I love my boyfriend, but hate being "in love"

Elsbeth97 · February 2020

My boyfriend and I are both in our early-mid 20's and have been together for over a year. I will start by saying, I can't identify something actually wrong with the relationship between the two of us and I'm sure that this feeling is down to my own issues.

We are very in love and committed to each other, and making our relationship last in the long term. I couldn't ask for a better partner really. However, I've begun to notice that even though I love him, I'm struggling with the feeling of being in love. I know that doesn't make much sense but, being in love involves missing him when we're not together; worrying about him when he's sick; compromising feelings in arguments to find common ground; etc. So despite loving him, I'm struggling to cope with all the seemingly more negative emotions that are connected to caring for someone - and it's making my life (and mental health) quite difficult.

I understand that this is just part of loving people, and that the reason I'm having a hard time will be down to some of my own selfish inner conflicts. Maybe it's an issue with vulnerability or attachment, or the like.
I suppose I'd just like to know if anyone else has ever felt like they completely love their partner, but hate/dislike some of the things that comes with being in love? I doubt any of this makes any sense, but I needed to write it out somewhere because I'm so confused.

Riley · February 2020

Hey there @Elsbeth97 I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this in your relationship at the moment. I think it makes total sense that you would have these kinds of mixed feelings about being in love, it can be a huge change to just about every part of your life. I know a few people who have sworn themselves off relationships alltogether in order to better look after their own mental health.

I think ultimately it comes down to whether the good parts of being in love outweight the bad parts, like does the happiness you feel being in this relationship make it worth the negative feelings that come with it. There's also the case that as time goes on and you get more used to being in this relationship those negative feelings could fade away eventually.

I think you might also find it helpful to try and speak to your boyfriend about all this, you never know he might be feeling the exact same way! I hope you keep us all updated on how you're doing with this, just don't forget that you're not alone.

coc0mac · February 2020

Hi @Elsbeth97

It's really great that you were able to share this with us here. I want you to know that these feelings make perfect sense - I am quite sure you are not alone in feeling this way

I think @Riley's response is spot on, so I would like to echo everything they have said. But I also wanted to emphasise that communication within a relationship really is key

You did so well explaining how you are feeling to us here, so as Riley suggested, I am wondering how you think it would be to talk to your boyfriend about this too?

Take good care - we are here for you x

Laine · February 2020

I can feel where you are coming from personally.

Being in a long distance relationship i see my partner once a month. But its a struggle when you don't get to see them, miss them, while i don't exactly feel what you are feeling i can understand how the negative painful sides can take their toll.

Its important to realise that you are human and we all have emotions it can be tough especially when you give your all to the person it can hurt.

Have you talked to anyone else about this or this a first?

i definitely agree its weighing out the pro's and con's and some things can be helped.
if you're missing them to talk to them even through text, letting them know can actually help.

Would you feel able to talk to your boyfriend about this? it could help x

Han93 · February 2020

Hi @Elsbeth97

I think this makes total sense, you're definitely not on your own! I would just like to echo the advice that has been given to you by others.

I read somewhere (although unfortunately I can't remember where) that when you're having negative thoughts you should write them down and then try to flip them around to make them positive. E.g. you miss your boyfriend when he's not there could be flipped around to say that you and your boyfriend have so much fun when you're together. Sometimes just sitting and seeing the positive sentences on a piece of paper can really help. Maybe you could try it?

I love my boyfriend, but hate being "in love"

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