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Bereavement - My Dad

Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
In an effort to be more open with people and get the advice and support when I need it, I'm going to try breaking down the mass of emotions and issues that I hyper focus on when I feel at my lowest. Starting with an issue that I'm not ashamed to talk about, but is by a country mile the worst for me, and sure to cripple me somewhat in thinking so deeply about to write this.

I guess I'll list things chronologically. When I was younger there was a period of multiple years where I didn't see my dad for years due to his issues with alcoholism. He would repeatedly injure himself and became unable to look after a younger me. My mum ended up stopping me from seeing him while he was abusing alcohol, up until he got help in a rehab facility. After he was better I eventually started seeing him again on weekends and I treasured it because despite his problems, I did and still do adore him. But it didn't last since he did start drinking again, and had caused himself multiple serious health problems. He was also somewhat aggressive when he was drunk but by this time I was older, and fed up with it so I was able to be just as aggressive back to him. After weeks going to see him, only for him to be constantly throwing up and comatose, I decided I'd had enough. I called him disgusting and told him I didn't want to see or speak to him until he'd sorted himself out, but that ended up being the last time I ever saw him, since he died of a pulminary embolism 2 weeks later.

I remember walking out of school really happy on the day my mum told me he had died, and having a completely dead reaction because I knew it could've been coming for a long time. And from there I did my best to distract myself and avoid thinking about and discussing it for years, hence my withdrawal socially. Almost 6 years on and I have many other things really getting to me, and the only person I want deperately to talk to and get advice from is my dad. Most of the time he was so calm and measured with the way he spoke to me, and that's always something that resonated with me. Since it's been such a long time I don't ever feel like I deserve to feel the way I do now, that I'm not being genuine about it, and that I should be over it by now. But nowadays whenever I do think about it, it's such a raw wound and those thoughts physically hurt me. I almost feel empty and that I will always be missing something I need in order to be happy, and I still have no faith that will ever change or get any better.

As I said, I adored that man and thinking about all the things I'll never be able to do with him again, or talk to him about, or share with him fucking cripples me.

Comments

  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck Posts: 774 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Spook98

    Sorry about your dad, it's seems to me that even though he was a alcoholic you was still able to bond with him, 

    I was wondering if you have the same relationship with your mum as far as sharing your feelings and emotions, 

    Loses of people to are family can affect us in different ways and in ways we don't expect it, I'm only starting to feel the affect of the break up of my relationship now and we broke up two weeks ago, 

    Sending love and hugs to you 
    davcr0ck 

    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Unfortunately not, I love my mum but she's been through a lot as well, it's made her somewhat unsympathetic. As in if you're ever struggling with things, she'll talk about her own problems as I point of saying "well we've all been through a lot." I understand it, but it just doesn't help me. She's also got a pretty tentative idea of discretion :s can't be sure what I tell her won't get heard by others.
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck Posts: 774 Part of The Mix Family
    Have you considered reaching out to other organisations near you?? 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    yeah, I really need to get some specific bereavement counselling after I change my GP back home. For that I can see about using the dove service. But I don't like being visibly emotional in front of people. I'm alike my dad in that respect, I've always wanted to think through everything first so that I can better articulate it. It's going to be tough, doing the things they tell me, and it kinda scares me.
  • ClaraOswaldClaraOswald Posts: 146 Helping Hand
    Hey there,

    Its really nice you are getting help  <3
    Put yourself in your Dad's shoes, he probably knows he did wrong as sometimes he talked to you reasonably and calmly. He understands you havent really seen him and need space. He probably died loving you, and if you loved him too ( even just a tiny bit) i bet you he realised and understood x
    Dont feel guilty, you cant change what happened but you could change the future, e.g. visit his grave every 3 months and make sure it looks nice x

    Hope this helps!  :) 
    My feelings are bigger on the inside.
     "I do what i do because it's right... and above all its KIND" - the 12th Doctor 💕
    The joy is worth the pain.

  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck Posts: 774 Part of The Mix Family
    Spook98 said:
    But I don't like being visibly emotional in front of people. I'm alike my dad in that respect, I've always wanted to think through everything first so that I can better articulate it. It's going to be tough, doing the things they tell me, and it kinda scares me.
    That's great to hear that your dad always respect you 😁 

    I'm the same of not wanting to be visibly emotional, it's why I love the mix is I can just dump all my thoughts in one place and then leave them and if people respond and give advice then even better 

    Stuff is never easy else what would be the point in life, sending hugs when you need them and message me if you wanna talk 😊
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    edited July 2019
    cheers guys appreciate the advice and help, just gotta get motivated to fix things and getting bereavement support would be a great start. Since I'm managing to break everything down it will be nice to refer back to these threads when I'm asking myself silly and sad questions. By threads I refer to what will probably, eventually become a saga. :D
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    On the same sort of topic, I've had a few other cases of bereavement of well, and I feel somewhat guilty that they don't affect me more. Two of my baby brothers died, and at the time I didn't really feel as much as I feel I should have, and was more so affected by what it did to my mum's mental health. She was crippled by it, and after my dad I finally understand what that's like. More recently my nana died, the nicest person I've ever known, and the only fact about it that got to me was that she was my dad's mum, and the closest person I had left to him. At this point unfortunately I've become desensitised to it, and every time it happens it's just, "well great another shit thing happened..." Pretty sure my family and I are cursed.
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    Hi @Spook98

    You did well to share this today! It's really important for you to know that bereavement can effect people in so may different ways, and there is no right way how to feel. However you feel is normal and is just how your mind has processed and reacted to something. You never need to feel guilty :heart:

    You mentioned you feel desensitised because you feel it's just another thing happening. Firstly I wanted to send you hugs and support for what you have been through :heart:  A good way some people cope with desensitised feelings is to talk about them, so you've made a great first step by sharing it with us. If you would ever like to, or feel comfortable, talking a little bit more about this we will always be here for you. 

    Take good care :smile:
  • Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular
    edited July 2019

    Hi @Spook98


    I've just noticed this thread after replying to your other one - and I just want to say I know from your other thread that you find it hard to open up and talk to people about things that are personal for you so for you to be able to do this I think is incredible and brave and amazing! <3


    The Mix have got a few articles with expert advice/helplines for coping with bereavement - maybe having a read of these could help:

    https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/looking-after-yourself/grief-and-bereavement-6290.html

    https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/looking-after-yourself/dealing-with-important-days-after-someones-died-24240.html

    https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/looking-after-yourself/getting-grief-counselling-6696.html


  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,463 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Thank you for sharing. <3. --it takes a lot to write it down- I can really hear how painful this all is . I'm so sorry for your losses.

    As @coc0mac said ,can affect in all different ways. Your feeling are valid & deserve support you need & want for it. & you're not alone & we will support you. 

    Have you heard about cruse before? I know someone who had counselling with them cause in some areas in U.K. they offer couselling or some support on behearevement https://www.cruse.org.uk/
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Thankyou for all the support and suggestions everyone
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