When things don’t get better

Former Member

Professionals only want to help you when it’s too late.
Before your thoughts spiral out of control, there’s a period of fear, sadness, feeling stupid. Asking for help to me feels stupid.
I’m self aware that I have ups and down and come out of it.
i won’t harm myself because I have my little girl to think about. That doesn’t mean I’m strong or that I’m not struggling it just means she is so important to me, my world and I want to get better. That I’m scared of losing control.
To most because I’m not giving up and carrying on each day means I’m strong, when actually I go to work and paint a smile of my face, I see my little girl and paint a smile in my face, but I put her to sleep and then feel everything tenfold myself comes out, because it’s not safe enough to all day!
Sometimes I just don’t fit, I never have really. 
I don’t fit because I am broken, damaged, all of those things. 
Feeling sad is very iscolating!
Sigh

Former Member

Sending you some hugs @NatalieMT, you're not alone I'll try to write a slightly longer reply tomorrow x

Former Member

Hey

I can hear you're hurting, and I think it's really understandable. You have my love and sympathy:(

It shows you have fight and resilience to be able to paint a smile on your face, and to not give up. But that doesn't mean that you're not struggling A soldier can carry on, while feeling exhausted, unsteady, or in pain. Does it make you feel like people don't understand, like you're isolated?

You mentioned feeling like you don't fit:( Is that like feeling you don't belong, or you can't get along in life?

I also want to quickly say that you evidently love your daughter a lot, and it's good that she gives you the reason to not harm yourself.

Wish I could say something to help. Take care

louisa982

Sending you all the virtual hugs How are you feeling today natalie?

Aoife

Hey @NatalieMT

I just wanted to send you a hug too. Hope you're feeling a little better this week. We're all here for you anytime you want to talk

Former Member

Who can I trust? Who will hear?

My pain from my past is my future
I see it in flashbacks, I see it act out again in my sleep, in nightmares..this isn’t now but is what is happening..

Memories

I hear the floor creek 
Closer and closer toward my bedroom door
I try to stay quiet hiding under the covers
Though I know he will find me

I hope he doesn't hear my heartbeat
Or hear I long for someone to protect me tonight
But as I do I start to cry because I know
Tonight is just another one of those nights  
When no one will hear me

I let out one more sob
And the door swings open
The hallway light shines in
But darkness radiates off him
So strong 
He has a smile on his face
Nothing will stop him
I cant even defend myself

He gets on top of me holding me down
As I try to turn away
He pulls me back covering my mouth
I am too scared to breathe

A few weeks pass by
He comes back, no one will hear me, it’s always the same 
While drunk and stumbling around the house
Closer and closer he is walking toward me

Now he is on my bed
And before he even touches me
I begin to cry as I wonder
Where is someone who will hear me tonight?

This time I fight back
I yell
I cry
But he has ways to shut me up.
I do everything I can to loosen his grip
He's hurting me so bad but will not let me go
No
He will not let me go
Not until he is finished

He leaves me lying there
To think of what I have lost
"I'm sorry" is not enough
He doesn't even realize what it has cost

Another few weeks pass by
The shame keeps getting worse
Too afraid to tell
Though its so hard to hide this pain
Day after day

I must have been bad that night
I hear him coming closer as I'm lying on the floor
I would do anything
If you would keep him from walking through that door

But he does
I finally realize I am all alone
No one to protect me
No one who can save me...
So I lie back down to take it 
But he throws me on the bed
And makes me relive my worst fears
When I just want to be dead

I don't want to kill myself
I just want to die
God, why have you abandoned me?
Can you not see the tears I cry?

I will hurt myself later
After you have hurt me
This blood that stains the sheets
Tangled up on my bed
Reminds me of the words
The images you have put inside my head

I can still feel you touching me, grabbing me
Forcing my body closer to yours
The feeling of your cold fingers all over me
I constantly try to wash away
From my scarred skin

Since that first night
I live my life in fear
You are the reason I love too easily
Why I cannot love at all.
Because I trusted you
I can no longer trust

The pain I hold inside
You will never know
They will never understand
That my scars don't even begin to show...

Millie2787

Hey @NatalieMT just wanted to send you some extra special hugs 💜