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New Year’s Eve TW

NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 175 Helping Hand
edited October 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
I'm feeling worried about New Year's Eve and I'm looking for some advice and support.

On New Year’s Eve, I was 11 when my grandad (who wasn’t my biological Grandad) died, my mother told me in New Year’s Day, he was the only person who I felt genuinely cared about me. New Year’s Eve was difficult enough with this.

*Trigger Warning*
Things started happening to me when I was 8 years old, I didn’t think they were wrong it bad. But when I was 13 years old, it was New Year’s Eve, he was supposed to be watching his younger brother at his mothers house, my mother took me there. He gave me alcohol and cigarettes, which was normal. But then he gave me a drug called magic mushroom and poppers, I never knew what these drugs were, I still don’t fully just what they were called. His brother was there he was about 7/8 I don’t know his exact age but he was supposed to be watching him and me.

I remember laying in his bed in his bedroom, I had no clothes in, but I don’t remember taking my clothes off. He was knelt in front of me with his penis in his hand pressuring himself, he also put his fingers inside of me (sorry to be graphic), but I felt nothing but numb. He proceeded to have intercourse with me, I didn’t feel anything, just things seeing blurry, feeling too weak to move, like the room was spinning, I wasn’t present in any if it. 

He stopped and ejaculated on top of me. He put my clothes on me to get dressed, I stated still and didn’t move. I woke up it was morning, everything felt very sore, I felt really in a bad way, I was supposed to be going home with my mother at the end of the night but I was still there. I didn’t see his mother. I snook our before anyone saw me, I got myself home. I remember feeling really just terrified by what had happened, that I didn’t feel any pain physically at the time, but the morning it felt I had been torn apart. Felt really vulnerable, lonely and scared. Scared of the parts I couldn’t and still can’t remember. 

Before I thought he was doing things to me out of love, I’d felt confused and like something wasn’t right, but it was a game, a sex game as he called it.

Before he’d get me to touch myself in front of him to please him. But it was part of a secret game we had together that no one just know about. I trusted that. 

This time it hurt a lot, I felt bad about myself massively, I felt ashamed, but ashamed for this and all of the other times.

I took them, I don’t remember what was happening around me after taken them, except I woke up on the suds in his living room, I remember looking at the walls, feeling like they were closing in on me, seeing objects chasing after me, these things were real and happening to me at that time.

He walked me up the stairs, standing I remember feeling very weak, struggling to stand without staggering or feeling like I was going to collapse, everything was blurry, like not being in control but your body’s just following the motions.

I saw his brother standing at the door and heard him say to him ‘fuck off’. Then I saw what was happening, I went to push him over to stop him carrying on, he became really forceful, rough with me. He was hurting me but I could stop or feel anything physically. I felt weak, lost, very confused, really not present, it felt like I was dead whilst he was doing it to me. 

What happened is making me feel really scared, I see it, images of it, it replays in my mind, I wasn’t in control, there was no control. I felt like I was dead inside whilst it was happening. 

I feel and felt powerless, I felt betrayed, lost, sadness, I took the drugs because of my struggle with the loss of my grandad, because I wanted the feelings if grief to stop or lessen in some way and because by that point I didn’t care for myself. 

For that past couple of weeks I’ve woke up with this, gone into a flashback where I see it, I feel it physically, like it’s happening again. I make myself sick with it, to get rid of the badness I feel is still inside.

My GP put me in for appointments once a week from the end of November because she knows, I wrote things down for her not at the time but a while after. I have tried ending my life when I was young and still at school leading up to the date because I couldn’t cope, it’s supposed to be a happy time but I feel enormous grief and fear of it.

Last year I did something I’m ashamed of, it added to my shame. I met up at a hotel with someone known to me, I went just for sex, thinking that would numb things and to hurt myself to shut my head up, Darcey was safe with her godparent at the time we who knew nothing. I’ve never told this, but I let him, he didn’t know my reasons for wanting it, but whilst it was happening I was having flashbacks, he was nice person. He stopped realising I was scared. I left. I thought that would fix it by it being different or in the alternative it would hurt me enough to make me give up.

I am scared I’m going to be alone New Year’s Eve, I can never ask anyone to be with me because I feel really vulnerable, actually embarrassed to ask for what I want (which would be just to be held whilst I cry or feel this scared), fear of rejection plays a part. People want to be happy then not trapped with my fears.

Counselling with the mix will be finished before New Year’s Eve, I am scared of that, I trust my counsellor but even this is hard to say to her. I’d like for someone to just be with me for a couple of hours on New Year’s Eve, someone who is safe to me. But I know that’s impractical. 

