to him but i feel frightened he will stop me wearing lenses and he will consistently make jokes about me. I can't feel and feel worthless - like i am not beautiful enough with my lenses on which are a huge part of me and that my boyfriend has other options and his parents will not look at me the same as i wear contacts :'( 











independent__Tech_Addict_Girl

Comments

  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,811 Legendary Poster
    edited September 2020
    Really sorry to hear all this @MathLily I’m so glad you felt you could share what you’re going through on here. 

    I’m going to say what I am in the kindest way possible. It’s really hard to see it when you’re in the middle of the situation and you’re in love with someone, but it may be worth considering whether this relationship is healthy and making you happy overall.

    A person you love and who loves you back should never deliberately hurt you - emotionally or otherwise. A good partner should never bring you down or make you feel “at your lowest”. In fact it really should be the opposite - they should be there for you, supportive of you, caring, kind, etc.

    I’m of the opinion that everyone should be able to do what makes them feel happy, and for you that’s your eyes. Yes, you’re beautiful the way you are - but sometimes we just need that little boost and a good partner should be understanding and respectful of that. Not everyone will react in the way you think they will. You never know, his family may see it this way too - if it’s making you happy then that’s the main thing. 

    I don’t like having to write this and tell you this, but it really sounds like your boyfriend is bringing you down and making you very unhappy. And you are worth more than that. You deserve to find someone who accepts you for you and is by your side every step of the way.

    Of course I don’t know your full situation, I only know what you’ve written here. But this is how I see it from an outside perspective. It’s worth looking at your relationship as a whole and thinking about if it is a healthy one.

    Please take good care of yourself, we’re always here to listen and if you need a chat about it <3 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    MathLily
  • MathLilyMathLily Posts: 6 Confirmed not a robot
    Hello @independent_ , Thank you so much for being there for me. I keep feeling really down remembering what he said and it hurts my heart and I feel very low on energy and struggling to enjoy my maths today :'( I am calling him tonight as daily, but I am frightened about what he will say to me about my eyes etc. I am very nervous as he is coming over next saturday to help me move into my new flat too- I am scared he will break up with me or make jokes about other girls and say hurtful things about my eyes- calling me fake etc :'( 

    I do love him very much- I am hoping to myself that this is just a phase and when he is with me in person he wioll act better because I know he is stressed with uni work etc. This is why I want to work through it, even though I feel sad and neglected in the relationship at the momnent as he told me he likes making me jealous and making jokes of other girls and said these hurtful things. I never thought he would say them to me :'( I implement my maths theorem to help me feel better but I still have these worries at the back of my head- what if he leaves me for another girl who doesn't wear coloured contacts? What if he leaves me for another girl who can speak german or studies at cambridge? what if he breaks up with me as I am very shy and mathematical? I just feel scared to speak on the phone to him but  yet I have to as he wants me to do that every night until he starts his uni term when he will only be able to message me once or twice a week :'( 

    I am a very positive person but very sensitive and when people are sad I get knocked down 10 times more as I  hate seeing people sad or saying hurtful things to me- because knowing I have made a negative impact on them really makes me feel devastated. Therefore I can't focus on my maths as much as I want to and ameating less and feeling like I am not good enough. 


    Independent, I am going to message the mix shortly because I am having an awful day and I feel numb :'( 
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