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When things don’t get better

NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 177 Helping Hand
edited April 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
Professionals only want to help you when it’s too late.
Before your thoughts spiral out of control, there’s a period of fear, sadness, feeling stupid. Asking for help to me feels stupid.
I’m self aware that I have ups and down and come out of it.
i won’t harm myself because I have my little girl to think about. That doesn’t mean I’m strong or that I’m not struggling it just means she is so important to me, my world and I want to get better. That I’m scared of losing control.
To most because I’m not giving up and carrying on each day means I’m strong, when actually I go to work and paint a smile of my face, I see my little girl and paint a smile in my face, but I put her to sleep and then feel everything tenfold myself comes out, because it’s not safe enough to all day!
Sometimes I just don’t fit, I never have really. 
I don’t fit because I am broken, damaged, all of those things. 
Feeling sad is very iscolating!
Sigh

Comments

  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Sending you some hugs @NatalieMT, you're not alone <3 I'll try to write a slightly longer reply tomorrow x
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey

    I can hear you're hurting, and I think it's really understandable. You have my love and sympathy:(

    It shows you have fight and resilience to be able to paint a smile on your face, and to not give up. But that doesn't mean that you're not struggling <3 A soldier can carry on, while feeling exhausted, unsteady, or in pain. Does it make you feel like people don't understand, like you're isolated?

    You mentioned feeling like you don't fit:( Is that like feeling you don't belong, or you can't get along in life?

    I also want to quickly say that you evidently love your daughter a lot, and it's good that she gives you the reason to not harm yourself.

    Wish I could say something to help. Take care <3

  • louisa982louisa982 Posts: 294 The Mix Regular
    Sending you all the virtual hugs <3 How are you feeling today natalie?
  • AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,026 Boards Guru
    Hey @NatalieMT

    I just wanted to send you a hug too. Hope you're feeling a little better this week. We're all here for you anytime you want to talk <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 177 Helping Hand
    edited April 2019
    Who can I trust? Who will hear?

    My pain from my past is my future
    I see it in flashbacks, I see it act out again in my sleep, in nightmares..this isn’t now but is what is happening..

    Memories

    I hear the floor creek 
    Closer and closer toward my bedroom door
    I try to stay quiet hiding under the covers
    Though I know he will find me

    I hope he doesn't hear my heartbeat
    Or hear I long for someone to protect me tonight
    But as I do I start to cry because I know
    Tonight is just another one of those nights  
    When no one will hear me

    I let out one more sob
    And the door swings open
    The hallway light shines in
    But darkness radiates off him
    So strong 
    He has a smile on his face
    Nothing will stop him
    I cant even defend myself

    He gets on top of me holding me down
    As I try to turn away
    He pulls me back covering my mouth
    I am too scared to breathe

    A few weeks pass by
    He comes back, no one will hear me, it’s always the same 
    While drunk and stumbling around the house
    Closer and closer he is walking toward me

    Now he is on my bed
    And before he even touches me
    I begin to cry as I wonder
    Where is someone who will hear me tonight?

    This time I fight back
    I yell
    I cry
    But he has ways to shut me up.
    I do everything I can to loosen his grip
    He's hurting me so bad but will not let me go
    No
    He will not let me go
    Not until he is finished

    He leaves me lying there
    To think of what I have lost
    "I'm sorry" is not enough
    He doesn't even realize what it has cost

    Another few weeks pass by
    The shame keeps getting worse
    Too afraid to tell
    Though its so hard to hide this pain
    Day after day

    I must have been bad that night
    I hear him coming closer as I'm lying on the floor
    I would do anything
    If you would keep him from walking through that door

    But he does
    I finally realize I am all alone
    No one to protect me
    No one who can save me...
    So I lie back down to take it 
    But he throws me on the bed
    And makes me relive my worst fears
    When I just want to be dead

    I don't want to kill myself
    I just want to die
    God, why have you abandoned me?
    Can you not see the tears I cry?

    I will hurt myself later
    After you have hurt me
    This blood that stains the sheets
    Tangled up on my bed
    Reminds me of the words
    The images you have put inside my head

    I can still feel you touching me, grabbing me
    Forcing my body closer to yours
    The feeling of your cold fingers all over me
    I constantly try to wash away
    From my scarred skin

    Since that first night
    I live my life in fear
    You are the reason I love too easily
    Why I cannot love at all.
    Because I trusted you
    I can no longer trust

    The pain I hold inside
    You will never know
    They will never understand
    That my scars don't even begin to show...

  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,143 Part of The Furniture
    Hey @NatalieMT just wanted to send you some extra special hugs 💜
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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