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ShatteredSecretsShatteredSecrets NoobPosts: 186 Boards Initiate

I don’t really know how to start this or even say this.. 

today I finally opened up the can of worms and told someone about the abuse I’d suffered for years as well as the rapes and my miscarriage and genuinely it makes me wanna die. 

I just don’t know how to feel about it I want to cry I want to hurt myself I just don’t know. I don’t know how I’m meant to feel. She asked how I was feeling and I said fine but I REALLY AM NOT FINE. I’ve been fighting the urges to self harm. My eating and restricting is getting out of control as I’m trying to use it as a tool to keep some balance in all of this... it’s not working. 

I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much like i feel it shouldn’t because it’s not like any of that still happens to me. It’s in the past. 

I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this by myself :( 

I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.



  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey ShatteredSecrets <3

    I'm so sorry you went through abuse, rapes and a miscarriage. That all must've been so traumatic and awful for you. I can hear you're not fine :(

    It's understandable the past is still bothering you. I get you feeling like it shouldn't, but what you've gone through sounds really impacting and it's completely valid to feel like this. Do you want to talk more about how it affects you? How are you feeling today about telling the person about what happened?

    You're not alone, we're all here listening and if there's anything I can do, just let me know x
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 1,123 Wise Owl
    Hi @ShatteredSecrets I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. It is ok not to be ok and I hope you feel you can open up with us here, we're always here for you <3

    If you've only just opened up for the first time about it, that will be why it is bothering you again and just because it was in the past doesn't mean we just forget about these things. 

    Do you want to talk any more about who you told? I understand you are worried about getting through it by yourself but you aren't alone. We're here for you and hopefully the person you told will be too? 

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • ShatteredSecretsShatteredSecrets Noob Posts: 186 Boards Initiate
    Hi guys, 

    today I’m really stressed. I had a mental breakdown at work. Couldn’t stop crying. I spent the first part of the day replaying yesterday in my head over and over again. I spent the other half of the day stressed out of my mind over what was happening in work. I feel useless and like I can’t do anything right and I’m not good enough. 

    The person I told was my counsellor. I only have a few more weeks left though and then that’s it. 

    I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 274 The Mix Regular
    Hey @ShatteredSecrets

    It's healthy to see you talking about your experiences and I want to reiterate @Lucy307's point that it is OK not to be OK <3

    There are some horrible people in this world but you are not one of them. You deserve love and you are worthy and people on here know that, and want to show you that.

    It's difficult of course, because we feel like we should be able to control our thoughts and emotions and block out memories of the past that we don't want to acknowledge. But frustratingly our brains don't work like that and it is often the case that we have little control over where our mind wants to take us. How does it feel to think we aren't in control of our own minds? Is that thought scary or is it something we could use to empower ourselves...?

    Your day at work on Tuesday sounded pretty rough. Has your counsellor spoken to you about any techniques or behaviours that you can use to try and defend yourself against that type of thinking? 
  • ShatteredSecretsShatteredSecrets Noob Posts: 186 Boards Initiate

    that thought alone terrifies me. I feel like all control has been taken from me so I need to get it back some way. 

    I’ve done ECS but other than that it doesn’t always work. I feel like my brain is just shutting down completely and just can’t take anymore 

    I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

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