I feel really scared now of what I’ll feel then. There’s never anyone there in New Year’s Eve. What I’d like to happen versus reality is impossible. Does anyone have any advice and support for me? 
AifeMikeJade09

Comments

  • NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 175 Helping Hand
    Thank you @Aife xx
    Aife
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 10,067 An Original Mixlorian
    Heyy!

    dates of things that have happened can be really tough. Im really glad youre seeking support & thinking ahead <3

    i used to find dates of things really hard, now i still think about it on the date/s but i do something i enjoy as well. So my main focus isnt just that. But i dont try to complely block it out cause thats just too hard. Just Like going to the cinemia or just sitting at home watching netflix. I know that can be easier said than done and im guess with different people and what works for you maybe different but i do like to think as time goes it gets that tiny bit easier every year. 

    Also Aife hasnt commented on this, i think you got the wrong thread?
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Aife
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    You've done really well sharing this @NatalieMT, we're all so proud of you <3

    Firstly, I just wanted to say to you that what happened to you wan't your fault at all. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that when you were so young, no one should ever be treated this way. It's completely understandable to find New Years a difficult time and the flashbacks you've been having sound like a really scary experience to be going through. 

    I also wanted to say you have nothing to be ashamed about. Sometimes when we're experiencing extreme pain it can be natural to want that to go away to feel better and that's okay. None of us are judging you here, you're really trying to fight this Natalie which is really positive. 

    You mentioned that all you need on NYE is to be held but you're feeling embarrassed to ask for what you want and fear of rejection is playing a part in that too. Asking for help and showing that we're vulnerable can be really challenging to do but there really are people out there who care about you and will want to help you in the best way that they can. Sometimes when we're feeling worried about asking for something, it can be helpful to think about what you would do if a friend asked you this. What would you say to them? Do you have someone in mind that you wanted to ask to be there with you? 

    Just to echo what @Shaunie has said, it's really positive you're seeking support and thinking ahead about the days you're going to find challenging. It sounds like your GP and counsellor are being really supportive which is really nice to hear. How have the past NYE's been for you? Is there anything that's helped you before through this time? 

    I was wondering if you've heard of Crisis Houses or Sanctuary's before? They are safe places you can go to get some support when you're really struggling. They are usually open everyday of the week so this might be an option for you on NYE depending where you're based. Mind have a list of crisis houses here you might want to look into as an option. 

    I hope this has been helpful, keep posting here to keep us updated with how you're feeling. We're here with you too always <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Posts: 744 Incredible Poster
    Hello @NatalieMT

    Echo shaunie and Aife 💜 because they've written such lovely replies. 

    Dates are really hard and I also encourage people to make make new memories leading up to it and after. That way there's something else to focus on and it might just end up lifting your mood whilst keeping you distracted. November is challenging month for myself but there are also things to look forward to.

    I think it's also really useful to process the difficult emotions in a way that's healthy so you don't feel like you're self disrupting or bottling it. 

    I feel like I've rambled lol but I hope this helped even if it was a small bit.

    Salix
    Mike
  • NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 175 Helping Hand
    Thanks for your replies. I will respond later fully as I’m in work just now but wanted to acknowledge them in the meantime.

    Xx
    Salix_alba_2019
  • NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 175 Helping Hand

    I do have 3 people but for neither it’s possible to do what I’m wanting, I ask the impossible. No one would want to spend New Year’s Eve with me when they would be out having a good time. I’m stuck in fear, isolation and scary memories/thoughts, people create new and happy memories. 

    My counselling will have ended before New Year’s Eve. I’ve self harmed in New Year’s Eve before to cope, I have tried to take my life before little one, last year I had a support worker. I won’t have any this year, I can’t go out, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’d like someone to just be there for a short time in person, on the phone or in person, but I know people have plans and celebrations. I can’t really put here into words how scared I am,

    I haven’t heart of those crisis houses, but I’m not sure they offer those services where I live. I would if they had either of those things. 

    Thank you shaunie and Salix for your words 

    xx
    AifeShaunie
  • PoppyBPoppyB Posts: 226 Moderator
    I thought I would check in and see how are you feeling today @NatalieMT ?

    You are incredibly brave to share what happened to you - I cannot imagine what you have been through. It is perfectly understandable that date/anniversaries would be difficult and there is no reason to feel ashamed of what you have been through <3 It's really good that you are thinking ahead to New Years and trying to keep yourself safe. 

    You mentioned that you have 3 people in mind to reach out to for New Years. As @Aife said, it can be really overwhelming and scary to ask people for help but you won't know until you give them a chance to respond and your friends will want to support you in whatever way they can. If you flipped the situation around and one of your friends wanted you to be around them for a difficult anniversary, you wouldn't hesitate to be there for them - so I don't think they would consider it to be an impossible ask at all.

    Would you feel comfortable reaching out to your GP and mentioning that you feel concerned about New Years Eve as you have relied on self harm/attempting to take your own life before? They may have some info on helplines that you could chat to on New Years Eve or local groups/peer support that may be available to you - local groups may also be planning things for New Years that could distract you? 

    Sending you lots of hugs Natalie - please do keep letting us know how you are getting on <3
    Aife
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